


Cut and Rewind

by allyasavedtheday



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bipolar Disorder, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Even Bech Næsheim, Skam Season 4, Therapy, mentions of past suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-03 21:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11540658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyasavedtheday/pseuds/allyasavedtheday
Summary: “Now. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?”Even swallows around the bitter tang in his throat and settles for the shortest version of his medical history that he can possibly pin down. “I’m bipolar. I was diagnosed with depression first when I was seventeen since the symptoms were more noticeable. But in February of last year I got my proper diagnosis after I had a major manic episode. One of the biggest triggers was my struggle with my sexuality. I slipped into a severe depressive episode afterwards and missed so much school that I ended up dropping out.”He recites it like lines from a script, like if he’s detached enough the words won’t really be about him. It doesn’t make them any easier to push out though.*A season 4 story about Even.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhhhhhh hello!!! welcome to this monster!!! I've got a few lil housecleaning things to get through first:
> 
> Updates will be once a week (at least until I finish writing the fic in it's entirety, i'm already on chapter 4). This fic will follow season 4 up until chapter 5 where it will diverge in terms of the Even/Balloon Squad reunion. The reason being, I've already written quite a few canon compliant fics in relation to the latter half of season 4 and I don't want to repeat myself with this fic. So I'll mostly be taking Even's story where I envisioned it going when the season first began.
> 
> As this entire story is told from Even's pov it will deal quite heavily with his bipolar, his falling out with the balloon squad, and his suicide attempt. I'll include warnings in chapter notes as needed but if you're ever concerned please feel free to ask me and take care of yourself <3 as with every fic, I've tried to be as respectful and realistic as possible in my portrayal of Even's mental illness and I hope I have done it justice.
> 
> If you're looking for me on tumblr you can find me at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) :')  
> Characters are property of Julie Andem
> 
> This fic has now been translated into Russian which you can read [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5918640)
> 
> Finally, enjoy <3

**Mandag 9:45**

The first thing Even sees when his eyes flutter open is the back of Isak’s head.

It’s a familiar sight at this point but its familiarity doesn’t do anything to dispel the butterflies fluttering in his tummy. Smile half buried in the pillow beneath his head, he runs a hand over Isak’s arm and down his side. Isak hums at the touch which means he’s closer to awake than asleep right now so Even shuffles closer, aligning his chest with Isak’s back and placing a kiss to the ball of his shoulder. He follows that kiss up with another, on the hinge of Isak’s jaw this time, before he reaches his cheek.

Isak hums again and when he pushes back against Even’s chest Even gets the hint and lifts up so he can roll onto his back. Even moves to hover over him, leaning up on his elbows, face so close to Isak’s that the tips of their noses are touching while he waits for Isak to blearily blink sleep out of his eyes.

When his gaze lands on Even his mouth lifts up in a soft smile. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Even murmurs back. “We’re moving in together today.”

Isak’s smile transforms into a beaming grin as he raises his hands to cup Even’s neck, nodding so their noses bump. “We are.”

Even lets out a disbelieving little laugh before dropping down to capture Isak’s lips in a kiss. They’re both a little too giddy for the kiss to have any finesse but it’s perfect. It always is.

Deciding to move in together has been a two month long discussion.

The living arrangements at kollektivet were cramped as it was with four of them there instead of the designated three but with Even spending the majority of his nights there too they’ve all been living on top of each other. Isak had made the noble decision to move out and give Noora her room back so she wouldn’t be destined to couch surf for the rest of her life but with his mom staying in a care facility and his refusal to live with his dad, no one was all that keen on having Isak live alone.

Even’s own mom and dad have been great. When they’d first learned Isak was thinking of moving out of the kollektiv they’d told Even he was more than welcome to stay with them but it was when they’d suggested it that Even started to consider the idea of the two of them getting their own place together.

By anyone’s standards, it’s too soon. But…it’d felt right.

It’s always felt right for them.

Even can’t remember how many late night discussions they’d had about it before they finally involved anyone else in the decision-making process. And after endless conversations about relationships and finances and Even’s meds and flat maintenance with Even’s parents, and Isak’s parents, and Even’s therapist, and Eskild, _and_ the boys, they’d ultimately decided they could do it.

Looking for a flat within their price range had been something of a challenge but they’d got there in the end. And now today was finally the day.

Tonight they would be falling asleep in their home. And Even couldn’t feel more blown away by the thought.

He never believed on the first day of school when he’d seen Isak across the schoolyard that this is where he’d be in April.

But somehow, he’s made it here. _They’ve_ made it here. And he’ll do everything he can to keep this. To keep Isak. For as long as he’ll let him.

“We’re gonna have to say goodbye to this bed,” Isak says forlornly, letting one of his hands drop from Even’s neck to pat the mattress. “We’ve had some good times here.”

Even snorts. “I’m surprised Noora even wants her bed back knowing what we’ve gotten up to in here.”

“We washed the sheets,” Isak says before breaking down into a fit of snickers when he meets Even’s gaze. Right now they’re lying on a bare mattress surrounded by a duvet with no cover since Isak’s own sheets are already packed away in a suitcase, ready for their flat.

But Even does feel a bit of a pang at the thought of leaving this bed. This bed, more than anything else, has been their own little sanctuary for months. He thinks it’ll be strange lying on a new mattress tonight. Though if Isak’s there he doesn’t think he really needs to worry.

“Should we have breakfast?” he asks when Isak’s giggles have subsided, settling his weight more comfortably on top of Isak to reach up and brush the curls back off his forehead. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us.”

Isak nods, expression serene as he laces his fingers together with Even’s free hand. “You can serenade me in the kitchen one last time,” he says softly.

Even kisses his nose and his lips in quick succession and offers him a twinkling smile. “Let’s go.”

* * *

 

**Mandag 17:24**

They kind of give up on unpacking when the guys’ presence proves to be more of a hindrance than a help. Instead the five of them are sprawled out across the floor and the couch that had once sat under Even’s loft bed in their pathetic excuse for a living room. They’re surrounded by still-untouched cardboard boxes but there’s a mattress on their bedroom floor and their toothbrushes are sitting in a cup on the sink in their bathroom so that’ll do for the day.

Their little coffee table is laden with beer and the sparkling wine that Even had bought earlier as well as various empty Chinese takeout containers and Even revels in the contentment that washes over him. Isak is lying sideways across the couch with his head pillowed on Even’s stomach and their friends are discussing their Friday night plans and he thinks if this were a TV show this would be the closing shot of the season finale. The kind of shot that would leave the viewer feeling fulfilled, like they’d earned their happy ending.

Even wants to believe he’s earned it too.

“We should totally have a housewarming party here on Friday,” Magnus says, starfished on the carpet as he stares at the ceiling and rolls his empty beer bottle between his hand and the carpet.

“Oh _we_ should, should we?” Isak scoffs, craning his neck to catch Even’s gaze and rolling his eyes fondly when he does.

“Mags, this place can barely fit the five of us, not to mind everyone else,” Even points out while Jonas hums in agreement.

“Yeah but you could just do a small thing,” Mahdi suggests. “Like just us, the girls and Eskild and Linn.”

Magnus is clearly buoyed by this idea and sits up, looking beseechingly at Isak and Even. “ _Please_. We’re back to school next week and I haven’t heard about any parties this weekend.”

“Magnus, it’s only Monday,” Isak laughs. “Besides, there’s no way in hell this place will be decent enough to hold visitors this week.”

“It’s not like you have a ton of stuff to unpack,” Magnus points out petulantly. And while their possessions are pretty meagre, it’s not really the point.

“We have other important things to do this week besides unpack,” Even tells him.

Magnus frowns, “Like what?”

Even smirks down at Isak, who’s already rolling his eyes again, and returns his gaze to Magnus. “Like christening every room in this apartment.”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Isak squawks – as if he didn’t already know what Even was going to say – covering his face with his hands, but Even can see him grinning.

Magnus and Mahdi both bark out a laugh but Jonas just raises an eyebrow. “There’s like, three rooms. That won’t take you that long either.”

All five of them erupt into a chorus of laughter at that and Even feels a fierce stab of appreciation for the comfort he has with these boys. After leaving Elvebakken – after leaving his friends – loneliness had consumed him. He’d made a few acquaintances at Nissen but he’d kept them all at arm’s length, having no desire to really rehash all the details of his fucked up life.

And when he’d found Isak he’d never expected his friends to view Even as anything other than Isak’s boyfriend. But with the way they’ve accepted him so wholeheartedly into the folds of their group, he feels like he has somewhere he belongs again.

And where he belongs is right here on this couch with his boy, with his friends, in his _home_.

* * *

 

**Tirsdag 14:32**

Unpacking the next day is a feat that they tackle with enthusiasm – once they’ve gotten each other off on their temporary mattress-bed and showered, that is. They take on the kitchen after they eat breakfast, with Isak defrosting the freezer while Even empties the cutlery sets his parents bought them as a housewarming present into the drawers. They bought just enough plates, bowls, mugs and glasses to account for the two of them and their friends so stacking them in the cabinets doesn’t take all that long. They haven’t gone grocery shopping yet which means most of the shelves are still bare but it makes their jobs a little easier for now.

Once he’s put away all their cooking utensils Even moves to the fridge and sticks his two magnets up – one that’s actually a bottle opener and another he got on a holiday to Spain with his parents when he was fourteen. Isak appears at his side when he’s done to add three photographs to the collection, sticking them up with magnets he definitely appropriated from kollektivet. One is a picture of them the first week they’d been together with Even kissing Isak’s cheek and Isak wearing a lazy smile. Another is a picture of the two of them with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi taken on Even’s polaroid camera; they’d all squashed in so close that the only thing visible in the shot is their grinning faces. The final picture is of them at kollektivet, gathered around the kitchen table with Eskild, Noora and Linn, all beaming brightly into the camera.

The photos instantly make him feel more at home and he smiles contently when Isak leans in to kiss his cheek. “We’ll save your drawings for our room,” he tells Even, settling against his side when Even wraps an arm around him.

“I still can’t believe this is real,” Even whispers in awe, glancing from their fridge to Isak and closing his eyes against his incredulous smile when Isak tips their foreheads together.

“Me neither,” Isak mumbles. “But I still can’t believe you’re real either so this is nothing in comparison.”

Even huffs a laugh, slotting their lips together in a chaste kiss before pulling Isak into a hug. Isak’s arms wrap around him and he’s the epitome of safety, enveloping Even in unwavering warmth. “We should fix the living room and go grocery shopping.”

“I love it when you talk domestic to me,” Isak jokes, waggling his eyebrows suggestively when he pulls back and making Even laugh.

He presses one last, firm kiss to Isak’s lips before releasing him.

They may spend more time making out on the couch than they actually do unpacking before they venture out for groceries but with the way Isak is wearing a permanent smile on his face and Even feels like he’s glowing from the inside out, he can’t find it in himself to care.

* * *

 

**Onsdag 10:30-23:45**

Wednesday is spent turning their flat into something lived in.

They’d gotten the majority of their stuff unpacked on Tuesday but today is more about decorating. They put photo frames on the shelves housing Even’s DVD collection in the living room. They stack their school books on the little dining table-come-work desk in their bedroom. They hang their coats up on the hooks next to the front door. And finally, they decorate their bedroom wall.

It’s a combination of Isak’s wall at kollektivet and Even’s wardrobe doors in his old bedroom. They put up posters and Isak’s stupid memes and Even’s drawings and a few photographs and finally, Isak puts up one of the drawings Even gave him. And it’s them. Most importantly, it’s them _together_.

And going to sleep that night, with Isak in his arms and surrounded by walls decorated with their lives, he feels at home.

* * *

 

**Torsdag 10:05**

Unlike every other morning this week, Even wakes up on Thursday with dread sitting heavily in the pit of his stomach. Isak is already awake when he opens his eyes and Even knows one glance is all it takes for him to realise something’s wrong.

“Good morning,” Isak says softly. He waits for Even to reply but when he doesn’t he simply opens his arms in silent invitation.

Even doesn’t hesitate in crawling into them, burrowing himself in close against Isak’s chest. Isak’s arms come around him, sweeping over his back while his chin drops to rest on top of Even’s head. “Talk to me,” he requests when they’ve both settled into their positions, voice low and gentle. “Is this about your appointment today?”

Even sighs. He’s beginning sessions with a new therapist today. He’d loved his old therapist. He’s been with her since the summer after he was diagnosed and he actually feels like he can talk to her. He _trusts_ her. But she’s going on maternity leave and taking a career break after that so he’s had no choice but to find someone else.

His new therapist comes recommended by Ann, his previous therapist, and she’d assured him they would get along. She’d also told Even he could contact her if he ever needed to but he doesn’t think he’ll take her up on that offer no matter how bad things potentially get – he doesn’t want to burden her now that it’s not her job anymore.

It’s not just that this is destabilising the routines he’s erected over the last few months, it’s that he has to start all over again. He has to dredge up his clusterfuck of a past and confront it all over again with a stranger. He hasn’t even told _Isak_ about most of his time at Bakka; how is he supposed to tell someone else?

Isak must take his silence for a yes because he replaces his chin with his mouth and kisses the top of Even’s head. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Truthfully, Even doesn’t know. He wants Isak there holding his hand and making him feel safe. But he also feels an inexplicable kind of shame at the thought of him seeing Even in that kind of environment. He knows it comes more from his own feelings over his mental illness and his past than because of anything Isak has done but it still makes him pause.

Eventually, he sighs, breathing in the comforting scent of Isak’s t-shirt, and shakes his head. “No, it’s okay.”

Isak’s hand slides over his back soothingly. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, just-“ He sits up a bit, turning in Isak’s arms to meet his gaze. “Be here when I get home?”

Isak cups his cheek, careful and comforting, and leans in to brush their noses together. “I promise.”

Even folds himself back into Isak’s arms then, closing his eyes when Isak pulls the blanket back up around them. Maybe they can stay like this a little bit longer.

* * *

 

**Torsdag 15:30**

Everything about his therapist’s office is the same. The same pale cream walls, the same decorations, the same chairs and the same tidy desk. Everything is the same. Except his therapist.

Margo is different to Ann in every possible way. Where Ann was short, Margo is tall. Instead of Ann’s corkscrew curly hair, Margo’s hair is mousey brown and straight, falling just above her shoulders. Ann’s eyes were always big which could be somewhat unsettling whenever she pinned him with a knowing gaze but they were also familiar; Margo’s eyes are hidden behind her glasses. They’re superficial differences but they still serve to remind him that things aren’t the same now, that this room doesn’t bring him the sense of security it used to before.

“I’d like today’s session to be informal,” Margo tells him once she’s offered him a glass of water. “As with any session between us, whatever you tell me will be held within the strictest confidence but I’d like today to be an opportunity for us to get to know one another better. How does that sound?”

Even nods, clearing his throat and finding his voice after a moment. “That sounds okay.”

Margo nods in satisfaction, smiling affably. “Now. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?”

Even swallows around the bitter tang in his throat and settles for the shortest version of his medical history that he can possibly pin down. “I’m bipolar. I was diagnosed with depression first when I was seventeen since the symptoms were more noticeable. But in February of last year I got my proper diagnosis after I had a major manic episode. One of the biggest triggers was my struggle with my sexuality. I slipped into a severe depressive episode afterwards and missed so much school that I ended up dropping out.”

He recites it like lines from a script, like if he’s detached enough the words won’t really be about him. It doesn’t make them any easier to push out though.

“I transferred to Nissen this year to repeat my third year and had another manic and depressive episode at the end of November and beginning of December. It’s likely all the major changes in my life played a part in triggering it. I had moved to a new school without anyone familiar, I’d just ended a four year relationship with my girlfriend, and then entered into a new relationship.” He pauses to take a breath, desperate to take a drink but afraid to reach out for the glass of water on the desk in case she sees his hand trembling. “I’ve had a couple of brief periods of hypomania and depression since then but overall my meds and routines seem to be working so I’ve been mostly stable the last few months.”

Margo regards him for a moment. “Concise,” she says. “And clinical.”

Even huffs a bit in surprise, not expecting to hear the faint trace of amusement in her words.

“It’s my understanding you’ve been working with Ann since last summer, is that correct?”

Even nods.

“Well, then I imagine you’ve discussed your episodes in great detail with her?” At Even’s nod again she continues. “In that case, I won’t force you to talk about them unless you _want_ to talk about them or they’re relevant to our conversation. Does that sound fair?”

Even feels his shoulders slump a bit as relief floods through him. His biggest fear coming in here had been the thought of going through his episodes again when it had already been excruciating the first time around. But this- he thinks he can handle this as a compromise. “Yes. That’s okay.”

“Good,” she says, expression softening into something kinder, something personable. “You mentioned a new relationship earlier, are you still together?”

Even feels his mouth tug up of its own accord – a Pavlovian response to any mention of Isak. “Yeah, um. We actually moved in together this week.”

Her voice is carefully neutral as she appraises him. “That seems quite soon.”

Even nods. He _knows_. “It’s kind of complicated,” he hedges, not wanting to divulge Isak’s entire history but also wanting his explanation to make sense. “Isak had a really difficult home life growing up and had to leave his parents when he was sixteen. He’s been living in a kollektiv which was great but then Noora, the girl whose room he’d been staying in, moved back. And with me spending a lot of nights there too, it got a bit too crowded.”

“So it made the most sense for you and Isak to be the ones to leave and find somewhere else,” she surmises.

“Right,” Even agrees. “He’s only seventeen so not only would living on his own be impossible to afford but I don’t think anyone really wanted him to be by himself.”

Margo inclines her head, straightening the notebook on her desk. “Did you consider having Isak stay with you and your parents?”

“We talked about it and they offered,” Even tells her. “I know it seems impulsive but we really did discuss all our options. With my parents and Ann and Isak’s old roommates and our friends and with one another. This was the option we were both happiest with.”

“Does it feel like a bigger commitment?” she asks and Even frowns.

“What do you mean?”

“Moving into your own apartment with Isak,” she elaborates. “If Isak were to come stay in your parents’ house, he could always leave and presumably stay with a friend if things didn’t work out between you two. But moving in together on your own requires a much bigger commitment.”

Even hadn’t really acknowledged that out loud before. He knew the two of them moving in together was a commitment. He knew it was a bigger deal than Isak just coming to stay with him. But he’d felt _ready_ to make that commitment. He’d felt sure. And now that they’re finally here, he knows it was the right decision. “It’s a bigger commitment,” he allows. “But one I feel confident enough to make.

“I had my episode at the very beginning of our relationship so things were very- heavy between us really early on. We’d hardly gone on a proper date before Isak was the one helping me through my depression. We’ve been working really hard to take things one step at a time but this feels like the right step now.”

“You sound sure,” she observes and Even can hear something like a smile in her voice now.

“I am,” he says.

Margo nods and something in her expression makes him want to trust her. Steeling himself, he decides to be a bit more forthcoming.

“But um,” he feels his courage flag when she looks at him but he forces himself to persevere. “I’m a bit worried.”

“About what?”

“The last time I went through a lot of big chances in a short space of time I went manic,” he mumbles, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I don’t want that to happen again.”

She’s silent for a moment while she mulls over his words. “Frequent disruptions and major shifts in your personal life can have an impact on you, yes. But that doesn’t mean every time something changes in your life that you’ll have an episode, Even.”

He ducks his head, wringing his hands in his lap. “I know but-“ He cuts himself off, searching for the right way to explain it. “I’m scared,” he admits quietly.

“Do you feel like you might be slipping into hypomania?” she asks. “Have there been any changes to your sleeping pattern? Any of your usual symptoms?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “I feel fine. I think I’m more- afraid of what _could_ happen? If that makes sense?”

Margo nods in understanding. “Then my advice would be to take it easy on yourself. Re-establish your sense of routine as soon as possible, make sure you take your meds, talk to me or your parents or Isak, and I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t be fine.”

He releases a shaky breath, closing his eyes for the briefest moment. “Okay.”

She redirects the conversation after that, moving onto lighter topics and asking him about school and his interests. And by the time the hour is up he doesn’t feel lighter necessarily, but the dread in his stomach has dissipated somewhat.

* * *

 

**Torsdag 17:00**

When he gets home he feels exhausted, the emotional weight of today finally taking its toll as he steps through the front door and suddenly doesn’t have to keep his barriers up anymore. He hangs up his jacket and toes off his shoes before wandering through the apartment, coming to a stop in the doorway of their bedroom when he finds Isak sitting up in their bed with two bowls of pasta laid out on a tray in front of him. Isak smiles at him when he looks up and wordlessly pats the mattress beside him.

God, Even _loves_ him.

He climbs onto the bed with a sigh, leaning heavily into Isak’s side and closing his eyes when Isak kisses his temple.

“How did it go?” he asks, carding a hand through Even’s hair and making him feel like he’s returning to centre.

“Good,” Even admits. “I think- I think I can talk to her.”

“That’s really great, baby,” Isak whispers, kissing the side of his head again. He must sense Even doesn’t really want to talk about it because he doesn’t push any further than that.

Instead Even changes the subject and Isak lets him. “You made dinner?” he asks, heart feeling full at the thought, and he can tell the affection seeps into his voice.

Isak’s shoulder shakes a bit when he laughs. “I did,” he proudly declares. “Pretty soon, I’ll be a real house-husband.”

Even huffs a laugh. “You have to be willing to clean for that,” he teases, sitting up to raise his eyebrows at Isak.

Isak rolls his eyes, muttering an embarrassed, “shut up,” before reaching to pull the tray up onto both their laps. “Want to watch a movie?”

Even nods and Isak digs through the comforter to find the remote. He lets out a victorious little noise after a moment and goes to turn on the TV but Even stops him with a hand on his arm. “Wait a second.”

Isak pauses, dutifully turning to him.

“Kiss me first.”

Isak’s expression brightens and he tangles a hand in Even’s shirt, drawing him in for a soft kiss. And suddenly Even remembers how to breathe again.

“Oh, by the way,” Isak says a few minutes later, once they’ve settled on a movie and tucked into their dinners. “Mahdi found a party we can go to tomorrow night.”

The words make Even pause and he slowly sets his fork down, hesitating over his words. “Um actually.”

Isak looks up when he cuts himself off and there’s a tiny crinkle in his forehead but he doesn’t push, just waits patiently for Even to finish.

“I- when I was talking to my therapist she, um, she said that it might be good for me to take it easy this week.”

The crinkle becomes more pronounced until Isak is full on frowning and he pushes his plate aside. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he says hastily. “I’m fine, I am. I just- with the stress of moving and starting over with a new therapist I’ve been kind of, I guess, afraid? I just don’t want to trigger an episode.”

He looks down as he says it, not quite brave enough to meet Isak’s eyes, but then Isak’s gently touching his chin and tilting his head up. And when their eyes lock Even sees nothing but quiet understanding reflected back in Isak’s expression.

“It’s okay,” Isak tells him softly. “We’ll stay home.”

“You don’t have to-“ Even starts to protest but Isak shakes his head.

“We don’t need to go out. The boys won’t care.”

Even worries his lip between his teeth, shaking off the feeling that he’s somehow holding Isak back, before nodding and leaning his forehead against Isak’s to whisper, “I love you.”

Isak sweeps his nose against Even’s and pulls back with an affectionate smile. “Love you too. Let’s finish dinner, yeah?”

Even turns back to his food and back to the movie and allows himself to get lost in another world with Isak’s touch keeping him grounded so he doesn’t drift too far.

* * *

 

**Fredag 19:03**

When Even hears a knock at their door on Friday evening he expects it to be the delivery guy with their pizza. What he doesn’t expect is Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi carrying four pizza boxes, a hoard of side orders, and drinks.

“Uh, hi?” he asks confusedly, immediately met with a round of enthusiastic greetings as the boys shuffle through the front door. “What are you doing here?”

“Isak said you didn’t feel up to going out so we thought we could all hang here tonight,” Magnus tells him, heading in the direction of the living room where Isak is waiting with the TV paused.

For a moment, Even is surprised that Isak told them the truth about why they weren’t going out and didn’t just make up an excuse but just as quickly he realises he should’ve expected this. The boys have been unwavering in their support ever since he became their friend, and Magnus especially has been fairly adept at picking up on Even’s moods.

“Isn’t there a party you wanted to go to?” he asks, following them into the living room and finding Isak helping them make space on the coffee table to get everything to fit.

“I’ll get glasses,” Mahdi announces, pushing himself up off the floor and slipping through the door into the kitchen. He pats Even’s shoulder on the way.

“Dude, there’s gonna be like, ten million parties we can go to this year,” Jonas says lightly. “Skipping one won’t kill us. It’s nice to have a chill night every so often.”

“Mhm,” Magnus hums in enthusiastic agreement around a mouthful of pizza. “We can have a slumber party, it’ll be sick.”

“You’re not sleeping over, Magnus,” Isak says, rolling his eyes, but the action is more fond than anything else. Isak catches his eye then, winking and offering him a small smile. It’s enough to spur Even into action and he rounds the coffee table, taking a seat on the floor beside Isak and ducking his head when Isak bumps their shoulders together.

Mahdi returns with glasses then, placing them in the free space on the table and settling between Magnus and Jonas.

“So Mags, how come you’re not ditching us for your girlfriend tonight?” Isak asks once they’ve all begun eating. It’s kind of hilarious watching how Isak, Jonas and Mahdi went from teasing Magnus for being single to teasing Magnus for being in a relationship but Magnus always shrugs them off with a laugh once they get their ribbing in.

“She’s at some party with the girls,” he says absently, looking torn between eating a chicken strip or a curly fry first.

“The party we were gonna go to?” Jonas asks but Magnus shakes his head.

“Nah, I don’t know whose. I think Sana knew them or something?”

“Wow, you really listen when your girlfriend talks,” Mahdi snorts, pausing with his drink to his mouth to shoot Magnus a shit-eating grin.

“Fuck you, I listen!” Magnus exclaims indignantly. “She was just vague about the details.”

That starts off another round of teasing at one another’s expense, leading into a flow of easy conversation as it always does, and Even is content to sit and watch, feeling warmth spread throughout his chest at the sight. After a while Isak bumps his shoulder again, more deliberate this time in an attempt to catch his attention. He looks over at Isak and finds him already watching him. “You good?” Isak asks quietly.

Even nods, feeling a grin spread across his face. “Yeah,” he murmurs, leaning into Isak’s side. “You’re the best.”

Isak grins, shaking his head as he glances back to their friends. “Don’t look at me. It was all their idea.”

And he shouldn’t be surprised, honestly, but it still takes Even a while sometimes to remember just how much he loves these boys, just how much space they’ve taken up in his heart now.

He watches them bickering good-naturedly over a pizza slice – even though there’s literally three other boxes – and says, “They’re the best too.”

*


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I uh, after you left my biology class this morning,” Isak says, staring down at their hands. “Sana was on Facebook and I saw a picture of your friend. Mikael.”
> 
> Even’s entire body seems to freeze up – limb by limb, until he can’t move, can’t speak, can’t think. 
> 
> It’s catching up to him. 
> 
> He knew it would. But he’s not ready. He can’t do this, not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *says updates will be weekly*  
> Me: *has no self-control*
> 
> the reaction to chapter 1 has been so wonderful!!!!! it makes me so happy to know you're all enjoying it so far :') there are some brief descriptions of Even's episode at bakka and suicide attempt in this chapter, just to give you a head's up <3
> 
> we're easing into the pain in this one, folks sadkjfhsdjh   
> enjoy <33

  **Lørdag 18:15**

Saturday night dinners with Even’s parents have become something of a tradition since the first day Even took Isak to meet them. It wasn’t something they ever officially planned but with him and Isak usually spending Friday nights with their friends and saving Sundays for their lazy days, Saturday somehow became their designated day. Ever since Even started spending so much time at kollektivet and now that he and Isak living together, it’s been nice to have their standing dinner invitation every week to look forward to.

The fact that he gets to watch Isak with his parents is just a bonus.

Right now he’s in the dining room, ostensibly helping Isak set the table, but he’s mostly just watching the way Isak chats to his mom through kitchen door.

She appears in the doorway then, leaning against the frame and folding her arms over her chest as she watches them. Even recognises the fond smile on her face as the same one he usually wears whenever Isak does anything particularly endearing. “Isak, let Even do that, come help me in the kitchen,” she requests.

“If it’s a cooking matter I think we both know Even is a better sous chef,” Isak laughs, getting a self-deprecating grin on his face when Even’s mom comes over and squeezes his shoulder in a half hug.

“Lucky for you, I just need someone tall to help me reach something,” she teases playfully and Even scoffs from the other side of the table.

“I’m taller than him.”

His mom fixes him with an exasperated look, tutting exaggeratedly. “Yes, Even, but I need you to tell your pappa that dinner is ready so could I please borrow your boyfriend?” she asks, tone dry, as if daring him to challenge her. “You have nothing to worry about; I’ve already told him all your embarrassing stories by now.”

Even lets out a laugh and finishes straightening the last fork. “Yes, Mamma,” he says sweetly, grinning at Isak’s huff of amusement.

A few minutes later they’re all seated around the table, digging into their food, and Even feels something swell in his chest at the familiarity of the scene. It’s one he’s known all his life but now Isak has been here so many times the picture in his head of dinner at home has swelled to include him, like he’s irrevocably part of the family.

Once they’ve exhausted the topic of Even and Isak’s new flat his parents turn to one of their other favourite topics: school.

“Isak, how’s study been going for your chemistry test?” his dad asks interestedly and Even watches with a tiny smile as Isak sits up a little straighter under the attention, silently preening. It hurts him to think about the last time either of Isak’s own parents asked him about school when he was still living at home. He’s just thankful his own mom and dad can fill the void somewhat.

“Okay,” Isak says awkwardly and Even stares steadfastly down at his plate to hide his blush. It’s maybe his fault Isak hasn’t gotten much study in this week. “I think I’m probably gonna try and study with Sana when we go back to school. We work pretty well together so I think it’ll help.”

“You’ll do wonderful,” Even’s mom replies, voice sure. “I expect pictures of the big shiny five on your test when you get it back.”

“Please, Liv,” Even’s dad scoffs. “He’s getting a six.”

Isak is flushed scarlet when Even looks at him, face ducked to the table in an attempt to mask it, and Even can’t help it when he leans over to kiss his cheek. He loves his boyfriend, his parents love his boyfriend – life is good.

After dinner they send Isak and his dad out for dessert from the little shop around the corner while Even elects to stay behind and help his mom clean up.

“So I know you told me on the phone,” his mom says as he hands her another wet plate to dry. “But how did Thursday really go?”

“It was okay,” he says, blowing out a breath. “We didn’t really delve into anything too deep since she was just trying to get to know me or whatever.” He shrugs and he can see his mom nodding from the corner of his eye but he keeps his gaze on the plate he’s scrubbing.

“But you feel like you can talk to her?” she asks worriedly. “We don’t need to look for someone else? Because, honey, if you’re just trying not to put up a fuss you don’t have to-“

“Mamma,” he says softly, smile tilting his lips just a bit when she clamp her mouth shut. “It’s okay,” he promises. “It’s too soon to tell if she’ll be as helpful as Ann but- she was nice. I’ll see how it goes.”

His mom nods again, stepping closer and lifting up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I’m proud of you,” she murmurs earnestly. “I really am. You’re doing so well, Even.”

His throat inexplicably feels too tight for him to answer so he just bobs his head, giving her a brief smile before he turns back to the sink and lets out a shaky breath. His mother very tactfully doesn’t point it out.

“So when are you inviting us over to that flat of yours, hmm?” she asks then and Even is truly impressed with her skill to always so deftly change the conversation. She needs to teach him that someday.

“You know you can come over whenever you want,” he tells her.

“Don’t think I won’t take you up on that offer,” she warns playfully, hip-checking him as she takes a dish from his hand.

Isak and his dad return not long after with chocolate cake in tow for dessert while his mom digs ice-cream out of the freezer and they take up residence on the couches in the living room to eat. And it’s a good night. Familiar, comfortable, settled. A kind of night Even can see himself having a million times over and never growing tired of.

When he and Isak finally take their leave after dusk has faded well into dark, Even goes home with a smile on his face.

* * *

**Mandag 11:24**

When Even attempts to get out of bed on Monday morning two arms wrap tightly around his middle and pull him back onto the mattress. Or, more accurately, onto Isak’s chest.

“Nope,” Isak says decisively and Even huffs a laugh, relaxing back in Isak’s hold.

“Is there a reason why I’m not allowed leave our bed?” he asks wryly.

“Today’s our last day off,” Isak mumbles against his shoulder. “We can’t have morning sex anymore starting tomorrow.”

Even twists in Isak’s arms, shifting around until he’s settled on top of him, and gives him a doubtful look. “We used to have morning sex before school all the time at the kollektiv.”

Isak sighs long-sufferingly, rolling his eyes heavenward and looking far too adorable considering he hasn’t even brushed his teeth or hair yet. “Yeah but we can’t take our _time_ ,” he says meaningfully.

“ _Oh_ ,” Even quips, biting back a laugh. “Is _that_ want you want to do?”

Isak huffs again, giving him an unimpressed look with absolutely no heat behind it considering the way he’s still grinning. “Stop being such a pain in the ass.”

Even smirks. “But-“

Isak claps a hand over his mouth before he can say any more. “Don’t,” he warns.

Even’s eyes crinkle at the corners and he promptly licks Isak hand, making the other boy groan and snatch his hand away. Even lets out a laugh as soon as his mouth is free, straddling his legs over Isak’s hips and planting his hands on either side of Isak’s head. “Kiss me.”

“Well since you asked,” Isak drawls before his grin overtakes his face once again and he’s dragging Even down to crash their lips together.

Isak’s fingers twist through his hair and he uses the leverage to guide Even’s mouth, nipping at his lips before deepening the kiss. Even, for his part, is more than happy to be led any which way, skin tingling where his chest is brushing against Isak’s and falling onto his arms when staying up on his hands is too much effort. He squeezes Isak’s hips between his thighs, licking into his mouth and humming when Isak makes a pleased sound at the back of his throat.

Being with Isak always makes him feel something different depending on the situation. There are times where it’s emotional and intense and they can barely look at each other because what’s happening between them is too earth-shattering to bear. There are times when it’s quick and dirty and a race to see who can get the other off first either because they’re in a rush or because they’re too keyed up to wait.

But this, Even _loves_ this.

He loves when kissing Isak or making out with Isak or having sex with Isak is just _fun_. Where they can laugh between kisses and not everything is coordinated but just about exploring and trying to make each other feel good. If he could live in this feeling forever, he would.

After they’ve been kissing long enough for his lips to feel pleasantly tingly he can’t ignore the hardness in his sweatpants anymore and he grinds down experimentally, making Isak arch his back and release a muffled moan into his mouth.

When Isak bucks his hips up, seeking that same friction, Even can’t help dropping a few kisses across his jaw and asking, “What happened to taking our time?”

“Oh fuck _off_ ,” Isak huffs, the tail-end of his sentence trailing away to a groan when Even rolls his hips down again.

“Did you say fuck off or pants off?” Even teases, only to have the wind knocked out of him when Isak flips them over.

Even takes a minute to get his breath back but as soon as he does he starts laughing. “You’re so impatient, oh my god.”

Isak attempts to shut up him up with a kiss which works for roughly half a second before they both crack up, giggling into each other’s mouths and bumping foreheads. “Even, I swear to god,” Isak complains, breaking off when Even tugs another reluctant laugh out of him.

“Okay, okay, come here,” Even coaxes, amusement still colouring his voice as he pulls Isak down and kisses over his throat. Their laughter dies pretty quickly after that and soon Isak is kissing down his chest, smudges of lips that leave heat lingering in their wake, until he finally reaches Even’s waistband.

“I was gonna let you go first, you know,” Even says airily, swallowing hard as Isak’s fingers curl in the waistband of his pants.

Isak hums, pulling his sweats over his hips achingly slowly. “Yeah, well you were taking too long.”

“You’re not exactly going fast yourself-“ Even chokes on his words as soon as Isak swallows him down and he closes his eyes in an attempt to regain his composure, fisting the sheets between his hands to give himself something to hold onto.

Isak is relentless, bobbing his head and humming around Even’s dick and sending shockwaves through Even’s entire body. And in the end it doesn’t take him long at all to bring Even to the brink of his release, sending him toppling over the edge with a moan as he melts into the mattress.

Isak crawls up his body as soon as he’s pulled off, settling on his chest and kissing Even’s chin. Even contents himself in lying together until he gets his breath back and then he’s rolling them over again, fixing Isak with a wicked grin when he lands on top of him.

“Your turn.”

* * *

**Onsdag 20:31**

On Wednesday, the euphoria Even has been riding ever since they moved in – since he met Isak, really – comes to a grinding, screeching _halt_.

“Baby,” Isak calls from the table.

“Hmm?” Even hums distractedly. He’s been watching a movie on his laptop with his earphones plugged in for the past hour. The last time he checked, Isak was still studying for his chemistry test after setting up camp at the table in their room.

“I um- I saw something weird today,” Isak says, voice sounding oddly hesitant.

Even pauses the movie and pulls his earphones out of his ears, turning to look at Isak. He’s radiating anxiety and it’s an uncommon enough occurrence at this point that it makes Even frown. “Yeah? What happened?”

Isak looks from the books strewn across the table and back to Even before pushing himself out of his seat. He pads three steps across the room and climbs onto the bed with Even and Even’s heart starts to pound as soon as Isak takes his hand. What the fuck is going on?

“I uh, after you left my biology class this morning,” Isak says, staring down at their hands. “Sana was on Facebook and I saw a picture of your friend. Mikael.”

Even’s entire body seems to freeze up – limb by limb, until he can’t move, can’t speak, can’t _think._

It’s catching up to him.

He knew it would. But he’s not _ready_. He can’t do this, not yet.

“I didn’t know she knew him,” Isak prods gently. But Even doesn’t have any answers for him. He doesn’t know what to say. He can barely process Isak’s voice.

It takes him far too long to find a way to force his words out and they sound like a knife in his throat when he finally does. “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in a while.”

“Oh,” Isak says, voice quiet. “Do you-“

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Even says abruptly, cutting Isak off and climbing over him to get off the bed.

“Even-“

“I’ll be back in a minute!” he calls, all but racing to the bathroom and collapsing back against the door once he’s closed it.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he releases a ragged breath. Fuck. What’s he supposed to do? He can’t- he can’t tell Isak yet. Hot shame lances through him just at the thought. He’s not ready to see the look on Isak’s face when he finally knows the truth and all its horrible fucking details. He’s not ready to lose him.

(The rational part of his brain tells him that he won’t, that nothing will change, that Isak will love him just as much. But he can’t make the thought stick in his head for longer than a few seconds.)

He staggers over to the shower on shaky legs, pulling off his clothes mechanically and climbing under the spray before it’s even warmed up. He doesn’t really do anything while he’s in there, makes no attempt to wash his hair or his body, just stands there hoping the water will somehow clear his head.

It doesn’t. And when he climbs out and wraps a towel around his waist his stomach churns at the thought of returning to Isak. But he has to. They promised they’d always talk things through and even if he doesn’t tell him the whole truth, he can’t leave him in the dark like this.

Isak is still sitting in the same place he was in when Even left him and it takes every ounce of his strength to not just break down crying and curl into his arms. Instead he goes to the chest of drawers that holds their clothes and methodically gets dressed, tugging on sweatpants and a t-shirt and Isak’s hoodie, layering himself up like it’s armour.

It isn’t until he’s done that Isak finally speaks and when he does it’s just one word.

“Even.”

Even turns around and meets his eyes and it’s enough to make his heart splinter in his chest. He remains rooted to the spot for a few seconds before he finally cracks, moving too fast and confusing his body as he pushes himself up onto the bed.  And, in an instant, Isak’s holding him, hand drifting up to card through Even’s wet hair. Even clings to him, holding on for dear life like Isak will disappear if he lets up even the slightest bit.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Isak whispers against his neck, punctuating his words with a soft kiss. “Whatever it is. You don’t have to tell me.”

“I want to,” Even says after a too long pause, voice hoarse. “But I can’t yet.”

“It’s okay,” Isak promises, coaxing Even’s head up to meet his gaze and pressing their foreheads together once they do. “It’s okay.”

“You know I dropped out of Bakka because of an episode,” he says tremulously, averting his eyes and focusing on the hem of Isak’s shirt. He still notices it when Isak nods. “I- I stopped talking to Mikael and my other friends after that. I haven’t spoken to them since.”

It’s all he can offer him for now. He desperately hopes it’s enough.

Isak is quiet for a long time but eventually he pulls Even into him again, tangling their limbs until it’s impossible to know where one of them begins and the other ends. “I won’t ask you why,” he says quietly. “I don’t need to know that right now. But if you ever feel like telling me, I’ll listen.”

“I know,” Even whispers, the lump in his throat making it near impossible to speak.

“We’re just going to hold each other for this minute, okay?”

Closing his eyes, Even sinks a little deeper into Isak’s warmth, feeling a stray tear finally slip out.

“Okay.”

* * *

**Torsdag 15:37**

“Isak asked about one of my friends from my old school yesterday.”

Margo regards him for a moment and he knows she can see how tense he’s holding himself. “What brought that on?”

“Our friend, Sana, she’s one of my old friends’ little sisters,” he explains, feeling strange finally saying it out loud. “Isak doesn’t know we knew each other before but um, he saw a picture of Mikael on her Facebook or something and he asked me about it.”

“Why haven’t you told Isak you know Sana from before you moved to Nissen?” Margo asks It’s not the question he expects and it throws him off for a moment.

“I- if I did, I’d have to explain _how_ I know her and I haven’t been ready for that,” he says quietly. Though he supposes now he might as well know. But he can’t stop imagining the betrayed look on Isak’s face when he finds out and it makes his courage disappear into thin air.

Margo nods and makes a note. “How much have you told Isak about your time at your old school?”

Even avoids her penetrating gaze and looks uncomfortably off to the side. “Not much. I’ve told him I had an episode which is why I dropped out and last night I told him I haven’t kept in contact with my friends from there. But that’s it really. He might’ve heard rumours too though, I don’t know.”

“Even,” she says frankly, shifting her position in her seat and crossing one leg over the other. “Your episode last year is something that clearly still troubles you deeply. We don’t need to delve into why that is today if you don’t feel up to it but would you mind telling me what happened? It’ll help give some clarity to your current situation.”

Even feels sick at the thought of saying it all out loud again. But there’s also a comfort in it, sort of. In the thought that she doesn’t hold any personal position in his life. That she can’t leave if he tells her or that their relationship will irreconcilably change if she knows. Maybe this could be like a practice round. Before he can work himself up to tell Isak.

So he says it.

He tells her about feeling confused, about the way he found his eyes lingering on boys just as much as girls, that he just lingered on _people_ and he didn’t understand what that meant. He tells her about trying to kiss Mikael when he was hypomanic and Mikael’s reaction. He tells her he studied the Qur’an, in English first and then in Arabic when that wasn’t enough. He tells her about reading passages on homosexuality, and committing them to memory, and posting them on Facebook.

He tells her about the devastating crash that followed where he’d spiralled so low he’d already felt six feet beneath the ground. He tells her how he’d felt like he was fucking suffocating and the thoughts wouldn’t go away. He tells her he tried to kill himself, downed half a bottle of sleeping pills in a desperate attempt to make his brain stop for a while.

“I stopped talking to them after that,” he whispers, with too many tears in his eyes blurring his vision. “They tried calling and texting when I was depressed but I couldn’t- I _couldn’t_.”

A box of tissues appears in front of his face and he looks up, blinking rapidly. There’s compassion in Margo’s expression but nothing else. He takes the box on autopilot, pulling out a tissue more to be polite than because he actually intends to use it. Instead he just scrunches it up in his fingers and scrubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“Even,” she says quietly. “You went through an incredibly overwhelming and painful ordeal. And it was only just over a year ago; it’s expected that this would still be an experience you find difficult to confront but it’s important that you also remember where you are now.”

He sniffles, not sure what to say, so he just waits for her to continue.

“You are in what seems to be a very stable and committed relationship, you’ve just moved into your new home, you’re close to finishing your third year. These are very big achievements and you need to remind yourself of that.”

“I know,” he mumbles, throat still thick with tears.

“You’ve come a very long way,” she tells him. “The next step is for you to work through your past, to make peace with it.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that though,” he says quietly, weakly, voice wobbly like he’s seconds away from breaking. Talking about his episode with Ann had been different because it had been so close to the event that the wounds were still fresh. Back then it was more about helping him make sense of what happened so he could find a way to build himself back up and start living his life again. He realises now he never really did make peace with what happened, instead just shoved it to the back of his mind and allowed the wounds to fester until they became infected.

“That’s okay,” she says. “We’ll take it one step at a time.”

It’s so close to Isak’s mantra that Even almost smiles.

“How did you feel when Isak asked about Mikael?” she asks then, a gentle nudge back to their original conversation.

Taking a steadying breath, he answers. “Like I was going to have a panic attack.”

“I’d like us to focus on working through that feeling for the next few sessions,” she says. “It is your prerogative whether or not you want to tell Isak but if we can work through your fear of your past and how you think it will impact your present it should hopefully make that conversation easier, should you decide to have it someday.”

“Shall we try that?” she asks when he doesn’t say anything.

Pushing away the mounting dread making his chest squeeze too tight, he nods. “Okay.”

* * *

**Fredag 19:00**

Friday night finds them standing outside the front door of the kollektiv.

They’d planned to have drinks with Eskild for the night. After he’d come home from his therapy session yesterday looking a little worse for wear Isak had wordlessly drawn him into his arms and told him Eskild had invited them over to the flat for the night to catch up and have drinks. Even knows for a fact the guys are gone to a party and he’s silently grateful Isak didn’t even suggest it. He’s been feeling unsettled ever since Wednesday and he’s not sure going out tonight would’ve done him any good. Kollektivet is familiar though, it’s comfortable. A home away from home.

Isak flashes him a grin over his shoulder as he fishes his key out of his pocket to unlock the door. They’d tried giving their keys back when they moved out but Eskild had refused to take them. To Even, it had been a nice gesture but he knows to Isak, it had meant the world. Isak, who’d felt like he’d been adrift without a home for so long, having a key to somewhere and being told he could always return  was the biggest gesture of love he could’ve possibly been given by someone he considered family.

When they step through the front door they’re met with the girls having a furious discussion on the couches, too wrapped up in whatever they’re debating to even notice he and Isak have arrived.

But Eskild appears in the doorway leading down the hall just as quickly, grinning brightly. “Halla! Come here, come here. Let me hug you. I haven’t seen you in almost two weeks, this is awful.”

Isak puts up a fuss but Even doesn’t the miss the way he clings to Eskild for longer than necessary when they hug.

“Hi Eskild,” Even says warmly when it’s his turn, accepting the tight squeeze Eskild wrangles him into.

“Hey handsome,” he winks. “Sure you’re not sick of living with him yet?” He gestures with his thumb in Isak’s direction, smirking when Isak lets out an offended noise.

Even just laughs, wrapping an arm securely around Isak’s shoulders. Isak huffs but settles into Even’s arms nonetheless.  “Nah, I think I’ll keep him.”

Eskild gives them an indulgent smile before gesturing down the hall behind him. “Come on, we’ve been relegated to the kitchen,” he says, widening his eyes meaningfully at the girls who are still talking over each other.

“What are they doing?” Even asks as Isak tugs him in the direction of the kitchen.

“Bus drama,” Eskild says unconcernedly, waving a hand. “I was hoping we could relax in the living room but I suppose the kitchen works just as well. We’re closer to the alcohol that way anyway.”

When they arrive in the kitchen Linn is already sitting at one of the chairs around the table; she’s in her pyjamas but Even still feels a little touched that she even wanted to leave her room to see them.

Isak greets her with a fist bump and he’ll never understand how their friendship works but he has no doubt they’re both secretly incredibly fond of one another. He and Isak grab two of the empty chairs while Eskild goes to the counter, checking over his ingredients.

“How are you doing, Linn?” Even asks while Isak starts picking at the pretzels set out in a bowl on the table.

Linn shrugs. “Eskild said he’d make me a Sex on the Beach so.”

“I am!” Eskild cuts in before Even can say anything, spinning around and clapping his hands together excitedly. “I got a new cocktail recipe book and I’ve gotten _so good_ at making them, haven’t I Linn? Pick your poison, boys.” He tosses Isak the book and Even leans in so they can both flick through the pages.

After Eskild actually makes a pretty impressive daiquiri for Isak and a slightly improvised pornstar martini for Even, the four of them gather around the table and Eskild starts quizzing them about their new apartment. It’s a toss-up, really, whether Even or Isak gushes the most. Isak provides long-winded details about every room in their flat but Even has no shame in whipping out his phone and showing Eskild the multitude of pictures and videos he took while they were in the process of moving in.

It’s around the time Eskild is cooing upon discovering there’s a picture of kollektivet on their fridge that the girls come barging into the room, Vilde leading the charge.

“Even!” she calls, effectively cutting off the rest of the girls and making the room fall silent. “You’re in third year, yes?”

“Uh, yeah?” he replies uncertainly, catching sight of Isak’s face screwed up in bemusement where he sits next to him.

“Are you part of a Russ bus?” she asks, smile wide and excited.

Isak snorts beside him and Even offers him a kind smile. “No, Vilde. I’m not.”

Vilde’s enthusiasm flags at that but she perks up again in record time. “Do you have any friends who are? Who might be selling their bus?”

Even doesn’t really have friends in third year. He has acquaintances who get his notes for him if he misses school and invite him to parties but that’s pretty much it. “Uh I kind of spend too much time hanging out with all of you to really spend time with any third years,” he huffs amusedly.

Vilde finally deflates and he hears Sana mutter, “I told you.”

The girls share a look and Sana rolls her eyes in exasperation. “I said I’d fix it. Relax. We’re getting that bus.”

Even considers asking what’s going on but Isak hastily shaking his head and drawing a line across his neck in a signature _cut it out_ gesture stops him. Apparently he doesn’t need to ask anyway because Vilde launches into a monologue about their meeting over a bus today and how the Pepsi Max girls want the bus too – Even has no idea who they are but considering the horror in her voice he makes a note to ask Isak later.

Even _tries_ to listen to the story – and not laugh at Isak’s exasperated barbs – and he’s somewhat succeeding but he then accidentally locks eyes with Sana. And the ease he’d finally felt sitting around the table with Eskild, Linn and Isak evaporates as the past two days come rushing back to him. He remembers how all this started, what prompted Isak to ask about Mikael in the first place. Sana offers him a half-smile and he smiles back, one thought in his mind.

He needs to talk to Sana.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!!!!
> 
> as always, I'm on tumblr at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) :')


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steeling himself, Even unlocks his phone and opens Sana’s contact.
> 
> _Even: Hey, sorry I know it’s late. And I know I’m being paranoid but I was just hoping you could tell me exactly what Isak said when he saw the picture?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 3, my loves!
> 
> I've pretty much given up on the idea of updating once a week by now but I think you all probably prefer this anyway haha :') I know this chapter is a liiiiittle bit shorter than the previous ones but I promise the next few chapters will make up for it!!!!
> 
> Slight warning for internalise homophobia plus discussions of what happened between Even and Mikael at Bakka
> 
> Enjoy <3

**Sondag 12:02**

“Okay we probably should get out of bed now,” Isak says with a half-laugh, making a vague attempt to sit up before Even drags him back in.

“No,” he says stubbornly, wrapping his arms tighter around Isak’s middle and burying his face in the crook of his neck. “Sunday’s our lazy day, remember?”

He doesn’t really have an explanation for his clinginess. All he knows is that ever since he woke up he hasn’t really wanted to let Isak go this morning.

Isak chuckles but relaxes into him anyway, turning around in Even’s arms so they’re lying face to face. “You wanna stay here?” Isak asks softly, tracing his thumb under Even’s eye before settling a hand on his cheek.

“I want to stay here,” Even murmurs, sighing when Isak leans in to slot their lips together in a sweet kiss.

They part after a moment with Isak running his fingers over Even’s face once again – along his hairline, across his jaw, over his cheekbone – his touch feather-light and soothing enough to make Even feel like he could fall back to sleep. “Are you doing okay?” Isak asks, still touching Even, still keeping him grounded. “You’ve been quiet since Wednesday.”

Even tries not to stiffen at the words but he’s not sure how much he succeeds. He knows he’s been off ever since Isak brought up Mikael. He’s trying not to be. He’s trying not to think about it at all, honestly. But it’s always there, always in the back of his head. And the part of his mind that’s his own worst enemy keeps telling him Isak’s resentment grows with every passing day for not telling him the truth.

He feels like there’s a countdown hanging above his head. He knows he’s running out of time to tell Isak the truth before everything blows up in his face but he also doesn’t know how he’s supposed to talk about it. He hasn’t said a word to anyone about any of it outside of a therapist’s office since it happened. Even Sonja and his parents could never get anything out of him when they’d tried.

Rubbing the soft fabric of Isak’s sleep shirt between his fingers and keeping his eyes trained on the action, he whispers, “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, none of that,” Isak murmurs, ducking his head to catch Even’s gaze. “I’m not angry at you for not telling me about your past. I haven’t told you everything about _my_ past. That shit’s not easy to talk about, I know that.”

Even nods, pursing his lips and feeling his forehead dip in a frown. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just fucking say it though. Why the shame still has to cling to him like a second skin. Why it won’t stop fucking _hurting_ him, even a year later.

Sighing, he cuddles closer to Isak, tangling their legs beneath the covers. “You’re the best thing in my life,” he whispers. “I don’t want to change that.”

Isak is silent for a beat before, quietly, he says, “Baby, look at me.”

Even does, though it takes him a moment to convince himself to raise his eyes.

“Nothing you could ever say would change that. Nothing you could ever say would change the fact that you’re the best thing in _my_ life,” Isak tells him, voice so full of earnest conviction it’s impossible to doubt him. “If I ask about something from your past it’s because I’m worried about you. But that doesn’t mean I’m owed an explanation.”

Isak connects their foreheads, purposely making their noses bump as he speaks like he’s trying to remind Even that he’s here. “All that matters to me is that you’re happy,” he promises and Even feels unshed tears burn behind his eyes.

Fuck. He doesn’t deserve Isak. He really, really doesn’t.

“You’re too good for me,” he mumbles, closing his eyes so he won’t have to meet Isak’s gaze anymore.

“No,” Isak disagrees gently. “We’re just right for each other.”

Even’s eyes flicker open at that and he finds the faintest trace of a smile on Isak’s face. “Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Isak nods, leaning back so he doesn’t knock Even’s forehead. “We’re just enough of everything that the other person needs.”

“That sounds nice,” he replies quietly, feeling a smile tug at the corner of his lips the longer he meets Isak’s affectionate gaze.

Isak hums again, tucking a strand of Even’s hair behind his ear. “Elsker deg.”

Even shifts, nudging Isak onto his back so he can pillow his head on his chest. Right over his heart so he can hear the steady thump under his ear. “Elsker deg.”

* * *

**Mandag 16:00**

Even is relieved for the normality that comes with his shift at Kaffebrenneriet on Monday after school.

It’s too busy for him to get trapped inside his own thoughts and he takes a kind of comfort in the methodical procedure required of making coffee. He’s felt better since he and Isak talked yesterday morning. Mikael is still on his mind but he trusts in Isak’s patience for now – even if he really doesn’t deserve it – and just hopes that after a couple of conversations with Margo he might be brave enough to explain himself.

He still wants to talk to Sana too, wants to find out exactly what Isak saw and exactly what she said, and he’s hoping that might put some of his anxieties to bed. But for now, he’s just trying to stick to minute by minute as much as possible.

It’s helping.

Even is in the middle of cleaning down the coffee machine when he hears someone clear their throat at the till. He’s the only one behind the counter so he drops the cloth in his hand and makes his way over to the cash register, feeling his expression brighten at the sight of Isak waiting expectantly.

“Halla,” he grins, bracing his hands on the countertop and leaning across it to give Isak a kiss.

He doesn’t even bother checking to see if his manager’s watching anymore. Lise usually cycles between being endeared and exasperated by Even and Isak; she doesn’t even attempt to scold him anymore if he sometimes forgets he’s supposed to working when Isak shows up.

“Halla,” Isak says, humming happily and rocking back on his heels.

“I thought you were studying at home?”

“I can’t study when you’re not there,” he says, waving a dismissive hand and looking over Even’s head at the drinks menu.

“I thought you couldn’t study when I _am_ there?” Even asks bemusedly.

Isak’s gaze returns to Even and he huffs out a long-suffering sigh. “Fine. I missed you. Will you make me coffee now?”

Even laughs, leaning forward and mumbling, “I missed you too,” before pecking Isak’s lips once more. (Because Isak can deny as vehemently as he wants that he doesn’t silently ask for kisses by tilting his chin up but that doesn’t mean Even’s ever going to pass up the opportunity to kiss him when his lips are _right there_.)

“Go sit at your usual table,” he tells him when he pulls back. “I’ll bring your coffee over.”

Even scans the room while he makes Isak’s coffee. The place has quietened down a lot by now. There’s an old man reading the newspaper and picking apart a scone at one table, a mother entertaining her baby in between intermittent sips of her coffee at another, and two girls that Even vaguely recognises from Nissen sitting by the window chatting and drinking their coffees but other than that, it’s empty. He knows his co-worker is out the back taking their break but Even figures he can get away with sitting down with Isak for a few minutes. He’ll go straight back to the counter if a customer comes in the door.

Once Isak’s coffee is ready he grabs a brownie from the display case and plates it up, carrying them both over to the table Isak is occupying – his biology textbook and laptop already out of his bag – and places them down in front of him.

Isak looks from the brownie to Even. “I didn’t order that?”

Even shrugs, dropping into the seat opposite him. “I wanted to bring my sugar some sugar.”

Isak rolls his eyes so hard it looks like they’re going to roll right out of his head but Even can still see the blush colouring his cheeks. “You’re so ridiculous.”

“Yeah but you’re in love with me though,” Even points out, tearing off a corner of the brownie and popping it in his mouth.

“Stupidly so,” Isak agrees, hooking his ankle around Even’s under the table. “Thank you.”

Between them, they demolish the brownie in less than five minutes and Isak offers him a sip of his coffee to wash it down with.

“What time do you finish at tonight?”

“18:00. I’ll probably have to stay around for a while to clean up though,” Even says. “You gonna hang out with the guys for a while?”

Isak shrugs. “I have a biology assignment so I might just work on that and wait for you.”

“Or you could go home and make us both dinner,” Even suggests, smirking when Isak looks like a deer caught in the headlights. If he really thinks Even hasn’t caught on by now to the fact that he hangs around at KB for Even finish his shift when he doesn’t want to cook he’s got another thing coming. Even figured that one out a week after starting here.

“I could do that,” Isak says slowly.

“Or we could pick up dinner on the way home?” he offers after a beat, deciding to put his boyfriend out of his misery.

Isak slumps back in his chair, nodding fervently. “Yeah, yeah. Good idea. I’ll buy.”

Even suppresses a laugh but nods nonetheless. A customer coming through the door a few minutes later forces him back to the counter and he doesn’t get much of a chance to leave it again after that. But Isak still sits dutifully in the corner, tapping away on his laptop with his earphones plugged in. He gets up at one point to ask for another coffee and squeezes Even’s hand before he moves away from the counter. And just that tiny little gesture is enough to unleash a hoard of butterflies in his stomach that give him enough energy to get through the rest of his shift.

By the time Even is finally able to lock up Isak is waiting for him outside the door, hand outstretched towards him so they can begin making their way down the street. And it’s something they’ve done a thousand times but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the settled feeling in his stomach every time their hands lock into place.

“So, where are we going for dinner?”

* * *

**Onsdag 11:40**

Even knows Isak knows something’s up with him when they’re at McDonalds. He doesn’t say anything but he can feel Isak’s gaze on him more than it normally would be. He thinks under any other circumstances Isak probably wouldn’t blink twice at finding him talking to Sana but after the past week he knows Isak’s on high alert – no matter how much he tells Even he doesn’t need an explanation.

He trusts Even but he’s also more protective then he’ll ever admit and Even knows his behaviour for the past week has been raising red flags.

But Even doesn’t regret approaching Sana. He still wants to talk to her a bit more but his worries have been assuaged somewhat, knowing Isak really didn’t see or learn anything incriminating before Even had the chance to tell him himself. He tries to push the thoughts to the back of his head for now.

Thankfully, Jonas is there as the perfect distraction, regaling them with tales of what he, Mahdi and Magnus got up to at the party last Friday.

“What should we do this weekend?” Jonas asks once he’s given them a play by play of every detail from the pregame to the end of the night, swallowing the last bite of his burger. “Are you working, Even?”

“Yeah but I can pick up drinks for us on the way home if you guys want to come to our place,” he offers. He’s become the designated alcohol buyer in their group and the irony that he hardly drinks himself anymore is not lost on him. He’s been trying to stick to either not drinking at all or only having one or two beers when they go out and in reality, it hasn’t been all that hard. Alcohol was never really his poison of choice. But that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t end up making a trip to the supermarket almost every Friday. He’d be more bothered by it if the guys didn’t practically worship the ground he walked on for doing it.

“Are there even any parties happening?” Isak asks, picking at his fries before electing to steal one of Even’s instead even though they’re the exact same. Even steals one back from him in retaliation.

Jonas shrugs, muttering something about checking on Facebook. He’s hardly been scrolling for a full minute before he suddenly drops his phone . “Yo, you know what we should do?” he asks, drumming his hands on the table top excitedly.

“What?” Even asks amusedly.

“We should go to a cabin! We’ve got Monday off; we could head up Friday night once Even’s finished his shift. Are you supposed to be working at the weekend, bro?”

“I’ve got a morning shift on Saturday but I could probably get someone to swap with me.” Even makes a mental note to text Anders later; Even’s covered enough shifts for him at this point he’s bound to return the favour.

“How the hell are we supposed to afford a cabin on such short notice on a long-weekend?” Isak cuts in dubiously. Which, fair point.

Jonas deflates, looking stumped, but almost immediately he perks up again. “Chris has a cabin; the girls went there last Easter. Do you think she’d let us use it?”

“If Magnus gets Vilde on side she could probably be convinced,” Even points out.

Jonas gives a thoughtful nod before a smirk spreads across his face. “Or we could get Isak to ask her,” he snorts, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Isak who hisses out an embarrassed, “ _shut up_.” And Even is definitely missing something.

He looks to Jonas who catches his eye before turning his devious grin on Isak. “Chris had a major thing for Isak in first year.”

Even can’t help the startled laugh he lets out. “Seriously?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Isak demands, affronted. “You know I’m irresistible.”

Even chuckles softly, patting Isak’s shoulder. “Of course you are, baby.”

Isak rolls his eyes, stealing another two fries from Even and sticking his tongue out.

“So will I text Mahdi and Magnus?” Jonas asks. “And we can say it to Chris in school later?”

Isak looks to Even first before he answers and Even feels secretly heartened by that – it’s one of those little Isak things that he does, checking that Even is comfortable before he agrees to any plans. But honestly, a trip away with the boys sounds exactly like what Even needs right now so he nods.

“Text them.”

* * *

**Onsdag 21:57**

Even has been fiddling with his phone for the past twenty minutes, turning it over and over in his hands while he works himself up to text Sana. He’s been trying to psyche himself up ever since he left her at the lockers and he knows he needs to do it now before he loses his nerve.

He glances over at Isak, curled up on the other end of the couch, legs tangled in the middle with Even’s. His eyes are on the TV but they’re also starting to droop, meaning he’s probably a few minutes away from dozing.

Steeling himself, Even unlocks his phone and opens Sana’s contact.

Even: _Hey, sorry I know it’s late. And I know I’m being paranoid but I was just hoping you could tell me exactly what Isak said when he saw the picture?_

He turns his phone on silent while he waits for a reply, not wanting the notification to alert Isak. His screen lights up a moment later and his heart pounds in the seconds it takes him to unlock it.

Sana: _It really wasn’t a big thing, Even. He saw a picture of Mikael and Yousef. He recognised Mikael, asked who he was, and then class started. I didn’t say anything._

Even closes his eyes in relief but another text comes in before he can reply.

Sana: _You know you can talk to him about this. He’ll listen._

He knows. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

Even: _I know. I’m trying. I’m just not ready yet._

Sana: _That’s okay too._

_You can talk to me as well. If you ever need to._

Even feels his mouth lift up in a smile.

Even: _you’re a good friend, Sana. Thank you._

Sana: _Anytime._

Even locks his phone with a sigh, dropping it onto the carpet and looking over at Isak. His eyes are barely open now. Even bites back a fond smile and nudges him with his foot. “You okay there, sleepy?”

Isak hums absently, looking at Even through hooded eyes before he hauls himself up with a great deal of effort, turning around and crawling over Even to make a bed for himself on Even’s chest instead. Even opens his legs as much as he can to accommodate him, wrapping his arms around Isak’s back.

“You’re much comfier than the couch,” Isak mumbles into his hoodie, snuggling closer.

“That’s really sweet but I’m not carrying you to bed,” Even says with a soft laugh, running his hand over Isak’s shoulders before hugging him snug against him.

Isak gives him another half-hearted hum and falls silent.

Even ends up carrying him to bed.

* * *

**Torsdag 15:34**

“Okay, Even,” Margo says. “Can you tell me a little bit about Mikael? When did you become friends?”

Just hearing his name makes Even’s anxiety spike but he pushes it down and forces himself to speak. “Um, when we started high school…We- there were six of us. Me, Mikael, Yousef, Elias, Mutta and Adam.” He pauses to wet his lips; his throat feels like sandpaper. “We were all best friends but we were kind of paired off too? Like, me and Mikael, Elias and Yousef, and Adam and Mutta. So Mikael was the one I considered myself closest to.”

“When did you start to notice you had feelings for him?” Margo asks and he’s realising he likes the way she asks difficult questions. Completely unassuming with a little cushion of gentleness. It makes it easier to answer them. Downgrades them from impossible to just really fucking hard.

“I don’t- I don’t even know if I really did?” he says uncertainly, frowning down at his hands. “When I compare it to my feelings for Sonja when we first got together and now with Isak- I was so _sure_ in both those cases. I didn’t doubt it for a second. But Mikael…”

It’s something he’s been thinking privately for a while but not really wanted to confront. Mikael rejecting him didn’t break his heart because he was in love with him. It broke his heart because he lost his best friend. That was the part that hurt more than anything. He didn’t realise it until after the fact but he’s almost sure now.

“I think…I think I was figuring out that I liked boys and Mikael was the closest boy to me.”

“Do you think it was easier to envision yourself in a romantic relationship with him because of that?” Margo suggests. And that sounds right.

“I think so,” Even nods. “I think because we were so close and the way we hung out was pretty similar to what Sonja and I used to do for date ideas – you know, going to the movies and stuff – it was easy to project that onto him.

“I know I must have felt _something_ for him,” he allows. “Like, I can admit I was attracted to him but it wasn’t- it’s nothing like I feel now with Isak.”

Margo nods, expression impassive but it almost looks like she’s suppressing a smile. She hasn’t met Isak but Even is half convinced she loves him already just based on the extent that Even gushes about him.

“How did it feel when he rejected you?” she asks then and Even feels himself shutter again. Memories flooding back and filtering through his mind. Of the look of confusion and panic on Mikael’s face. Of Mikael’s stuttered out, “ _I-I’m not gay though_.” Of the gaping, cavernous distance that suddenly existed between them after that day.

“It crushed me,” he confesses, voice hardly above a whisper. “I was- he didn’t do anything outright awful. He just- I guess he got scared? And he distanced himself from me and that hurt more than anything else, the way he was always right there but still just out of reach.”

He sighs, chewing on the inside of his lip. “The fact that I was already hypomanic when I tried to kiss him didn’t help. It just drove me to somehow- prove myself to him.” He squeezes his eyes shut at the thought, remembering sleepless nights spent poring over the Qur’an searching for answers, searching for a way to prove to Mikael that he understood now, that he knew liking boys was wrong.

“Prove yourself to him how?”

“By showing him I knew homosexuality was wrong,” he mutters, lifting his shoulder in a dead giveaway of his discomfort.

“Do you still believe that?” she asks quietly and he shakes his head.

“No,” he replies. “I know it’s not. I know there’s nothing wrong with me, or with Isak. I know my relationship could never be wrong.”

“That’s good, Even,” she tells him and she sounds proud. “And how do you feel about Mikael now?”

Even shrugs again, jiggling his knee in a nervous habit. “I miss him.” It’s a secret he’s been hiding in the depths of his chest for over a year but it’s true. “Mostly I’m- I’m frustrated because we never really talked about what happened except for in the seconds _after_ it happened. I don’t really know what he thought. There was never any-“

“Closure?” Margo offers when he trails off.

He nods mutely.

“Would you be open to starting up contact with him again?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbles. Part of him wants to. Part of him just wants to keep the door to the time in his life closed.

“It might be something to consider,” Margo says. “You don’t need to be friends again but it could help you to have a conversation about it, to help you move on.”

Even still doesn’t think he’s ready to even contemplate that but he nods nonetheless. “Maybe.”

* * *

**Torsdag 16:30**

Isak is waiting for him when he gets out of the medical centre, leaning against the brick wall of the building with his hands stuffed in his pockets, and Even stumbles to a stop when he notices him.

“What are you doing here?”

Isak shrugs, a slow smile spreading across his face as he pushes himself off the wall. He traces the two steps it takes to wind up at Even’s side and then he laces their fingers together. “The last two weeks it seemed like your sessions were kind of taking their toll on you so I thought I’d wait for you here instead of at home.”

Even feels bowled over at the gesture and he knows it shows on his face. He just- he’s not sure he’ll ever get over the way Isak so easily seems to be able to understand exactly what he needs. And then just gives it to him.

“Thank you,” he says softly, not bothering to hide the utter adoration he feels for Isak right now. Not that he thinks he ever does a very good job of hiding it.

Isak quirks his lips, bumping his shoulder with Even’s and tugging on his hand to get him to start walking. “Of course,” he says easily. Like picking Even up from therapy because he’s having a hard time is normal.

He makes it feel like it’s normal.

He makes _Even_ feel like he’s normal.

* * *

**Fredag 19:30**

Friday after Even’s shift finds them on the bus to Chris’ grandmother’s cabin.

When they’d found her in school on Wednesday she’d called her grandmother then and there to ask if they could use it and handed over the keys on Thursday, making a quip about a Ouija board that went over all five of their heads. (Magnus declared they had to play as soon as they arrived. He was heavily vetoed on that one.)

But now they’re on the way and Even honestly can’t wait to relax. He can already feel himself unwinding the further away they get from home. Away from his stress and anxiety and thoughts of Mikael and Bakka. Jonas is stretched out across two seats in front of them, taking a nap, while Mahdi and Magnus chatter enthusiastically behind them and Isak is resting his head on Even’s shoulder, playing absently with their fingers.

“You know what tomorrow is?” Isak asks quietly when they’re about halfway there.

Even’s heart immediately speeds up at his words. Neither of them have mentioned it so far but it’s been on Even’s mind for days. “It’s six months since our first kiss,” he replies, voice low so the others won’t hear. As if he could ever forget it.

He can feel Isak smile against his shoulder and his own mouth lifts in response.

“Six months since you made me break into a house, you mean.”

Even huffs a quiet laugh, breath ruffling Isak’s curls, and he lifts an arm to tuck Isak under it. “That was the most romantic gesture of all time, don’t lie.”

And he can’t see Isak’s face but he can just _tell_ he’s rolling his eyes.

But-

“It was a little romantic,” he admits after a moment, face still hidden against Even’s shoulder.

“You were swooning,” Even grins.

“Whatever you say, Romeo,” Isak says with a scoff.

Even secretly cheers at the little reference before kissing the top of Isak’s head. “Think we’ll get a chance to sneak away for a few minutes tomorrow to relive it?”

“I’m not kissing you in a dirty, freezing cold lake,” Isak warns him. “But yeah. I think some thinly veiled threats should do the trick.”

Even barks out a surprised laugh, squeezing Isak closer. “Babe, we don’t need to maim our friends to keep them away from our room.”

“Just the threat of maiming,” Isak assures him, acting in complete contrast to his admittedly violent words by snuggling closer to Even and curling into him like a cat. “Let’s nap until we get there.”

And with an offer like that, Even can hardly refuse.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnnnnnnd who's ready for the cabin ~~episode~~ chapter?!?!?!?!? I think you'll like what's to come in the next update ;)
> 
> as per usual, I'm over at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) if you're looking for me :') and the fic post for this chapter is [here](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/post/163490602617/cut-and-rewind-chapter-3)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mm, it’s still early,” Isak replies after drawing the kiss out for too long. “I think we’ve got time.”
> 
> Even grins and slides their mouths together again, running his hands down Isak’s bare back until he reaches the waistband of his briefs. No sooner has he pulled Isak down to connect their hips and their bedroom door is banging open.
> 
> “Isak, are you- Sorry!”
> 
> “ _Jonas!_ ” Isak screeches, rolling off Even in a swift movement and landing with a bounce beside him on the mattress. Even lies there frozen, not quite processing what just happened.
> 
> “Karma’s a bitch!” Jonas calls from the hallway and Isak glares at the door like he can set Jonas on fire through the wood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME TO THE CABIN ~~EPISODE~~ CHAPTER!!!!!!!
> 
> Consider this the equivalent of the season 2 Easter special in terms of fun and fluff!!!! let's take a break from all the impending angst and enjoy some cabin shenanigans before everything goes to hell in the next chapter, shall we??? 
> 
> sakjdhkfjsh enjoy, my loves!!! <3

**Lørdag 9:48**

It’s kind of a longstanding tradition at this point that Even and Isak spend a little bit too much time lazily making out in bed every morning. A tradition that can very often get them in trouble when they’re on a deadline. But today they’re at a cabin with the boys in the middle of nowhere and they have all the time in the world.

Until Tuesday, at least.

“Kissing you is my favourite part of the day,” Isak sighs in between tingling brushes of lips.

Even hums against his mouth, threading his fingers through Isak’s hair and inching ever closer. “You’re my favourite part of the day.”

Isak grins into his mouth and Even revels in it, revels in being able to feel just how happy he can make Isak. Their kisses break off for a minute then, mostly because Even finds himself smiling too wide for their lips to connect properly but Isak doesn’t seem to mind, giggling into the space between their mouths and hooking a leg over Even’s hip.

“How long before you think the guys’ll be awake?” Even mumbles, half his sentence getting lost in another languorous kiss as he slowly shifts onto his back, pulling Isak on top of him.

“Mm, it’s still early,” Isak replies after drawing the kiss out for too long. “I think we’ve got time.”

Even grins and slides their mouths together again, running his hands down Isak’s bare back until he reaches the waistband of his briefs. No sooner has he pulled Isak down to connect their hips and their bedroom door is banging open.

“Isak, are you- Sorry!”

“ _Jonas!”_ Isak screeches, rolling off Even in a swift movement and landing with a bounce beside him on the mattress. Even lies there frozen, not quite processing what just happened.

“Karma’s a bitch!” Jonas calls from the hallway and Isak glares at the door like he can set Jonas on fire through the wood.

Even huffs a laugh when he comes back to himself and sits up against the headboard, pulling the duvet up to cover their waists. And once he’s sure they’re decent, he calls, “You can come in, Jonas!”

“Don’t let that _traitor_ in here,” Isak hisses, flopping down on top of Even’s chest to hide his flaming cheeks.

Their door opens again – more gently this time – and Jonas steps through with a shit-eating grin, having no problem with taking up residence at the foot of their bed. Isak peeks his head up long enough to scowl at him before heaving a long-suffering sigh and resituating himself against Even’s side. Even really isn’t complaining.

“Okay, does someone wanna tell me how Jonas walking in on us is somehow karmic retribution?” Even asks, looking between Jonas’ cheerful expression and Isak’s mutinous glare.

Jonas’ grin, if possible, _widens_ and he looks at Even. “The last time me, Isak and Eva went to a cabin he walked in on us in a- _compromising_ position. I’m just giving him a taste of his own medicine.”

“Can we stop reminding my boyfriend how I had to third wheel you and Eva for literal months in first year, please?” Isak snarks, hand absently trailing over Even’s stomach as if reminding himself he does, in fact, have a boyfriend now. He’s hopelessly endearing.

“But baby, look at you now!” Even insists, squeezing Isak’s shoulder. “You’re in bed with your boyfriend and Jonas is alone!”

Isak laughs while Jonas fixes him with a deadpan look. “Thanks, man.”

Even shrugs apologetically, nodding down at Isak by way of explanation.

Jonas, who probably indulges Isak almost as much as Even does, just gives him an exasperated nod in understanding.

“Are the others up?” Isak asks after a moment.

“Mahdi’s in the shower,” Jonas tells them. “Not sure about Magnus.”

Isak nods, pushing himself up on his elbow long enough to reach across Even for his phone on the bedside table. He checks the time before dropping it onto the mattress and settling back into Even’s side, seemingly happy to lounge in bed for a little while longer.

“So Even,” Jonas says then, directing his most charming smile at Even. “Uh, remember those pancakes you made us that time we all crashed at kollektivet when we had super bad hangovers…?”

Even smirks. Literally none of these boys are subtle. About anything. Ever. “What about them?”

“I was just thinking they sounded pretty good for breakfast, you know.”

“Oh my _god_ , did you really prevent me from getting laid just so you could try and coerce my boyfriend into making you breakfast?” Isak’s voice is dryer than the Sahara desert and Even can’t really see his face from here but he can imagine the unimpressed look he’s wearing.

“I’m hungry!” Jonas defends himself. “And they were really good!”

“That could’ve just been your hangover talking,” Even intones.

“It’s not,” Jonas says assuredly. “Isak raves about your cooking all the time.”

Even makes a point to seek out Isak’s gaze this time, catching the way his cheeks turn a delightful shade of pink as he avoids eye contact. When he can’t seem to handle Even staring at him any longer he reluctantly raises his head.

“You know I love your cooking, don’t make me say it,” he grumbles and Even just _has_ to kiss him. Twice – maybe three times – on the cheek.

“Yeah, yeah. Even’s a great cook, you love him,” Jonas mimics, rolling his eyes with more fondness than he probably intends. “Will you make us pancakes? Please?”

Feeling happiness fill up his veins inside, he nods. “Go wake, Magnus. We’ll meet you down in the kitchen.”

Jonas eyes him like he knows exactly what Even’s plan is but gets up nonetheless and slips out the door, closing it behind himself.

Even will make them pancakes. He just needs to kiss Isak a little bit more first.

* * *

**Lørdag 21:21**

About half an hour before the clock reaches 21:21 Isak gets up from where he’d been leaning against Even on the couch, claiming he needs to go to the bathroom. And Even knows Isak would never actually miss out on the moment, especially since they’d only been talking about it yesterday, but it’s 21:01 and he’s still not back.

The other boys don’t seem the least bit concerned and Even supposes they wouldn’t – they don’t know what 21:21 means. They’re also probably too high to notice Isak is taking so long.

They’ve been lazing about since dinner – well, they’ve been lazing about all day, really – and when Jonas had pulled a couple of joints from his pocket as some after-dinner treat Even had tensed up. The only time he’s smoked since December was when he and Isak put the 10% Sana had given him for Christmas to good use. When Isak had promised not to smoke if Even didn’t he couldn’t exactly refuse, especially when he knew he wasn’t supposed to be doing it in the first place. So he’d expected Isak to talk him out of it tonight, to remind him he wasn’t supposed to be smoking, the way Sonja always used to.

But when he’d looked to Isak the other boy didn’t even seem surprised which meant he must’ve known Jonas was bringing it. Even still, Even had braced himself when he’d caught Isak’s eye but Isak had just raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

“Do we have to have a fight about this?” Even had asked under his breath, careful to ensure the boys couldn’t hear them.

Isak had frowned, seemingly more out of confusion than anything else. “Even, you can do what you want. You’re an adult.”

“But-“

“Baby, indulging every once in a while won’t kill you,” Isak had said lowly. “You know yourself better than I do, it’s up to you.”

Even had kissed him fiercely then, adding this to his never-ending list of reasons why Isak is the world’s best boyfriend. In the end though, he’d only taken a few drags, wanting to be alert for when 21:21 rolled around.

Speaking of, where the fuck was Isak?

Even is just about to say _fuck it_ and go searching for him – he can’t have gone that far, there are only like, five rooms – when Isak appears in the living room doorway again at 21:11, expression somewhere between anxious and excited.

“Even,” he calls lightly. “Can I borrow you for a few minutes?”

Surprisingly, there are no catcalls from the guys. However he does catch them all sharing a knowing look, meaning they probably, definitely know what Isak has been planning. Their lack of concern over Isak apparently being in the bathroom for twenty minutes is starting to make a bit more sense.

When he reaches the doorway Isak tangles their fingers together and leads them down the hall, stopping outside the bathroom. He turns to Even then and there’s a nervous smile on his face as he hesitantly pushes the door open.

The sight that greets him is…it leaves Even speechless.

There are candles set up on all available flat surfaces, bathing the room in a soft warmth, and the bathtub is filled to the brim with bubbles twinkling in the orange light.

Isak’s voice cuts through his awe. “I know it’s not as big as a pool but…” he trails off and Even turns to him, mouth dropped open in shock.

Isak meets his gaze with a tentative smile curving his lips and Even just- he has to kiss him.

He hooks his fingers in Isak’s shirt and drags him forward, crushing their lips together in a thrilling kiss. Isak responds immediately, relaxing into Even’s hold and going pliant against him. It’s right around the time Isak wraps his arms around his neck that Even manages to detach their lips, forehead leaning heavily against Isak’s and whispering, “I love you.”

Isak bumps their noses together and leans back, raising his eyebrows mischievously. “I feel like going for a swim, don’t you?”

Even lets out a laugh, stepping back out of Isak’s arms so they can get undressed. And he takes a moment to appreciate how different things are now from the first night. How Isak had more than likely pushed him into the pool because the thought of getting undressed in front of one another was a step too big in that moment. Now, it’s comfortable. It’s something they’ve done hundreds of times and all Isak does when he catches Even looking is offer him a cheeky grin as he shimmies exaggeratedly out of his sweatpants.

There’s a sureness in their movements now but Even is thrilled to find that the giddy anticipation is still there under the surface.

Even climbs into the bath first, sinking into the warm water with a contented sigh, feeling any and all tension seep out of his bones. Isak climbs in after him and it requires a bit of manoeuvring but he manages to eventually settle between Even’s legs, back leaning against his chest.

Even lets his fingers trail up over Isak’s arm once they’re still, relishing in the way Isak shivers against him a little at the contact. “I love your romantic side,” Even murmurs right by Isak’s ear, kissing the side of his head.

Isak hums and Even can tell his eyes are closed as he melts just that bit more into Even’s embrace. “I’m the master of romance, you know.”

Even breathes out a soft laugh, pressing his smile into Isak’s hair. “I know.”

“Can you believe it’s been six months?” Isak asks after a moment, lifting his hand out of the water to fit it over Even’s and lock their fingers into place.

“Yes,” Even says. “I knew I’d never let you go if I ever got to kiss you.”

Isak cranes his neck to meet his eyes, smile too serene to be as amused as he probably means it to be.

“I still can’t believe you wanted to kiss me in the first place,” Isak mumbles, huffing out a laugh and curling his shoulders up against the onslaught of kisses Even unleashes over his cheek and neck.

“I always want to kiss you,” Even tells him.

Isak is about to reply when his phone beeps with a notification from where it’s sitting on the sink.

“Text?” Even asks and Isak shakes his head, making the water slosh as he turns himself over so they’re pressed chest to chest.

There’s hardly an inch of space between them and Even can feel Isak exhale against his mouth when he murmurs, “21:21.”

And that’s all he has to say before they’re falling into each other, lips parting and closing around one another as they get lost in a kiss, faces and hands wet, water rippling around them, and when Even closes his eyes it’s almost like they’re back there.

Kissing for the first time and utterly overwhelmed.

It’s less frantic now, less urgent and more practiced. Their lips meet like they have a thousand times before, moving against each other in tandem and seeking out the little hum of pleasure they always manage to elicit from one another. Passing silent “I love you”s to each other through quickened breaths and too-soft brushes of lips.

And in this minute, they kiss.

* * *

**Sondag: 15:32**

They’re all sprawled out in the living room like they have been since thy arrived, talking about nothing in particular when Magnus finally seems to have decided he’s run out of patience and that he’s waited long enough.

“So Even,” he starts and Even quirks an eyebrow in amusement.

“Yeah, Mags?”

“Isak told us what he was planning last night for your anniversary thing but he never actually told us your first kiss story.”

Isak scoffs beside him. “And?”

“And I wanna know,” Magnus shoots back grumpily.

Even barks out a laugh but when he goes quiet again he finds Jonas and Mahdi looking at him expectantly too. “What, you _all_ want to know?”

“Who the hell remembers the exact time of their first kiss?” Jonas demands derisively. “You’d only remember that if it was something epic.”

“Well technically our first kiss wasn’t at 21:21,” Even points out. “That was just when we left Isak’s place.”

“Whatever,” Mahdi says, waving a hand. “The fact that Isak went to the effort of actually doing something means it was important. We all know he’s lazy as fuck.”

Isak lets out an indignant, “Hey!” and tucks himself more securely into Even’s side like it’ll protect him from his friends’ teasing.

Even looks to him, silently asking how Isak wants to play this before Isak throws up his hands in defeat and huffs out a long-suffering sigh. “Tell them if you want, I don’t care.”

Even delights a little in being able to share the story, wrapping an arm around Isak’s shoulders and opening his mouth to begin. “So uh, I guess it starts off a bit awkward,” he admits sheepishly.

“I’d just kind of had a fight with Sonja and she and Emma went into the bathroom. I asked Isak what time it was and when he said 21:21 I just- We left.”

“You ditched your dates?” Magnus asks incredulously. “Fy faen.”

“It wasn’t our finest moment,” Even allows. He really does feel guilty about that part. Even if it’d been the last thing on his mind that night. “But it didn’t- nothing else really mattered in that moment. We were supposed to be alone that night anyway, the girls invited themselves along.”

He catches Jonas’ smirk out of the corner of his eye but refuses to blush.

“So we took off on my bike and just cycled around for a while and it was like- the _best_ feeling because Isak was finally right there, joking around with me and holding onto me. And that same comfort I felt the last time we’d hung out on our own was still there despite the fact we’d almost kissed the week before.”

“Wait. _What?”_ Mahdi demands, shooting up from where he’d been lying on the floor. The other two are staring at them in utter shock as well when he chances a glance at them. Isak clearly never told them _that_ particular story.

“Noora interrupted us before we could,” Isak adds grudgingly.

The boys take a second to digest that and then Magnus is waving a hand impatiently. “Okay, keep going.”

Even bites back a laugh and continues. “We went past this house I recognised. It was someone I went to school with before. I don’t even remember their last name but I remembered they had a pool.”

He feels himself grin when he’s met with three disbelieving expressions. “Fast forward a few minutes and Isak’s pushing me in the pool fully clothed because I insulted his hair.”

“Oh fuck off,” Isak scoffs. “You deserved it. And I fell in with you.”

“Anyway,” Even says around a laugh. “We had this dumb competition to see who could hold their breath under water the longest and- while we were under, I kissed him.”

The boys seem to be collectively holding their breath now – which, ironic – and Even can feel Isak’s smile where it’s pressed against his shoulder.

“We surfaced and I obviously won since Isak came back up first but he kept insisting that I cheated. So we went under again. And then _he_ kissed _me_.”

Even takes a second to look from one face to another. Magnus practically has hearts coming out of his eyes where he lies on the floor with his chin in his hands. Jonas looks oddly proud, probably at Isak making the first move the second time around. Mahdi is nodding approvingly, a wide grin stretching across his face.

“And then we got caught by a little girl who’s probably now scarred for life,” Isak cuts in, giving Even an exasperated – _affectionate_ – look. “He made me commit fucking breaking and entering and almost gave me pneumonia just so he could recreate a movie kiss.”

“No offence, dude,” Mahdi says. “But that kiss kind of sounds worth all that.”

Isak maintains his serious expression for about half a second before it melts into a smile and he meets Even’s gaze. And Even’s heart _still_ races whenever he does that.

“It was,” Isak whispers.

Even leans in to kiss him amid a chorus of groans but he knows they’re all good-natured. Besides, they asked in the first place. Did they really expect Even to get through the story of their first kiss _without_ kissing Isak?

It turns into some kind of competition after that, where they try to outdo each other with first kiss stories until Isak declares none of them can beat his and Even’s first kiss and, well, no one really disagrees with that.

And Even can’t remember the last time he felt this relaxed. Joking around with his boyfriend and his friends, with no responsibilities and expectations, just them getting to hide out in a space outside of time for a couple of days.

It’s exactly what he’s needed after the last few weeks.

* * *

**Mandag 2:31**

Even is tiptoeing through the cabin, intending on getting a glass of water and then returning to Isak, when he spots a light on in the living room. Pushing the door open slowly so it won’t creak, he catches sight of Magnus sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees, turning his phone over in his hands.

“You okay?” Even asks, voice quiet so he doesn’t startle him.

Magnus must’ve heard him moving around the cabin though because he doesn’t react to Even’s words, just looks up at him and offers him a tired smile. “Yeah, man. I’m good.”

“Can’t sleep?” Even asks then, stepping into the room and slipping the door closed behind him. He pads over to the couch and sits beside Magnus who shakes his head at the question.

“I was talking to Vilde,” he says by way of an answer.

Even nods and doesn’t say anything for a moment, taking a sip of his water.

“I think something’s wrong,” Magnus admits quietly. “I don’t know if she wants to be with me anymore.”

Even frowns. “Why do you say that?”

Magnus shrugs, looking from his phone to the empty fireplace. “Nah, I don’t know. I just feel like there’s something she’s not telling me.”

The words give Even a pause. That sounds uncomfortably familiar.

“We- Vilde’s had a really hard time with a lot of things, you know,” Magnus continues. “And she talks to me about it; I think it really helps her actually. But I feel like she’s still leaving something out.”

Guilt settles in Even’s gut. Magnus might as well be Isak in this situation. How many times has Isak probably had this exact conversation with Jonas or Eskild? But he decides to push the thought away for now. He can deal with his own turmoil later. He needs to focus on Magnus.

“Do you- why does that make you think she doesn’t want to be with you though?”

Magnus shrugs again, face scrunching up in confusion. “It’s not the fact she’s keeping secrets, it’s the fact that the secret she’s keeping seems to be related to our relationship somehow? Does that make sense?”

Even nods mutely.

“I don’t know,” Magnus says, blowing out a breath. “I know she loves me – I don’t doubt that part – I just don’t know if it’s the kind of love she’s saying it is.”

“Are you going to talk to her about it?” Even asks tentatively, watching the rueful smile that appears on Magnus’ face.

“Maybe. Whatever it is, I don’t think she’s really ready to confront it so I might wait for her to bring it up.”

“And you’d- you’d be okay with that? Staying with her when she might not want to be with you anymore?” Even keeps his voice careful, maintaining as neutral a tone as he possibly can.

“I love her,” Magnus says like that’s a good enough answer. Even supposes it is. “And I’m gonna be here as long as she needs me. Whatever she’s stressing about, I don’t want her to deal with it on her own.”

“You sound like a really good boyfriend,” Even mumbles after a moment, bumping his shoulder with Magnus’ in a show of silent support. Magnus really will never cease to amaze him with the amount of compassion he holds in his body.

Magnus huffs a laugh. “What the fuck, I’m the best. I could teach Isak a trick or two.”

Even grins, shaking his head. “He’s pretty good too.”

They fall silent after that and Even is reminded once again how much he values Magnus as a friend. More than any of the guys, Magnus is probably who he’s grown closest to with Magnus’ history with his mother making it a lot easier for them to connect. Because for all that Magnus is loud and effervescent, he knows exactly when to be quiet. He never asks anything of Even, never assumes, and Even is endlessly grateful for him.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping from Isak,” he confesses after a few minutes, voice caught in his throat and expression doing nothing to hide his anxiety when he meets Magnus’ unassuming gaze.

“About your bipolar?” Magnus guesses and Even nods.

“About stuff that happened in my old school,” Even whispers.

“Has Isak asked?”

“Yeah,” he breathes. “I told him the basics but I couldn’t- he doesn’t know what really happened.”

“You know you don’t actually have to tell him?” Magnus says after a moment.

“Yeah but-“ Even flounders for a response before eventually hanging his head and muttering, “He deserves to know.”

“Even,” Magnus says cautiously. “If you’re going to tell him it should be because you want to or because you think this thing is acting like a barrier between you. Not because you think you owe it to him. Your past is yours, man.”

“I do want to tell him,” Even replies because if he decides to linger on the unwavering support in Magnus’ speech he’ll probably start crying. “I just don’t fucking know how. Every time I think I’m ready I clam up like I’m about to have a panic attack.

“I just don’t want him to look at me differently,” he mumbles, closing his eyes.

“Okay bro, look at me.”

Even raises his head obediently after a moment, finding Magnus staring at him with a frank expression.

“I know Isak freaked out when he first found out you were bipolar but that was because he was confused and your ex told him you couldn’t possibly be in love with him because you’d been manic the entire time.”

Even winces at that – he’d been informed of that conversation.

“You know what I told him?” Magnus says. “I told him to ask you how you feel. And he _does_ , man. He does it all the time. I see it. You have no idea what a grumpy fuck Isak was before you. He never talked about anything that was going on with him; he was always so closed off but- I’ve never seen anyone care about someone the way he cares about you.”

Even feels tears stinging his eyes and it takes everything in him not to let them fall. Sometimes the others tell him stories about Isak before Even knew him; they’re always good-natured jokes but Even can’t see it. To him, Isak’s always been nothing but soft and filled to the brim with love. That’s all he ever saw.

“I swear to god, whatever you tell him won’t change anything. He’s so fucking in love with you.”

Even huffs out a watery laugh, wiping at his eyes. “I’m really fucking in love with him too.”

“Good,” Magnus replies, nodding in satisfaction. “That means everything’s gonna be fine.”

Even bumps his shoulder again in thanks. “Everything will be fine between you and Vilde too, y’know?”

Magnus smiles. “I know. But we won’t fix anything tonight so let’s get some sleep, yeah?”

They amble down the hallway together, disappearing into their respective rooms with a whispered, “Good night.”

When Even returns to his room he can make out Isak’s silhouette in the dark, nothing more than a lump of covers, but it still makes his heart thrum in his chest. He crawls into bed as carefully as he can, not wanting to wake Isak as he curls up around his back, drawing the duvet over them again.

“Mm you okay?” Isak slurs sleepily, fitting his arm over Even’s and pulling it tighter around his middle.

“Yeah,” Even whispers, kissing the hinge of his jaw. “Go back to sleep.”

“Love you,” Isak mumbles.

Listening to Isak’s breathing even out again almost immediately, Even smiles.

“Love you too.”

* * *

**Mandag 12:02**

“Baby, smile!” Even requests cheerfully. “You’re supposed to look like you love me.”

Isak barks out a laugh, turning into Even and burying his face in the crook of Even’s neck. “Why do you always have to film from the worst angles and at the worst times?”

“I’m documenting our _love_ , Isak,” he says, mock affronted, before grinning and coaxing Isak out of his hiding spot in Even’s neck. “Besides. You have no bad angles.”

Isak huffs but obligingly lies side by side with him on the bed again, shoulder overlapping with Even’s.

“One last smile and I’ll put it away,” he promises. He’s been recording Isak and taking pictures for well over twenty minutes – that should give him plenty of material to work with. Isak’s birthday isn’t for another month and a half anyway; he’s got time.

Isak bites back a smile as they look into their reflection on Even’s phone and Even watches his own smirk grow as he feels around for one of their used tissues from this morning and slowly raises it to Isak’s face.

Isak squawks as soon as it comes into view, smacking his hand away, and then Even’s laughing too hard to continue filming properly.

“You’re such an asshole,” Isak complains but he’s still laughing so Even counts it as a win. “I’m gonna shower and wash your grossness off me.”

“Love you!” Even calls, snickering when Isak throws him his middle finger as he strides out the door. He spends the few minutes Isak is in the shower looking through the photos and videos on his phone, feeling his heart melt a little at how stupidly happy they look. When he lands on one picture in particular – the two of them caught mid-laugh and blurry around the edges – he can’t help deciding to have a little bit of fun. It’s Isak’s own fault for telling him his Instagram password.

Isak is none the wiser until over half an hour later when Even’s showered too and they’ve finished packing. They amble into the kitchen ready to have lunch before they head back home and find the boys all already sitting around the table, greeting them with Cheshire cat grins. Even feels his own mouth start to twitch and makes a valiant effort to hide it.

“So,” Jonas says after a lengthy pause. “Was it before or after?”

Magnus and Mahdi cracks up, practically falling over the table to hide their laughter and he can feel Isak’s confusion growing beside him.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Your Instagram, dude,” Magnus cackles.

It’s slightly alarming how quickly Isak’s accusatory glare lands on him but then again he _is_ the obvious culprit. Isak fishes his phone out of his pocket in record time and Even watches as he opens the app and waits for it to load. Isak clicks into his profile and stills completely when the picture loads.

There’s a split-second of still and then Isak is rounding on him and shoving his shoulder. “Even!” he exclaims, flush high on his cheeks and looking like he wants to smile but is desperately trying not to.

“What?” he asks innocently.

“You’re the worst,” Isak groans, hastily typing out a comment to inform the world that _that was Even, not him_.

The boys are still laughing by the time he’s pocketed his phone again and Isak scowls at them for about half a second before he lets himself laugh too. “Fucking hell. Whatever. Even, you’re making lunch just for that.”

“Worth it,” Even says, darting in to kiss Isak’s cheek and turning to the fridge.

* * *

**Mandag 19:47**

**Gutta <3**

**Magnus:** _BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS_

_The cabin was so much fun_

_We need to do that again_

_Fy faen we should like rent one during the summer_

_Head up there for two weeks or something_

_It’d be sick_

**Even:** _Definitely <3_

**Mahdi:** _it was pretty awesome, I’d be down for going again :D_

**Jonas:** _sounds good to me_

_We could go after school’s finished_

_Celebrate Issy K’s birthday in style ;)_

**Isak:** _I won’t protest to you all spoiling me_

**Jonas:** _of course you wouldn’t_

**Even:** _uh we can go to the cabin AFTER I carry out my birthday surprise plans_

**Isak:** you already have plans??????????????

**Even:** _not telling ;)_

**Isak:** _boys_

_Do you know?????_

_What plans??????????_

**Even:** _love you <3_

**Magnus:** _aw love you too, Even :’) <333333_

**Mahdi:** _love you!!!! <3_

**Jonas:** _wow Even I’m flattered! Love you too, bro <3_

**Isak:** _you all suck_

_Love you, bby <3_

**Even:** _< 3 <3 <3 <3_

_(a heart for each of you)_

**Magnus:** _< 3333333333333_

* * *

**Tirsdag 15:45**

Even never really envisioned grocery shopping to be one of his after-school activities but here he and Isak are, pushing a cart between them through the fruit and vegetable section.

When they’d gotten back to the flat last night they’d realised there was literally no food in their kitchen since they didn’t get to do their shop on Saturdays like they normally would so they’d agreed to meet after school and head straight to the supermarket before they did anything else.

There’s no way in hell they could afford takeout for multiple nights in a row on their budget.

“Do we need peppers?” Even asks idly, searching through the notes on his phone to try and find the grocery list he’d made last week.

“No offence, baby, but you probably know the answer to that better than I do.”

Even looks up from his phone and rolls his eyes, shaking his head fondly at the way Isak is leaning on the cart and scrolling through his own phone, completely oblivious to the shoppers around him.

“I’m gonna get them just in case.”

“Only green and red though,” Isak says quickly. “I don’t like yellow.”

“You don’t like yellow?” Even asks dramatically. “Baby, what about our curtains?”

Isak raises his eyebrows at him, letting out a put-upon sigh. “I’m sure the Isak in the yellow curtains universe doesn’t like red peppers.”

“Yeah, well I like yellow, so I’ll eat that one. It’s cheaper to get a pack of three.”

After dropping a pack in the cart they move on. And Even didn’t know it was possible to enjoy grocery shopping so much until he started doing it with Isak. But somehow bickering about what brand of bread to get and surreptitiously sneaking treats for one another in with their shopping somehow translates to having fun.

He thinks it might be the simplicity of it. The domesticity and feeling of being settled that it evokes in the pit of his stomach. Or maybe it’s just the fact that it’s with Isak. And everything feels fun or like an adventure when Isak is there.

Even thinks if he ever did make a real movie about them it’d probably just be two hours of them cleaning their flat, lying in bed and doing grocery shopping. It sounds like heaven to him, honestly.

It’s not until they arrive at the checkout that Even realises he hasn’t really thought of all the worry that’s been plaguing him in days save for his late night conversation with Magnus. It makes him feel a little bit lighter. It makes him feel like this is going to be a good week.

It makes him feel like he might actually be brave enough to tell Isak soon.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it might seem strange cutting the week at Tuesday and I'm sorry I didn't include one of Even's sessions in this chapter (since you all seem to be enjoying those and i love you for that) but I really did want the bulk of this chapter to be the cabin trip and to be pain free!!! either way, i hope you liked it <3
> 
> as always, i'm at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) if you're looking for me!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to tell Isak about what happened at Elvebakken,” is the first thing he says as soon as they’ve exchanged pleasantries.
> 
> Margo is probably surprised but too much time spent in this business stops her from outwardly reacting.
> 
> “Can I ask why now?”
> 
> “It’s getting too hard to keep it from him,” he replies. “And things from my past keep somehow coming up and I just- I can’t do it anymore. I want to tell him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i'm officially throwing canon out the window!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> if you haven't read my previous author's notes then please note this is the turning point in the fic where i will be diverging from the second half of season 4. general events like eva's birthday, for example, will remain the same but the plot changes slightly in this chapter and the way the rest of the story plays out reflects that. hopefully it will still give you the closure you're looking for though!!!!
> 
> blame [daf](https://hxrryspotter.tumblr.com/) for the conversation in the first scene it's all her fault askdjfhdsjkh also please be warned that there is a detailed description of a panic attack in this chapter plus some discussions of even's season 3 episode.
> 
> finally, i really hope you enjoy it <3

**Sondag 14:32**

Even finishes his Sunday morning shift – his penance for getting Anders to cover his Saturday the week before – by shrugging his apron over his head and making his way to Isak’s usual table. Vilde and Magnus are sitting opposite him today and judging by the look on Isak’s face, he could do with some rescuing.

Even slides smoothly into the empty seat beside him with a, “Halla!” for Vilde and Magnus and a kiss for Isak. He sets down his tea and settles an arm on the back of Isak’s chair, looking expectantly around the table. “What’s up?”

“Even! How nice of you to join us,” Vilde gushes. “How are you?”

Even feels himself smile, Vilde’s animated nature too infectious not to. “I’m good, Vilde. How are you?”

“Wonderful,” she tells him before her eyes suddenly widen like she’s just remembered something. “Oh I’m so happy you’re both here, I just remembered I wanted to pick your brains about something! Did Magnus tell you we were thinking of trying anal sex?”

Isak chokes on his coffee. He slams the cup down on the table, clutching his chest and spluttering like he’s about to cough up a lung. Even pats his back a couple of times until he’s calmed down. (If it buys him a few seconds before he has to process Vilde’s words then no one needs to know.)

“No, Vilde. Magnus didn’t mention that,” Isak gasps out, voice raw and weary, and Even makes a valiant effort not to laugh.

Vilde looks no less deterred. “Yes, well, we’ve been discussing it but we thought it’d be best to ask the experts, you know.”

Isak is officially the colour of a tomato beside him and Even quickly masks the little laugh that bubbles out of him with a cough. He looks to Magnus then – who doesn’t have an embarrassed bone in his body and is mostly looking at Vilde in some odd combination of bemusement and adoration.

And then Even’s mind goes back to the conversation in the cabin and he thinks about what Magnus had said. He starts to wonder if Vilde’s question is just her usual lack of tact or if she’s perhaps trying to overcompensate for something.

Choosing his words carefully, Even offers her a diplomatic answer – mostly in the hopes of putting his own boyfriend out of his misery. “Vilde, sex is a deeply personal experience to have with your partner. As long as you’re safe, comfortable and informed then you can choose to experiment however you want.”

“You should ask Dr. Skrulle,” is Isak’s choked out contribution. “I’m sure she’d help.”

Vilde must be somewhat satisfied with that answer because she doesn’t interrupt when Isak hastily changes the conversation to what parties are happening this week.

“I think our bus is going to a karaoke party on Friday night!” Vilde offers. “It’s meant to be _so much_ fun.”

As soon as Isak pulls a face, Even knows they won’t be going. Isak can pretend all he wants but he’s definitely the most anti-social out of all of them. “That sounds fun,” Isak lies and Even bites back a smirk. “Anything else?”

“You two still haven’t had your housewarming party,” Magnus reminds them with mischievous grin.

“Mags, our earlier argument still stands,” Even laughs. “Our apartment is tiny.”

“Then we’ll have it somewhere else!” Magnus shoots back flippantly, clearly not intending to back down any time soon. His suggestion kind of defeats the purpose of a housewarming party but Even elects not to point that out.

“We should celebrate you two moving in together! That’s a big deal.”

And Magnus might just be trying to find an excuse for them to have a party but Even is still a little touched at the sentiment.

As if reading Even’s mind, Isak snorts. “You just want to get drunk in our honour.”

“As I should!” Magnus declares, holding up his coffee cup to clink it with Isak’s, who rolls his eyes but still obliges.

“We’ll think about it, Mags,” Even assures him, more in an effort to placate Magnus than anything else.

Karaoke can’t be that bad anyway, right?

*

**Tirsdag 18:57**

“Thinking about it” apparently means getting the rest of their friends get involved because when Even gets home from his shift on Tuesday he finds Eskild sitting at the table in their room with Isak.

“Even!” Eskild greets enthusiastically. “Come sit, I was just telling Isak our plans.”

Even raises an eyebrow, chucking his bag on the bed and perching on Isak’s lap since both available seats are taken. Isak’s arms come around him and Even cranes his neck back long enough to kiss him hello before turning back to Eskild. “What plans?”

“We’re having a housewarming party for you at the kollektiv,” Eskild announces, clapping his hands together happily.

“Eskild,” Isak deadpans. “I moved out of kollektivet, that makes no sense.”

Eskild tuts. “Fine, so it’s a farewell party for you and a housewarming for Noora. Is that better?”

Even feels Isak’s eyes on him and they share a look. Honestly, a party at kollektivet in a comfortable environment with friends and people he knows sounds far more appealing than a karaoke bar with a bunch of strangers.

“When your friends came to me, I had to intervene,” Eskild continues beseechingly when neither of them immediately protest. “We should celebrate! You’ve already been living together for a month! This is a big deal.”

Unlike Magnus’ clear desire to have an excuse to get drunk, Even actually almost believes the sincerity on Eskild’s face.

“Alright, we’re in,” he agrees finally, feeling Isak thunk his head down on Even’s shoulder in resignation.

“You know this is no excuse to tell embarrassing stories like you’re my drunk father at my wedding, right?” Isak says to Eskild and Even has to bite back a laugh at the specific albeit accurate description of Isak and Eskild’s relationship.

“Oh stop fussing, Isak,” Eskild says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’ll be embarrassing Noora just as much as I will you.”

“Wait, have the girls even agreed to come?” Even asks, suddenly reminded of how they even heard about karaoke in the first place. “Aren’t they going out on Friday night?”

“No,” Eskild sighs dramatically. “Karaoke is cancelled.”

Even’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Why?”

“ _Apparently_ ,” Eskild drawls, “they found out Sara was a backstabbing bitch who planned to fuck them over so now they’re not on a bus together anymore.”

Isak snorts where he sits behind Even. “I could’ve told them that.”

“Why didn’t you?” Eskild asks wearily. “You would’ve saved me listening to this mess for the past three weeks.”

Isak lifts his hands from Even’s stomach long enough to hold them up in surrender before letting them settle around his middle again. “Sorry, I swore off bus drama after Sara and I broke up.”

Even smirks. Isak hadn’t told him much about his brief tryst with Sara Nørrstelien in first year but Even had to admit he delighted a little bit in the moment when Sara sent Isak a screenshot of Isak’s Instagram post where Even was kissing his cheek preceded by a series of question marks. All while Isak had been sitting in Even’s living room with Even’s parents, wrapped up in Even’s arms, sharing dessert and watching a movie.

Isak had left her on read and Even had never felt more vindicated over a situation involving a person he’s never met before.

“Anyway,” Eskild says, redirecting their focus. “The point is, the girls need a party to get their mind off things and we still need to celebrate you two lovebirds moving in together so it’s the perfect opportunity!”

“We’ll be there, Eskild,” Even promises, smiling at the elated grin that overtakes Eskild’s face.

“Fantastic. Now that that’s out of the way, I can tell you about the exciting weekend I had.”

Even feels Isak shake in silent laughter beneath him as Eskild gets comfortable in his seat, clearly settling in to tell a Story. Eskild’s antics are always outlandish; this should be good.

“So, there I was on Saturday morning, in my robe – you know my robe, yes? The silk one? – on my way to the kitchen for a hangover cure when I find an _angel_ on my couch.”

Even raises his eyebrows. Only Eskild could bring a boy home without having any recollection of actually taking said boy home.

“It turns out Sana’s brother had been drinking and they couldn’t let him go home, you see. So Noora brought him to ours but you should’ve seen him. Beautiful. Even hungover and on the verge of puking.” Eskild sighs dreamily but Even barely registers it.

There’s water rushing in his ears and Isak _has_ to notice the way Even’s suddenly frozen on top of him. He doesn’t say anything though – he won’t while Eskild is here – instead he just rubs his hand over Even’s stomach in soothing circles. But even his touch isn’t enough to make Even return to himself and relax completely. He spares the briefest thought for Elias’ wellbeing. Elias doesn’t drink – never has – and Even absently wonders what caused him to that night. But the thought is fleeting amid the panic consuming his mind.

He’s checked out for the rest of the conversation, only half-heartedly replying when prompted, and he breathes a silent sigh of relief when Eskild finally takes his leave. That relief is short-lived when Isak returns to the bedroom after seeing Eskild to the door and appraises Even like he can see right through him.

Isak drops into Eskild’s empty chair, facing Even but leaning forward so he’s still close. “Wanna tell me what happened there?” he asks gently and Even releases a ragged breath.

He’s been thinking about telling Isak for days and he doesn’t think he’s anywhere ready to spill the whole story right now but maybe- Maybe he can offer him a little truth.

“Sana’s brother,” he says, voice rough and croaky from holding himself quiet for so long. “Elias. I knew- know him. We went to school together.”

Isak’s expression doesn’t change except for a tiny twitch of his eyebrow and Even thinks it takes him a great deal of effort to remain like that. “You were friends?” he guesses finally.

Even nods.

“So…you knew Sana? From before?”

Even nods again, the shame of keeping it a secret making him duck his head to avoid Isak’s gaze.

“I didn’t mean to keep it from you,” he tells the floor. “At the beginning, I didn’t want anyone knowing about Bakka and I was just trying to forget about it. And Sana- don’t be angry at Sana, she was just respecting my wishes and trying to protect me.

“I know I should’ve told you sooner,” he whispers, closing his eyes and swallowing around the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t. I get it if you’re angry with me.”

For a terrifyingly long moment – which, in reality, can’t be more than a few seconds – Isak doesn’t react. And then Even feels the feather-light touch of fingertips on his jaw, gently urging his face up. Isak’s expression is filled with sorrow when Even meets his gaze but- he doesn’t think there’s any anger.

“Even, I’m not mad,” he says, voice hushed. “I’m- sad because you felt like you had to hide. Because this is so clearly still hurting you and I don’t know how to make it better. Because you think you have to deal with everything on your own. You don’t.”

Even’s eyes fill with tears of their own accord and he doesn’t register his hands coming up to clutch Isak’s sleeves but it seems to be all Isak needs to get out of his chair and kneel between Even’s legs, pushing himself ever closer and making a shaky breath punch its way out of Even’s throat.

Isak cups his cheeks, gaze heartbreakingly sincere and so full of love Even thinks he could drown in it. “I- I know a thing or two about bottling things up, okay? And this last year, before I met you, it was the worst fucking year of my life. But do you know when I started to feel better?”

Even sniffles, shaking his head, and Isak smiles, wan but real.

“When you made me want to open up. When I told Jonas about you. When I told the guys.” Isak pauses to wipe his thumb under Even’s eyelid, brushing away stray tears and making Even feel like he’s seconds away from breaking. “You don’t have to tell me everything at once. I know it’s scary. But- but just remember that I’m _here_ , okay? I’m right here.”

Even nods, feeling a sob build in his throat, but he stumbles forward to pull Isak into a crushing hug before it can escape. Isak hugs him back just as tightly and Even thinks if he just focuses on trying to put himself back together for the next few minutes then that’s allowed.

He can’t shake his thoughts though.

The walls are closing in faster now. He knows what he needs to do.

He _has_ to tell Isak.

*

**Onsdag 12:05**

When Even gets out of class he hesitates for a moment. He has a free period right now and he knows Isak does too but he also knows Isak is studying with Sana today. If it were any other day on any other week, Even wouldn’t even blink twice and would keep himself occupied some other way but he still feels like he’s on shaky ground since last night and he wants to seek Isak out. He wants to keep him close.

So he goes looking for Isak.

He finds him in the common room with Sana, sitting on either side of the table with notes spread out between them, and Even takes a deep breath before he joins them.

“Halla,” he says when he reaches the table, relaxing slightly at the bright smile Isak sends him before squeezing his hand.

Sana smiles at him too and Even thinks she’s probably a little annoyed he’s crashing their study session but she has the good grace not to mention it. He wonders idly if Isak’s informed her of what Even told him last night.

He can’t tell from her expression and he doesn’t intend on trying to scrutinise her. He’s too tired for that today; he just wants to be near Isak.

“What’s up?” Isak asks as Even drops into the empty chair, pulling his notebook and a pen out of his bag.

“Nothing,” Even tells him and he hopes Isak picks up on the answer he’s not saying. His silent, _I’m fine, I promise_. “Do you mind if I sit with you guys? You can keep studying, I won’t bother you.”

Again, if it were any other day on any other week, Isak would probably make more of an effort to check that Sana is okay with this. But today, he just smiles and says, “Of course,” before leaning over to kiss Even’s cheek.

Judging by the way Sana looks between them, she can tell there’s something they’re not saying but she doesn’t push, thankfully.

So they get back to work and Even opens his notebook, content to doodle until the bell rings and feeling himself return to centre with the way Isak’s knee is pressed against his under the table.

He draws whatever comes to mind, not really focusing on anything in particular. After a while he starts drawing a little caricature of Isak and Sana when their playful bickering becomes a bit too loud to ignore and Even feels- peaceful. Well, as peaceful as he possibly can at the moment.

There’s one thing though.

Sana keeps looking at him.

Every few minutes he feels her gaze on him and it makes his skin prickle. He meets her eyes a couple of times but she always returns to her notes whenever he looks up. Something flares in his stomach and he has a moment where he thinks about Elias supposedly getting drunk on Friday night again. Is it possible- did he _say_ something to her?

He’s honestly not sure how much Sana knows about Bakka since she rarely interacted with any of them from Elias’ group unless it was when they stayed over for dinner. Even’s friendship with her mostly developed when he transferred to Nissen after she helped get Isak to kosegruppa for him.

But he just- he can’t shake the feeling that there’s something she knows now, that something’s different since last week.

He never gets to find out though because when the bell rings Isak nudges his elbow and says, “Walk me to class?” with a playful smile. And Even doesn’t really want to leave the safety of Isak’s presence so he agrees.

He says goodbye to Sana with a small smile, feeling her eyes linger on him as they walk away. And he gets the feeling he’s going to be talking to her sooner rather than later.

*

**Torsdag 15:30**

It’s almost a relief to step into Margo’s office on Thursday. There’s so much inside of him that’s ready to burst out, building up over the past four weeks, he thinks he’ll scream if he doesn’t say something soon.

He’s made his decision now. He’s going to tell Isak. He can’t wait anymore.

But he needs someone to help him navigate his feelings first and, at this point, he thinks Margo is his biggest shot.

“I want to tell Isak about what happened at Elvebakken,” is the first thing he says as soon as they’ve exchanged pleasantries.

Margo is probably surprised but too much time spent in this business stops her from outwardly reacting.

“Can I ask why now?”

“It’s getting too hard to keep it from him,” he replies. “And things from my past keep somehow coming up and I just- I can’t do it anymore. I want to tell him.”

Margo rearranges herself on her seat and Even tries not fidget in the silence. Finally, she says, “You said you had an episode at the beginning of your relationship with Isak, is that correct?”

“Yeah.”

“How did he react?”

Even stills, something unnameable churning in his gut as he bites on his bottom lip. He doesn’t want to talk about this.

“I’m not here to condemn Isak, Even,” she tells him. “I’m just trying to know the whole story so I can best help you tell him the truth. I imagine it was a lot for him to take on?”

Exhaling slowly through his nose, Even nods. “He- Isak’s mom is mentally ill. I said before he had a pretty awful childhood, it- it left him with a lot of resentment for mental illness, I guess.”

Margo nods but he can only see it in his peripheral vision. He keeps his own gaze steadfastly on her desk.

“How did he react?” she repeats gently.

“When- when we first got together, before he knew, he said he was better off without mentally ill people in his life.” He feels sick as the words leave his mouth. Because they’re not true and he knows they’re not fucking true and he hates tarnishing Margo’s impression of Isak but nothing else about the start of their relationship makes sense without them.

“That must’ve hurt you,” Margo observes, voice carefully neutral.

Even closes his eyes, squeezes them tight against the image of the locker room infiltrating his mind. The despair he’d felt in that moment had almost knocked him clean over. “I pulled back,” he says, voice raw. “I couldn’t do it to him. I couldn’t hurt him the way his mom did…But I was falling in love with him,” he whispers tremulously. “And when he called and told me to make up my mind, I went to him. And I planned to tell him I was bipolar, I really did, but the conversation got- put on hold.”

His memory burns at the thought of Isak’s lips on his after two agonising weeks apart, at the phantom feel of Isak’s fingers threading through his hair and pulling him in.

“And I avoided it again, convinced he’d leave if he found out the truth.” He takes a deep breath and looks up for the first time since he started talking. “I had my episode that week, walked out naked, leaving him alone in a hotel room.”

Margo doesn’t speak straightaway and Even wonders absently if he’s actually left her speechless. He decides to continue before she says anything because the sooner he gets this part out of the way, the better.

“He went out looking for me with a pile of my clothes,” he tells her, almost choking on his own shame. “He called Sonja and apparently she- she was upset and scared so she told him I was manic and that I wasn’t in love with him.

“It confused, Isak, I think. He- he asked me to stop texting him and I was slipping into depression at the time so it- it really fucking hurt. But I left him alone. Until-“

He cuts himself off and, for a moment, he can still feel the frigid air and misty rain on his face, can still feel the way his breath froze in his chest when he saw Isak in the schoolyard.

“Until what?” Margo asks him, voice low.

“I sent him a text, a- a goodbye text, I guess. I don’t know if I was planning on- _I don’t know_.” He screws his eyes shut and forces himself to take a breath. “I was trying to let him go but then- then he showed up,” he chokes out. “Ran halfway across Oslo in the freezing cold to pull me into his arms and tell me I wasn’t alone.”

Margo’s expression almost looks relieved when he gets to the end of his sentence. He knows the feeling.

“He stayed with me then,” Even says, feeling a little bit of life come back into his voice. “Lay in bed with me until I felt better and had his roommates look after me while he was at school. We talked everything out that week and- he hasn’t left me since.”

Margo’s smiling now, just barely, but it makes him want to smile back.

“Even, from everything you’ve told me in our past few sessions, I have no doubt that Isak loves you and is a great support to you. And I have the feeling you do the same for him.”

Even nods in agreement. _I save you. You save me right back_.

“But,” she continues cautiously. “Do you think it’s possible your reticence to tell Isak about your past stems from his initial reaction to mental illness?”

Even swallows thickly. This is what he’s been afraid of.

“I believe you trust Isak but it’s understandable if those first words still stick in your head even if they seem irrational now in the face of all the support he’s shown you.”

“I think…that could be part of it,” he admits after what feels like too long.

“I can’t tell you to stop feeling like that and I’m not going to but I do want to ask you something.”

Even waits and she clears her throat.

“When you sent Isak that text, do you think he thought it was a suicide note?”

Even freezes. He hadn’t- he hasn’t thought about that in a while. “I don’t know,” he says finally. “He never- asked me outright. He just said that if I ever felt like that again he wanted me to tell him. So maybe- maybe he assumed.”

Margo absorbs that, inclining her head. “I know you’re afraid to tell him about your suicide attempt,” she says tactfully. “But there seems to be quite a big chance that he’s already aware even tacitly that this is something you’ve struggled with before.

“I’m not saying it makes it easier to tell him,” Margo continues. “But bear it in mind, okay?”

Even thinks it over, thinks about how frantically Isak had rushed to him that night, thinks about how Isak looked like he’d seen a ghost when he laid eyes on Even outside the school, thinks about the way relief passed between them like a feedback loop when they clung to each other, and in the end, all he’s left with is one thought.

Isak knew.

*

**Fredag 21:53**

Even is squished onto one of the couches in the kollektiv with Isak on one side of him and Mahdi on the other and he actually feels relaxed. He didn’t expect to after the emotional upheaval of yesterday but something has settled in him now. He didn’t tell Isak last night, mostly because he was already too drained from therapy and he wants to be fully alert for this conversation, but he’s going to. This weekend, he thinks. When they’ve got all the time in the world and can retreat to the safety of their bed. Where he can whisper the truth under the cover of their blankets.

But for tonight he’s just going to enjoy himself.

The crowd at the party is big but not stifling and Even finds comfort in the fact that he recognises everyone. The girls are dancing and laughing with Eskild on the other side of the room while the boys are holding court on the couches, talking and teasing each other, and this is what Even needs right now. Just a little bit of time where his thoughts don’t have to be so heavy.

Isak touches his knee to get his attention, nodding towards the kitchen. “I’m gonna get another drink, do you want something?”

“I’ll come with you,” Even says, taking Isak’s hand and letting him pull him up off the couch once he’s standing. The boys wave them off when Isak points in the vague direction of the kitchen and they weave their way through the crowd together, finally making it through the scattered groups of people and down the hall.

It’s quieter in the kitchen. There are only two girls in there grabbing a drink and they leave as soon as Isak leads them through the doorway.

“Do you think Eskild is gonna make us stick around and clean up afterwards?” Even asks as Isak makes a beeline for the fridge.

Isak scoffs, turning around a moment later with two cans as he kicks the fridge door shut with his foot. “It’s his place now; he’s in charge of clean-up.”

“But it’s a party in our honour,” Even exclaims, laughing as he imagines Eskild telling them those exact words later.

Isak sighs, setting the cans down on the counter and stepping into Even’s space. “Yeah, well we’ve got dirty dishes at home so…” Isak trails off, intent on connecting their lips but Even stops him with a hand to his shoulder.

“Did you just try and lead into a makeout session by talking about our _dirty dishes_?” he asks incredulously.

Isak huffs, looking off to the side and biting down on his lip like he’s making a valiant effort not to smile.

“Who are you?” Even presses, laughter bubbling out of him when Isak starts tossing his head the way he always does when he gets embarrassed.

“I’m serious,” Even continues, slowly walking Isak backwards until his waist connects with the countertop. “Is my boyfriend – dare I say it – becoming _domesticated_?”

“Would you shut the fuck up and kiss me?” Isak demands finally, puffing out an involuntary laugh and curling his arms around Even’s neck.

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” Even teases, fitting his hands to Isak’s waist and pulling them flush together, foreheads and lips connecting at once. It’s a giggly kind of kiss – one where they spend more time teasing each other and pressing quick little pecks to one another’s mouths than actually trying to achieve anything. And these are Even’s favourite kisses, the kind that remind him just how wholly content he is in Isak’s presence.

“You’re doing the dishes when we get home now,” Isak mumbles into his mouth. “I’ve decided.”

Even laughs and lets Isak swallow the sound, ready to quip back with something stupid when he hears a voice and the words die in his throat.

“Even.”

Freezing, that’s what Even feels like. Or maybe burning. Or maybe it’s the kind of freezing where it’s so cold it burns. That probably sounds the most accurate. Because he recognises that voice. He recognises it deep in his bones and the sickening dread that twists his stomach in knots as he slowly disentangles himself from Isak is almost enough to bowl him over.

Because standing in the doorway of the kollektiv’s kitchen, is Mikael. And Elias, and Yousef, and Mutta, and Adam.

Isak takes a step back from him and it’s the only contact he can register right now. It’s a gaping loss that almost makes his knees buckle but then Isak’s hand is finding his and lacing their fingers together. He squeezes so tight the feeling makes its way through the fog in Even’s brain.

“You- how’ve you been?” Mikael asks tentatively.

And that’s. Even realises with sudden, horrifying clarity that he’s not ready for this. He can’t do this.

“I can’t do this,” he mutters and he’s not sure it’s loud or coherent enough for anyone but Isak to understand but in an instant he’s letting go of Isak’s hand and rushing around the boys, feeling his throat close up when his arm brushes against Adam.

He runs into Isak’s room.

Except it’s not Isak’s room anymore. It’s Noora’s. It’s unfamiliar and the pictures on the walls are wrong and the duvet is different and it’s so overwhelming it brings him to his knees. It’s right around then that he realises he can’t breathe. His lungs aren’t working, his throat is clogged, he can’t, he can’t-

His hands scrabble on the hardwood floor as he searches desperately for something to hold onto but the spots blurring his vision make it too hard to see.

He’s not prepared for this. He’s not ready to see them again. He can’t go that far. He’s not _ready_ -

Then, over the din of his gasping, he hears a voice.

“Even…Even…Even…Even…Baby…Babe…Even…Evy… _Even_.”

That’s all he can hear at first. Just his name. Over and over again. But when he blinks the spots out of his eyes again he can just about recognise Isak kneeling in front of him.

“Even, I need you to look at me,” Isak pleads and he hears that. He hears Isak. But he can’t reach him.

Isak tells him he’s going to touch him and then he feels hands on his shoulders. Not pushing, not doing anything except holding. Slowly, Isak’s voice starts to filter through a bit more, repeated requests to, “Breathe with me.”

And eventually, he manages to draw in a ragged breath upon Isak’s instructions. It’s marginally easier after that. In and out. In and out. In and out. Until he doesn’t feel quite like he’s choking anymore and Isak’s presence is more tangible in front of him.

“Isak,” he croaks out and then Isak’s hands are touching his face.

“It’s okay,” Isak murmurs, fingers caressing Even’s cheeks. “It’s okay.”

Even sits back heavily on the floor, back hitting the bed behind him, and he’s absently glad for something to hold him up.

“It’s okay,” Isak keeps mumbling and it isn’t until Even has lifted a sluggish arm to rub at his eyes that he realises Isak’s are watering.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out immediately but Isak shushes him.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Isak promises, holding Even tight enough to ground him but not so tight it smothers him. “I’m right here. We’re safe. You’re safe.”

Even caves in on himself then, so enormously tired that he can’t do anything but let himself crumple. Isak’s right there to catch him, bundling Even up into his arms and hugging him close. Even just turns into him as much as he can, burying himself in the comforting scent of Isak’s hoodie.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there for. It could be hours for all he knows before Isak starts to shift a little. It takes a moment for Even’s brain to catch up but when it finally does he realises Isak is calling someone.

“What are you doing?” Even asks, throat aching and raw.

“Calling Jonas,” Isak says quietly, running his free hand over Even’s back. Even doesn’t listen to the conversation but hears it when the bedroom door opens a few minutes later. He tenses in Isak’s arms but then he recognises the three pairs of shoes in front of him.

Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi crouch around them and Magnus reaches for the hand Even doesn’t have twisted in Isak’s t-shirt. “Hey buddy, what’s up?” he asks, tone the most gentle Even has ever heard it. It makes tears well up behind his eyes all over again and Isak’s arm tightens around him.

“Even’s friends from Bakka showed up,” Isak answers wearily and Even can’t help the way he flinches at the words.

“What?” Jonas asks flatly and he thinks it probably takes a herculean effort for him to stay sitting still.

“How did they even know about the party?” Mahdi asks and in a distant part of his mind, Even can appreciate the fact that all three of them are speaking so quietly without having to be asked.

“It’s- I don’t know,” Isak sighs and he sounds exhausted. “Can you just make sure no one comes in here, please?”

“We’ll get rid of everybody,” Jonas says decisively.

“You don’t have to,” Even protests weakly but he can already see them all shaking their heads.

“We don’t need a party right now,” Mahdi disagrees. “We’ll make sure everyone leaves you alone.”

Then, seemingly deciding together, they all converge on him, surrounding him in a hug. Four sets of arms holding him together right when he feels ready to shake apart at the seams.

“You’re our friend now,” Magnus says fiercely. “Whatever you’re feeling right now, remember that.”

“We’ve got your back,” Jonas adds with conviction, followed by a determined nod from Mahdi.

And then they let him go, into the careful care of Isak’s arms, before filing out of the room to presumably break up the party.

The door has barely been closed for a few seconds before Sana comes bursting in, Noora following close behind.

“Even, I swear I didn’t know they were coming,” she insists, voice frantic. “Vilde invited them, if I’d known I would’ve-“

“It’s okay, Sana,” he interrupts softly, shaking his head when she meets his gaze with fretful eyes.

“I told them to leave,” she assures him quietly. “They’re gone.”

Even doesn’t really feel like talking anymore so he settles for nodding.

Noora takes a hesitant step forward then, crouching down to sit on his other side. “You can stay in here tonight,” she offers. “I’ll stay in Eskild’s room.”

“Thanks, Noora,” Isak whispers from beside him and Even feels his limbs slowly unlock knowing he won’t have to move.

“Tea?” she asks with a gentle smile and Even is transported back to that week in December, where Noora would offer him never-ending cups of tea and sit beside his bed reading whenever it was her turn to watch out for him.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

She nods, patting his shoulder before standing up again. She wraps an arm around Sana as she guides her to the door and Even reminds himself to sit down with Sana and tell her none of this is her fault when he has more energy.

“Noora,” Isak calls before they can leave the room. “If you- if you see Eskild can you tell him we’re in here.”

Noora nods knowingly and then she and Sana are gone.

“Let’s get into bed,” Isak whispers, slowly extricating himself from Even so he can stand up. He pulls Even up with him and Even needs a second – just a second – where he folds himself back into Isak’s arms and hugs him tight.

“I- I’m going to-“

Isak must be able to tell what he’s going to say because he presses their foreheads together and shushes him with a tap to his cheek. “Baby, you can tell me whatever you want in the morning. We’re gonna sleep right now, okay? For the next 540 minutes, we’re sleeping.”

Even somehow manages to pull a ghost of a smile from the depths of his insides and nods. “Okay.”

They shrug off their jackets and hoodies then, toeing out of their shoes and their jeans. And shedding the extra layers makes Even feel too exposed but then Isak is coaxing him onto the bed and under the covers and he feels something close to safe again. Isak sits up a little bit, propping himself against the wall and Even lays his head on his chest, letting his eyes unfocus as he stares at Isak’s white t-shirt.

The door opens again a moment later and then Eskild is slipping inside. Even can only look at the expression on his face for a few seconds before he has to look away.

“When are you two going to stop breaking my heart?” Eskild asks sadly, climbing onto the bed on Even’s other side and hugging Even’s back. Even takes comfort in it, like he’s being protected from all sides. “Everyone’s gone except the guys and the girls,” Eskild promises, receiving a quiet thank you from Isak.

“You’re staying here tonight, okay?” Eskild says and there’s no room for argument in his voice. “How are we supposed to take care of you when you’re in that flat all on your own?”

“We’ve have each other, Eskild,” Isak says and it’s a half-hearted attempt at joking but Even still imprints the words in his brain, burrowing closer to Isak.

“Yeah, well, you need to be with family tonight,” Eskild sighs. “So, stay. And I’ll make breakfast in the morning.”

“Maybe you should leave breakfast to Noora,” Even croaks.

“Was that a joke, Bech Næsheim?” Eskild asks, scandalised, and it almost makes Even smile again. If he can count on his friends for one thing, it’s how much they try to normalise situations like this.

Eskild leaves after that with another squeeze for Even and a kiss on the cheek for Isak. Noora comes in to drop off the tea not long afterwards and finally they’re alone.

Isak lies down properly then and Even does his best to meld their bodies together – chests pressed together, legs tangled, and face buried in Isak’s neck.

“Just sleep,” Isak whispers, carding fingers through his hair and pressing kisses to Even’s temple. “Let’s just sleep.”

Too tired to let the panic consume him any longer, Even sleeps.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a;lkdjfkaadsjalk i promised i'd always end sad things with cuddles!!!! 
> 
> welp i hope you enjoyed it!!! if you need to yell you can find me at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, ily <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Biting the inside of his cheek, Even tightens his fingers around Isak’s and timidly meets his eyes. “I’m gonna tell you now,” he says, voice half-muffled by the pillow. “All of it.”
> 
> Isak’s expression doesn’t change but he does reach out with his free hand to gently tap Even’s nose with the tip of his finger. “Take your time,” he murmurs. “Stop whenever you want.”
> 
> Even nods, more to himself than anything else, and tries to gather his thoughts. Where does he even start?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my loves! I want to say a massive thank you to the vast majority of you for your response to the last chapter, it means so much to me :') and to all of you who shared your own stories and experiences and told me you identified with what Even is going through right now, i just wanna say you're all brave as hell and i hope you have the support you deserve <3
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: discussions of Even's suicide attempt, internalised homphobia and discussions of Even's panic attack from the previous chapter. Even is also in somewhat of a depressed state for the first portion of this chapter
> 
> Now who's ready for a long overdue talk?  
> Enjoy, bbs <3

**Lørdag 10:32**

Even’s eyelids feel glued together when he wakes up in the morning.

The exhaustion had knocked him out last night, into a heavy kind of sleep that pulled him so far under he didn’t even dream. He doesn’t feel better but,  _well_ , he doesn’t feel worse either. When he finally pries his eyes open he finds Isak lying on his stomach, face turned towards Even and eyes open.

“Morning, sunshine,” Isak murmurs, hand escaping from where it’s tucked under his body to brush the hair back from Even’s forehead.

And this image is so familiar. Isak, this room, this bed. His safe haven. Except it’s all  _wrong_  now. The pillow under his head is different, the sheets don’t smell the same, it doesn’t feel the same.

Inexplicably, the realisation makes tears well up in his eyes but Isak’s thumb is right there to catch a few when they start to fall.

“What is it?” he asks, voice so comforting it temporarily smooths over all of Even’s jagged edges.

“The bed feels different,” he answers brokenly, and he feels like a child for even saying it but then Isak’s expression falls and he’s shifting forward to pull Even into his arms.

“We can go home,” he promises, hands sweeping over every part of Even he can reach. “We’ll go home and stay in bed. I already called Lise and told her you couldn’t come in today.”

Even swallows down a sob and whispers an unintelligible thank you into Isak’s t-shirt. He doesn’t think he’s in any fit state for the tram right now but home sounds inviting enough that he supposes he’ll just have to brave it.

Eskild meets them in the hallway when they eventually manage to pull themselves out of bed, limb by limb, pulling on layer after layer of clothes until he’s built up his armour again. He balks a little when he learns that Jonas, Magnus, Mahdi and the girls are all still here but in a far corner of his brain he appreciates them trying to be there for him even with a wall separating them.

When Eskild tells them they’ve made breakfast he can tell Isak is about to make an excuse for him but Even speaks before he can. “We can have breakfast before we leave,” he mumbles.

Isak watches him and Even knows exactly what his expression says without having to look at him.  _You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to stay_.

But twenty minutes around the others won’t ruin him.

It’s a quiet affair. They squash together on the couches and the floor around the coffee table – though they’re careful not to crowd Even too much save for the comforting of weight of Isak beside him – and Even picks half-heartedly at the pancakes Noora made. More to be polite than because he’s actually hungry. A few of them engage in quiet conversations around their food but no one pushes him to talk and when Isak sets down his plate on the coffee table and announces they’re gonna head home no one tries to stop them.

Even receives ten hugs varying in length and tightness on his way out the door and he’s so touched by the way they rally around him that the smothering feeling he’d normally experience in a situation like this is no more than a dull ache in the back of his throat.

It’s still a relief to leave though.

Isak finds them the emptiest car possible once they get on the tram and Even keeps his eyes closed for the entire journey, trying to block everything out and just focus on breathing. He still hasn’t really let his mind wander to last night but it’s there, right on the corners of his brain, and he can tell it’s only a matter of time before reality comes crashing down on him again.

The stairs up to their flat have never felt more never-ending than they do today and Even is ready to collapse by the time they finally make it to their door. But the flat is blessedly silent when they step inside and Even breathes out the quietest sigh of relief. All they manage to do once they reach their bedroom is shed the majority of clothes before they crawl into bed.

Even curls himself into Isak as soon as they’re lying down and closes his eyes. The blue and beige duvet that he’s grown so fond of is tucked up around him and for the first time in hours, he feels safe.

“I’m gonna call your mom and tell her we won’t be coming over tonight, okay?” Isak mumbles against his temple. “We can just stay in today.”

Even thinks he nods but he’s not sure. Either way, he hears Isak talking on the phone a few moments later.

“Hi, Liv. Yeah, I just wanted to let you know we’re gonna give dinner a miss today…Yeah, um. Even’s friends from Elvebakken were at a party we were at last night so…Yeah, no, we’re fine. We just need a quiet day, y’know? ...Hang on, I’ll ask him.”

“Baby,” Isak murmurs, calm and gentle as he offers the phone to Even. “Do you wanna talk to your mom?”

Putting the phone to his ear requires more effort than it should but he manages eventually. “Hi, mamma,” he answers, voice rough around the edges from disuse.

 _“How’re you feeling, honey?”_  his mom’s concerned voice sounds through the phone.

He shrugs before he remembers she can’t see him and forces himself to string a sentence together. “I’m okay.”

“ _Me and pappa will stop by later to drop off food for you and Isak so you don’t have to cook, okay? You don’t have to get out of bed; we’ll use our spare key_.”

“Okay,” he whispers.

He hears his mom sigh on the other end of the line and he knows she hates this. She hates not being able to fix things for him. “ _I love you_.”

“Love you too,” he mumbles around the lump in his throat. He passes the phone back to Isak then, not sure he can say anymore, and doesn’t listen while Isak ends the conversation.

“Take a nap, Ev,” Isak tells him when he’s hung up, leaning his temple against Even’s forehead. “We can talk when you wake up if you’re feeling up to it.”

Even doesn’t have the energy to argue so he agrees, letting himself escape to a dreamless sleep for just a little while longer.

* * *

**Lørdag 15:19**

After he’s woken up and Isak’s made them a late lunch, Even decides it’s finally time to talk to Isak.

There’s a dull anger in his chest when he thinks about the fact that he was robbed of explaining this on his own terms but then again, he was the one who’d been stalling all this time. He’d just been hoping to tell this story without the sickening knot in his stomach that’s been building since last night.

He thinks at this point, though, now is as good a time as any.

He and Isak are lying on their sides facing one another, hands linked loosely between them, and Isak’s gaze is on him but it’s not probing.

Biting the inside of his cheek, Even tightens his fingers around Isak’s and timidly meets his eyes. “I’m gonna tell you now,” he says, voice half-muffled by the pillow. “All of it.”

Isak’s expression doesn’t change but he does reach out with his free hand to gently tap Even’s nose with the tip of his finger. “Take your time,” he murmurs. “Stop whenever you want.”

Even nods, more to himself than anything else, and tries to gather his thoughts. Where does he even start?

“So…so I told you I had a really bad episode at Bakka.” His gaze flicks to Isak’s face and the other boy nods.

“When I was- when I was hypomanic I- I tried to kiss Mikael.” He looks down at their hands when he says it, not keen on witnessing whatever emotions are passing across Isak’s face right now. “He’s- he kind of freaked out? Told me that we couldn’t, that he couldn’t be gay, because it was against Islam.”

Even wets his chapped lips, eyes trained on Isak’s thumb slowly trailing over the back of hand. “He was distancing himself and I was manic so I didn’t really understand why. I started studying the Qur’an since religion was the excuse he kept using, you know. I wanted to- I wanted to understand what I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Isak says, voice soft but filled with determination. Even offers him a half-smile.

“I looked for whatever I could about homosexuality and I made myself memorise it, made myself internalise it, made myself believe it was wrong. And then I- I started posting passages and stuff on Facebook; I guess I thought that was the best way to prove to Mikael that I’d changed. That’s when the school and my parents started to get involved.”

“Is that when you were diagnosed?” Isak asks quietly and Even nods.

“It was really scary,” he whispers, closing his eyes against the memory. “I was still manic, I couldn’t- I was losing touch with reality. I had no idea what anyone was trying to tell me.”

Isak squeezes his hand tight and Even is the grateful for the reminder of where he is right now. He’s safe in bed with Isak, he’s not back there anymore.

“The crash afterwards was- it was  _brutal_.” He looks up and Isak got sadness in his eyes but there’s love there too. So much love.

“I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks; I was wasting away to nothing. That’s when I started ignoring the guys. I think- I think they stopped by a few times at the beginning, I don’t really remember. But I didn’t have the energy to reply to any of their messages.”

“That’s okay,” Isak tells him lowly and Even takes a heaving breath.

Here comes the worst part.

“Everything I read when I was manic,” he whispers. “About how wrong it was for me to look at boys like that, about how I’d burn for it- I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

“The thoughts were always there, even when I was sleeping. They wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t- I couldn’t escape them. I just wanted it to  _stop_ ,” he says desolately, tears colouring his voice and making his vision blur.

He doesn’t say anymore but, with a sickening twist to his gut, he watches Isak figure it out on his own.

“The only way to escape your thoughts is to die,” Isak says, an echo of entirely different conversation hanging over them, and Even can hear the realisation dawning in his voice.

He looks at Isak, who appears to be holding his breath, and swallows roughly before he nods. Isak breath hitches and his eyes fill with tears in an instant but he doesn’t say anything. He just holds Even’s hand like he’s hanging on for dear life. He seems determined to let Even finish.

“My dad had sleeping pills in the bathroom cabinet for when he was trying to regulate his schedule when he switched from day shifts to night shifts,” he explains, voice wobbly. “And I- I just wanted to make it all go away, Isak. I wanted to stop thinking.

“I woke up the next day in the hospital,” he mutters, scrubbing at his eyes with his free hand and Isak makes a hurt noise in the back of his throat. “It took another two and a half weeks after that before I started to feel even somewhat like myself again. I’d missed so much school by then that I had to drop out.”

He falls silent then, realising this is more or less the end of his story. He doesn’t know what else he can offer that Isak doesn’t already know. He feels strangely empty now that he’s said it.

Isak seems to realise he’s done too because suddenly he’s letting go of Even’s hand and reaching up to take Even’s face between his hands. Slowly, he presses their foreheads together, brushing their noses against one another so delicately it makes Even’s breath hitch.

“Even,” he says tremulously and he sounds seconds away from crumpling but there’s a steely strength hidden in his words. “Nothing else in this world matters more than you being alive, do you know that?”

Even meets his gaze for half a second and then he breaks, feeling a sob rip its way out of his throat. Isak is right there, pushing forward into his space and pulling him close, clutching him tightly and letting his tears drip into Even’s hair. Even clings to him like a lifeline, crying into the crook of Isak’s neck. He can’t tell if he’s the one that’s shaking or if it’s Isak. It’s probably both of them.

And it’s agonising but it’s  _cathartic_.

It’s like being splintered apart and put back together again. Like re-breaking a bone to make sure it sets right. Finally letting all the pain and anguish and fear and shame flood out of him. Finally letting himself  _feel_  it. And Isak is there, soothing over his wounds and filling up the spaces Even can’t reach and he thinks this is what a partnership is.

He doesn’t know how long they stay there for, how long it takes wracking sobs to simmer down to sniffly cries to silent tears. Isak’s whispering words against his skin, breath gentle, and carding fingers through Even’s hair, slow and steady. Even’s own hands have wormed their way under Isak’s t-shirt to feel his skin, to let the warmth and familiarity seep into his veins.

And he’s not sure how he feels right now. But he’s breathing and he’s whole and he has nothing left to hide.

It feels something like moving on.

* * *

**Sondag 11:58**

Even wakes up on Sunday morning to Isak kissing his forehead and brushing his hair back off his face. Fluttering his eyes open, Even finds Isak leaning over him.

“Baby, Sana’s here to see you,” he says softly, thumb rubbing over Even’s jaw. “Should I tell her to come back later?”

Even thinks of Sana’s distress on Friday night and shakes his head. “No, that’s okay. I’ll be out in a second.”

Isak nods and leans down to brush their lips together, smiling when he pushes himself back up again. “I love you.”

Feeling something in him settle at the words, Even’s mouth lifts at the corners in response. “Love you too.”

Isak goes back to the living room then and Even gives himself a few minutes’ respite. He feels- better than he did yesterday. He isn’t worried about Isak’s reaction anymore – can’t be after Isak spent the past twenty-four hours holding him and filling him up with every tender word he could possibly come up with – but the thought of confronting what actually happened on Friday night still leaves him petrified. Talking about his past is one thing, having the past show up in his kitchen is something else entirely.

He goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and run his hand through his hair before detouring back to the bedroom to grab the duvet and drags it with him into the living room.

Sana looks up from where she’s perched on their beat up arm chair when he enters the room, expression caught somewhere between nervous and hopeful.

“Hi Sana,” he says quietly, dropping onto the couch beside Isak and pulling the duvet up over both of them. Isak lifts his arm and Even leans into his side, feeling himself relax when Isak’s arm comes to rest around him.

“How are you doing?” she asks, eyes flitting all over his face like she’s checking him for invisible injuries.

“I’m okay,” he answers honestly. His head doesn’t feel quite so heavy as it did yesterday but he’d be lying if he said he was on top of the world.

Sana inhales like she’s bracing herself for something. “I swear I didn’t know they were coming,” she tells him. “They didn’t know you’d be there either. I haven’t really told Elias that we hang out and-“

“Sana,” Even interrupts, smiling tiredly as she claps her mouth shut. “It’s okay. It’s not anyone’s fault. If anything, it’s mine for burying my head in the sand and refusing to deal with everything over the past year.”

“It’s  _definitely_  not your fault,” Isak murmurs beside him, giving him a gentle head-butt, and Even watches Sana’s expression soften a little bit as she watches them.

“What did, um, what did they say?” he asks after a beat, scrunching up his fingers in the blanket in a nervous habit. “On Friday.”

“They wanted to go after you but I told them it wasn’t a good idea,” she replies after a moment. “Yousef asked if you were okay. Mikael asked if you were happy now.”

Even’s chest feels weighted down as he absorbs the words. He misses them fiercely and he’s never felt that more keenly than he does now. He knew, on some level, that they still cared. But to hear it so plainly makes longing consume him.

“What did you say?” he asks quietly, sinking a little deeper into Isak’s arms.

A soft smile makes Sana’s dimples pop and Even feels traitorous hope flutter in his stomach. “I told Yousef that you probably weren’t okay but that you would be because Isak was with you. I told Mikael you’re the happiest I’ve ever seen you.”

Isak’s hand squeezes his shoulder and Even feels himself smile. It’s easy to forget when he’s caught up in his past just how well things have been going for him so far. Margo told him in one of their sessions once that he needed to acknowledge all the progress he has made in spite of how far he still has to go. When he thinks about it, he knows he’s come a long way from last year.

“I did kind of have to give Elias a better explanation though,” she adds with an apologetic smile. “He wanted to know how I’d been hanging out with you. I gave him the short version though. Just said we had the same friends and that you were dating my biology partner.”

Isak scoffs. “Is that all I am to you, Sana?”

Sana huffs but Even can see her fighting a smile. She shakes her head and looks back to Even, expression turning serious again. “You don’t have to but I think they’d really like to see you again.”

Even ducks his head, trying to shove down the panic the thought elicits. He’s not sure if he’s ready for that.

But eventually he looks back to Sana and offers her a wan smile. “I’ll think about it.”

* * *

**Mandag 22:09**

Even goes to school on Monday but if you asked him what happened in any of his classes he wouldn’t be able to tell you. He’s distracted, lost in his own head, stuck somewhere between memories of last year and memories of Friday night. Panic still sits uncomfortable inside him at the thought of talking to any of the boys but he doesn’t know what else to do.

He’s torturing himself lying in bed that night, scrolling through pictures on his phone from a different time. Pictures of the six of them goofing off and posing ridiculously for selfies. Pictures that remind him how inseparable he and Mikael once were.

He hears Isak set his own phone on the nightstand and then he can feel Isak’s gaze on his screen where Even’s paused on picture of him and Mikael laughing into the camera. Even locks his phone with a sigh and tosses it onto the mattress, meeting Isak’s eyes with a wan smile.

Isak studies him for a moment before seemingly coming to a decision. “Baby, can I tell you about something?”

Even shifts to look at him properly, rearranging the pillow under his head.

Isak seems to deliberate for a moment before he opens his mouth. “Did you know I used to have a crush on Jonas?”

Even pauses for a moment, trying to imagine Isak and Jonas as anything other than best friends. He can’t. But then again, that’s probably why he’s lying here with Isak instead of Jonas. “You did?”

“Yep,” Isak replies with a rueful smile. “Or well, I don’t know if- it wasn’t the same as having a crush on you, y’know? It was like, I was starting to realise I was attracted to boys and he was…the safest option, in a weird way?”

Even nods tentatively. “I think I get that,” he mumbles. “Mikael and I were so close…when I started to realise I liked boys too it was- it made sense to apply those feelings to him.”

Isak bobs his head in understanding and Even’s starting to realise the similarities between both their journeys to self-acceptance run even deeper than he’d previously thought.

“I did something bad in first year and kind of played a role in him and Eva breaking up,” Isak admits then which takes Even by surprise but the bits and pieces of his first year that Isak has shared with him have made it fairly clear just how much Isak had struggled.

“And I realised afterwards,” Isak continues. “I wasn’t in love with Jonas. I was attracted to him, sure, but like, when he and Eva broke up and he started dating other girls it didn’t hurt the same. And maybe I was just getting over him but I think it was because he wasn’t in love with any of them, y’know? I think I was more jealous of him and Eva being in love than being jealous of  _Eva_. My crush on him and my loneliness made for a really fucking ugly combination.”

Even feels an echo of pain in his chest for a younger Isak. Sometimes he wonders what it would’ve been like if he and Isak had met last year. Before Even’s episode. Before Isak’s dad left. He wonders if they could’ve saved each other back then too.

“Did you ever tell him?”

“Yeah,” Isak answers, blowing out a breath. “In December, when everything settled down again. I couldn’t keep it from him anymore. He was really fucking good about it.”

“That sounds like Jonas,” Even smiles, grateful that in this one instance Isak never had to go through what he did.

Isak stays quiet like he’s waiting for Even to keep talking and it makes Even think over everything that happened with Mikael and everything he’d felt.

“I didn’t love Mikael either, I think. I just- the feelings I had for boys, for anyone, stopped being confusing when I focused them on him. Losing Mikael as a friend hurt more than anything else,” Even offers and Isak smiles sadly at him.

They’re quiet for a beat and then-

“God, we’re cliché,” Isak says with a playful nudge, making Even huff out a tiny laugh.

“Falling for our straight best friends.” Even shakes his head.

“Yeah but look at us now,” Isak whispers, smile calm as he traces a finger from Even’s hairline to his jaw.

“We got it right the second time around,” Even replies just as quietly, shifting his head forward on the pillow to brush their noses together.

They just lie there for a moment, breathing each other in, before Isak sighs. “We should probably go to sleep.”

“Can I be the little spoon tonight?” Even asks timidly, needing the safety and security that comes with being wrapped up in Isak’s arms.

“Mm,” Isak hums. “Give me a kiss first.”

Even slides their mouths together, breathing in the reassurance and comfort Isak pours into the kiss, before pecking Isak’s lips once, twice, three times, and turning over. Isak reaches over to turn off the bedside lamp and then he’s pressing up against his back, tucking his knees up behind Even’s and worming his arms around Even’s middle.

Even folds his arms over Isak’s and lets his eyes slip shut with Isak’s breath tickling the back of his neck.

Isak mumbles, “G’night, Ev, love you,” against his skin and Even feels himself shiver. Both at the sensation and at the words.

Even’s head may still be a mess but at least he has this.

He’ll always have this.

“Love you too.”

* * *

**Tirsdag 15:30**

He bumps his appointment with Margo up to Tuesday, more out of a desire for self-preservation than anything else. He feels better than he did on Saturday but he’s still too worked up, too stuck in his own head.

“So,” Margo starts off, eyeing him speculatively. “Was there a particular reason why you needed to meet today instead of Thursday?”

In his text, Even hadn’t offered an explanation. He’d just asked if they could meet earlier in the week instead and she’d said she was free Tuesday. It’s easy to hide your desperation via text, he thinks.

“I went to a party on Friday night and Mikael and the others were there,” he tells her, cringing when he can’t quite manage to keep his voice steady.

Margo purses her lips, the ghost of a frown on her face. “What happened?”

“They walked in on me and Isak kissing and then I ran into another room and had a panic attack.” Even says it as detachedly as he can, trying to pretend it’s someone else’s words. Someone else’s life. He’s not directing it anymore. This isn’t the story he wanted to tell.

“Did they try to follow you?” She asks after seeming to contemplate her questions for a few moments.

“I think so,” he mutters. “Sana said they did but she sent them away. Isak followed me into the room and helped me calm down. I told him the next day. About everything, I mean. He knows now.”

Margo smiles at him for that. “I’m proud of you. That can’t have been an easy conversation for you to have. How did he take it?”

“He was really good about it,” Even answers, throat feeling thick at the memory. “He’s been amazing for the past couple of days.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” she says and it doesn’t sound placating. It sounds like she means it. “Can we talk a little more about Friday night? About how it made you feel?”

“It was scary,” he confesses, clenching and unclenching his hands in his lap. “It made me feel like- like I didn’t have control anymore. Like my past was spilling out all around me and there was nothing I could do about it.”

“Can you tell me what about it scared you so much? The fear of other people finding out what happened at your old school?”

“That was part of it,” he agrees, shrugging half-heartedly. “Mostly I was just- afraid to see them. To- to confront it all, you know.”

Margo nods, making a brief note. “How did they react when they saw you?”

“They were shocked,” Even says, remembering the weight of their stares, like they couldn’t really believe it was him. He can still feel their eyes on his skin. “They- Mikael tried to ask me how I was. That’s when I started panicking and ran out.”

“So they didn’t look angry or upset?” Margo asks. “I know from the way you’ve talked about them before, you think they resent you now. Did you get that feeling from them?”

Even shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I didn’t really stick around long enough to see,” he says. “But- Sana said that, um, that they asked about me afterwards. If I was okay and stuff…”

“And how did that feel? When you heard that?” she asks, voice the tiniest bit knowing.

“Like hope,” he murmurs. “I- I miss them. And I- that made it seem like maybe they might miss me too.”

Margo looks proud when she nods. “Would you like to see them again?”

“Yes,” he admits and it’s the first time he’s actually said it out loud. “I don’t know if I’m ready though.”

“What did you tell me you and Isak tell each other? Minute by minute, Even,” she reminds him with an encouraging smile. “You don’t have to decide anything right now.”

Blowing out a breath, he nods.

Minute by minute.

* * *

**Onsdag 14:35**

They’re walking home from school, hands clasped between them while Isak regales him with some story of his biology teacher that’s apparently allergic to wearing bras.

“Anyway,” Isak says, getting to the end of his tangent. “I think I’m gonna go over to Sana’s on Friday so we can start prepping for the mock exam. You know, like start making flashcards and stuff.”

Even grins to himself. The way Isak so unashamedly cares about school is far more endearing than it should be. “That sounds like fun.”

“Yeah,” Isak agrees before he seems to hesitate, throwing Even a sidelong glance. “Sana also suggested- if you wanted to, you could come with me and see Elias.”

Even stops walking and Isak stops with him, seemingly anticipating this kind of reaction. “I saw your face on Sunday, Even,” he says quietly. “When Sana said they wanted to see you. And I know- I know seeing them all together at the same time would probably be too much but maybe you could start small? You can see Elias but Sana and I will be there too. And we can leave whenever you want.”

A part of Even is touched at how much thought Isak has clearly put into this, heart squeezing at how hard he’s trying to make this as comfortable as possible for Even. A bigger part of him is terrified of the thought of being left alone with any of the boys though.

What would he say? How could he even begin to explain himself and everything that he did?

Isak doesn’t push him for an answer, just silently waits him out while Even thinks it over in his head.

It’s scary. It sounds really fucking scary. But maybe- maybe he could try. Maybe just to see.

And if it hurts, he can go home. No questions asked.

Tightening his hand in Isak’s hold, Even meets his gaze and forces himself to keep his voice steady. “I’ll come with you.”

* * *

**Fredag 15:54**

Even’s heart pounds in time with his footsteps as he walks up to Sana’s house with Isak.

It’s easier in his head to refer to it as Sana’s house even though he never would’ve before this year. Calling it Elias’ house feels too terrifying though, so he chooses not to focus on that part just yet. He’s going to Sana’s house with Isak. Isak is going to study with Sana and Even is going to sit with them. And if Elias is there then maybe he’ll be brave enough to say hi.

Sana is the one who answers the door when they knock and Even breathes a silent sight of relief, letting himself live in denial a little while longer.

After a timid hello on all of their parts Sana looks to Isak.

“We can use the dining table,” she says. “I already set up my stuff.”

“Cool,” Isak says, managing to sound far too nonchalant considering how tense this entire situation is. “I hope you’ve got your flashcards ready, Sanasol. I know how much you suffer without my help.”

Sana rolls his her eyes and Even is glad to see the way she loses a bit of the set in her shoulders as Isak pulls a reluctant smile out of her. “I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around, Isabel.”

“We’ll see about that,” Isak sniffs, tugging on Even’s hand to lead him into the house. As Sana guides them to the kitchen Even feels like he’s stepping back in time.

He knows this home so well, knows it like the back of his hand. He doesn’t even know how much time they spent hanging out here after school, how many times he stayed over for dinner. His heart clenches in his chest at the thought. Because suddenly he feels like a guest again and it was never like this before.

Elias is in the kitchen when they get there and Even feels himself stop short at the sight of him. Isak stops obediently beside him and gives Even’s hand an imperceptible squeeze.

“Hey man,” Elias says with a half-smile, voice far more tentative than Even is used to hearing it.

“Hi,” Even forces out after a too long pause. The tension in the room is so thick he thinks he might suffocate from it and he can feel Sana and Isak watching them both warily but Even can’t think to say anything else.

Eventually, Elias takes the next step. “How about we chill outside?” he offers. “We can let these two study.”

The thought of being alone with Elias is only mildly less terrifying than being alone with Mikael but that small margin of difference is enough to make him nod his head in acquiescence. He turns to Isak before they leave, needing a moment to ground himself, and Isak is right there, brushing their noses together and letting his fingers tighten around Even’s one last time before letting go.

He and Elias end up on the swings outside by some unspoken agreement. The swings are always where Elias would have important conversations. He wonders idly if Sana does the same thing.

They don’t talk for a while and he’s grateful Elias doesn’t immediately try to rush this. It’s awkward and it’s stilted but a part of Even knows it’s supposed to be. Too much has happened for it not to be.

Surprising himself, Even is the one to break the silence. “I’m sorry I never answered your messages.”

Elias shrugs, swaying the swing back and forth. “It’s okay. Sonja said you were depressed so you didn’t really feel like talking to anyone.”

“But after that,” Even clarifies with a wince. “I haven’t been depressed this whole time.”

Elias looks at him for a moment before his face twists up in a rueful smile. “I know that, man.”

Even accepts that with a nod, tightening his hands around the ropes of the swing. “Did Sana tell you I’m bipolar?”

Elias hesitates for a moment before nodding. “I’m sorry if you wanted to tell us yourself. But I kind of grilled her after I found out she’d been hanging out with you. I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

“It’s okay,” Even replies. “It saves me having to explain it.”

“That’s what it was, right?” Elias asks. “Everything before you-“ He cuts himself off, offering Even an apologetic expression.

Even knows what he was going to say.  _Everything before you tried to kill yourself_. Swallowing the bile in his throat, he answers. “Yes,” he croaks. “I was manic.”

Elias nods, like he’d already figured as much. “I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for you at the time.”

Even lifts his shoulders in discomfort. “It’s- I didn’t even know ‘til afterwards that that’s what it was. It’s none of you guys’ fault.”

“Still,” Elias says and then that’s all they say for a while, swaying back and forth on the swings, just slightly out of synch.

And then he can feel Elias grinning at him. “Isak seems nice.”

Even stiffens. He never really stopped to wonder how the rest of his friends would react to the idea of him being attracted to boys. Or the idea of him being pansexual in general. He’d been tainted so much by his episode that he’s always just assumed the worst.

His gaze flickers to Elias and he sees something encouraging in his expression, like he’s offering an olive branch.

“Yeah, he’s great,” Even says, blowing out a breath. “It’s- I actually kind of have your sister to thank for that.”

“Yeah?” Elias asks and the light in his voice makes Even want to open up to him again.

“She kind of helped me orchestrate us meeting each other,” he tells him, remembering how his heart had hammered in his chest when he’d strolled into that first kosegruppa meeting and found Isak sitting there.

Elias lets out a quiet laugh. “Who knew my baby sister was such a matchmaker?”

Even wants to smile so he does. And it feels nice.

“Who would’ve thought after everything I’d end up dating your baby sister’s biology partner?”

Elias barks out a real laugh this time, shaking his head. “The world’s so fucking small.”

Even hums in agreement and they fall silent again.

They stick to lighter topics after that. Elias tells him about the great plans for his gap year that really haven’t amounted to much and what he’s thinking of studying in university next year. Even talks about school and his own plans for university and it’s not 100% comfortable between them but it’s close.

And there are moments – fleeting ones that make hope bloom in his chest – where it’s almost exactly like before.

When he and Isak are leaving later Elias pulls him into a light hug, grip loose enough that Even can get out of it if he wants to, and it feels like- like maybe things might be okay.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Elias tells him, clapping Even’s shoulders before releasing him.

For the first time in a while, Even thinks he’ll answer the next time Elias texts.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked it, friends <3
> 
> as always, you can find me at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) on tumblr :')


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you’re trying to decide who to talk to next, you should- you should pick Yousef.”
> 
> Even raises an eyebrow. “Okay?” he replies, mouth quirking up in confusion. “Why do you say that?”
> 
> Sana’s shoulders hunch defensively and she gives a quick jerk of her head. “I- he talked to me about you a bit and I think everything that happened affected him a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!!! i don't think there's much to say about this chapter tbh? there are some brief, non-descriptive discussions of Even's suicide attempt but nothing any heavier than what's already occurred in previous chapters 
> 
> so, without further ado, i hope you enjoy it <333

**Lørdag 16:00**

Sana is waiting for Even when he finishes his shift at KB on Saturday. She’d texted him the night before after he and Isak had gone home and asked if they could meet up for a while. He’s not sure what she wants to talk about but he thinks a proper conversation between them is probably long overdue.

“Halla,” she says, pushing herself off the wall to greet him when he steps through the door.

Even offers her a warm, “Halla,” in return and takes a sip of his coffee as they fall into step.

They walk to the park in relative silence but Even doesn’t feel uneasy about it. He’s spent so much of the last few weeks panicking he thinks he’s either become desensitised or else all the too-honest conversations he’s had in the last seven days have worn him out.

As they gravitate to a bench Sana seems to decide she’s finally ready to start talking. “What did you tell Isak?”

“That I was meeting you,” Even answers, nonplussed. He has an hour and a half before they’re supposed to be going over to Even’s parents’ place so he and Isak had just planned to meet each other there if things ran late with Sana. “He knows everything now, Sana.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that to sound accusatory-“ she starts to apologise and Even shakes his head.

“It didn’t,” he promises, slightly surprised at her reaction. He takes a moment to appraise her then. He’s starting to think the way she’s seemed a little shrunken in on herself recently and the anxious looks aren’t just to do with his situation with the guys. Sana’s presence has always been so commanding; he’s not used to seeing her like this.

He considers trying to broach the topic, unsure what to say since he knows Sana isn’t exactly the most forthcoming, but she beats him to it before he can.

“What was it like talking to Elias last night?”

For a minute, Even contemplates attempting to bring the conversation back to her but he decides to leave it for now. Maybe she’ll open on her own. “It was good,” he replies. “I- I’ve missed him. And the guys. And it didn’t end up being as terrifying as I thought it would once we actually started talking.”

Sana smiles genuinely, a look of relief washing over her face before she stares down at her feet, and Even can tell she’s close to admitting whatever it is she came here to say. “If you’re trying to decide who to talk to next, you should- you should pick Yousef.”

Even raises an eyebrow. “Okay?” he replies, mouth quirking up in confusion. “Why do you say that?”

Sana’s shoulders hunch defensively and she gives a quick jerk of her head. “I- he talked to me about you a bit and I think everything that happened affected him a lot.”

Even feels himself frown, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach. “Did he, um- how much exactly do you know about what happened last year?”

Sana cringes a bit at the question but still meets his gaze when she answers. “I didn’t know much – I still don’t – I just knew things were getting weird between you and the guys and you stopped coming over as much. Yousef gave me some more details the other week but…I- I know you tried to take your own life,” she confesses quietly, avoiding his gaze for a beat. “Elias couldn’t really hide that part.”

Even inhales sharply and nods, feeling like he’s been sucker punched. He should’ve expected that she’d know about that; it’s not exactly the type of information that’s easily kept quiet. It still makes him feel a bit unbalanced to hear it come from someone else’s mouth though.

Sana eyes him concernedly and Even offers her a shaky smile. “Thank you,” he squeezes out. “For never telling Isak, for hiding everything from him. You shouldn’t have had to and I’m sorry I put you in that position.”

“Even, it wasn’t my place to tell Isak,” she says, expression solemn. “You should get to decide what you share with him. I had no right to take that away from you and I never would have.”

Even smiles, feeling a rush of affection for Sana bloom in his chest. “You’re a really good friend, do you know that?”

Sana blinks, looking taken aback, and she momentarily stiffens before her posture slowly relaxes again and she offers him a small smile. “Thanks.”

“So since when do you talk to Yousef so much?” he asks, hoping to lighten the mood and resisting the urge to fist-pump when Sana ducks her head to hide her quickly pinkening cheeks.

“Uh I don’t, really,” she deflects. “We just- he walked me home one night and we were talking, that’s all.”

Even raises his eyebrows again and gives her a disbelieving, “Uh huh.”

Sana eyes him before huffing and crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s nothing.”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” Even denies, holding up his hands and biting back a smile. “He’s a good choice, though. I mean. Handsome, caring, a good dancer…” He trails off with a wink, laughing when Sana rolls her eyes and fights an embarrassed smile.

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” she sighs after a moment. “He’s not Muslim so-“

“Yes, he is?” Even says, face scrunching up in a frown, and Sana meets his gaze after a faltering pause.

“Not anymore,” she tells him softly. “Not since…”

She doesn’t finish her sentence but Even fills in the blank himself.

“Since me?” he asks incredulously and she nods.

“But why?”

“Ask him the next time you talk to him,” she suggests, pointed enough for Even to take the hint.

“Okay,” he answers faintly, mind reeling at the thought that Yousef could’ve given up his faith because of him. He doesn’t- he’s not sure how he feels about that.

“And- I know you probably know this by now but I’m gonna tell you exactly what I told Isak when he asked.” She takes a moment to compose herself and then she meets his eyes. “I’m not saying the passages you read don’t exist. They exist in most religions. But what’s more important is that Islam says every person is worth the same and should be treated as such. I don’t know what Mikael said to you but don’t let him get away with using religion as an excuse to hide his own fear.”

Even swallows hard around the lump suddenly forming in his throat, heart constricting in his chest as he nods. “Thank you,” he murmurs hoarsely.

Sana regards him for a moment before she inclines her head in return, letting the tension between them fall away.

“Text Yousef,” she advises. “I think he’d really like to talk to you.”

As Even drains the end of his coffee he thinks maybe he will.

* * *

**Tirsdag 1:03**

Even wakes up in the middle of the night to Isak tossing and turning beside him.

He waits through a minute or two of Isak’s restlessness before finally deciding it’s time to intervene. “Isak,” he murmurs, voice gravelly from sleep.

Isak immediately stills beside him at the sound. There’s a beat of silence and then he’s cursing under his breath and rolling back towards Even. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” he whispers.

Even shakes his head even though Isak kind of did. “Can’t sleep?” he asks, reaching out to pull Isak into his arms.

Isak goes willingly, curling close to pillow his head on Even’s chest and releasing a sigh. “Yeah. I’m just stressed and stuff.”

And _that_ makes Even pause. Admittedly, he’s been a little wrapped up in his own turmoil for the last week and a half but has he really not noticed Isak’s insomnia flaring up again? How did he miss this? Guilt and shame knot themselves together in his stomach and he closes his eyes.

“Stressed about what?” he asks softly, running his fingers over Isak’s scalp in the way he knows he likes.

“Just exams,” Isak mumbles. “It’s nothing, Ev.”

Even mentally kicks himself. He’s been leaning on Isak way too much. He’s been so concerned with his own problems he hasn’t even stopped to consider how much this all must be taking its toll on Isak. Isak, who’s already way too hard on himself. Fuck. How selfish can he be? How can he-

“I can hear you thinking from here,” Isak mutters, brushing his lips over Even’s chest. “It’s not your fault, Even.”

“But I’m stressing you out,” he whispers dejectedly, heart squeezing when Isak pushes himself off his chest and sits up. For a terrifying moment, he thinks Isak’s about to climb out of bed and leave but he just reaches over to turn on the bedside lamp.

He turns back to Even then, expression defiant as he takes him in. “You are _not_ stressing me out. Yes, I’m worried about you but of course I am. I’m your boyfriend and you’ve been having a hard couple of weeks. Me working myself up over exams has nothing to do with you.”

Even stares at him for a moment before deciding arguing won’t be worth it so he just nods, exhaling a tiny sigh and reaching up to brush Isak’s curls back off his face. “Can I try to make you feel better though?”

“We need sleep, Even-“

“Which you won’t get if I just turn over now and close my eyes,” Even points out. “Come on, baby. You’ve been helping me so much, let me help you.”

Isak studies his face for a moment before finally relenting. “Okay.”

Even smiles, leaning across him to reach into the drawer of their nightstand. He rummages around for a bit but when he finds what he’s looking for he sits up again, successful. Isak eyes the sharpie in his hand before giving Even a look.

“That’s so not what I thought you were going to pull out of the drawer.”

Even huffs a laugh. “We can do that too,” he promises and Isak rolls his eyes, fighting a bashful smile. “Lie on your stomach, Is. You’re most comfortable that way.”

Isak, finally catching onto what Even intends to do, lies down and rolls over onto his stomach without argument, laying his head in his folded arms across the pillow and exposing his bare back.

Even climbs over him, settling between Isak’s open legs and bracing himself with one elbow on the mattress. He holds the sharpie in his right hand as he surveys Isak’s back, his makeshift canvas for the night.

It’s something Even had picked up on a few months ago, though he’s not really sure if Isak’s realised it. When Isak would get stressed or anxious Even’s go-to reaction was often to hold his hand. One day he’d been in the middle of drawing when Isak had started wringing his hands as he studied for a test, muttering definitions under his breath in an attempt to memorise them. Even had taken his hand when he’d noticed him getting particularly frustrated, just holding it for a minute. But then he’d moved his pen from the page to Isak’s palm and he’d watched in fascination as the tension seemed to bleed out of Isak while Even scribbled tiny doodles over his skin.

Even doesn’t do it very often but he’s done it enough times to test his hypothesis and he knows, for whatever reason, this calms Isak down.

After a moment’s deliberation, he sets the sharpie to Isak’s skin and gets to work. He draws a universe across Isak’s shoulderblades, joining moles and freckles together to make constellations, adding in extra stars here and there and drawing planets around the knobs of Isak’s spine. He’s not sure how long he spends on it, too absorbed in his drawing and the picture coming to life in front of him.

He can hear Isak breathing beneath him, melted into the mattress with his eyes closed, and Even wastes a few more minutes adding random little objects before scrawling “Our universe” beneath it.

He pauses long enough to see if Isak will tell him to keep going but when he hears nothing but Isak’s steady breathing he smiles. He’s asleep.

Reaching for his phone, he snaps a quick picture of Isak’s back because he knows it’ll have to be washed off in the morning – also because he knows Isak will want proof he didn’t just draw a bunch of dicks all over him. He drops his phone back on the nightstand and turns off the lamp, letting himself gently roll off Isak to lie beside him. As he drags the covers back up over them Isak snuffles in his sleep, instinctively moving closer into Even’s space.

Even leans in to kiss his forehead, smoothing a hand over his hair, and counts himself fucking lucky that he has an Isak Valtersen he gets to fall asleep next to every night.

* * *

**Tirsdag 17:43**

Even has been psyching himself up to text Yousef all day.

He’s written and rewritten a text a thousand times but he can’t figure out what he should say. A simple “hey” isn’t enough after a year of radio silence but anything more than that makes Even clam up and exit out of his messenger.

He looks over at Isak who’s _supposed_ to be doing his homework but judging by the amount of pings emanating from his laptop he’s talking to the boys on Facebook. Deliberating for a moment, he decides it can’t hurt to ask.

“Baby?”

“Hm?” Isak responds faintly, barking out a specific kind of laugh that usually means Magnus is being dragged to hell and back.

“If you were gonna text someone you hadn’t spoken to in a year, how would you start that conversation?”

Isak stops laughing at his screen and looks over at Even, eyebrows raised. “Who are you texting?”

“Yousef,” he says, glancing down at his phone and back up again. “Sana said some stuff that made me think it might be good to talk to him.”

Isak nods, tilting his head while he considers Even’s question. “Jonas is really better at texting advice,” he answers thoughtfully before offering Even an encouraging smile. “Maybe just- ask if he wants to catch up?”

Even makes a face. “Do you think that’ll work?”

“It can’t hurt to try.”

Even mulls it over for a minute before taking a breath and turning back to his phone. _Here goes nothing_. He sends the message before he can think about it and promptly drops his phone on the bed in the hopes that he’ll lose it somewhere between the pillows and won’t have to deal with waiting for a reply.

He doesn’t get a lot of time to work himself up though because less than a minute passes before his phone sounds with a notification.

He can feel Isak’s eyes on him as he picks it up and unlocks it again but he forces himself to look at the screen anyway.

Even: _Hey, I know it’s been a while but I thought maybe we could catch up if you’re not busy?_

Yousef: _Of course I want to meet up with you, dude! What are your plans tomorrow? I’m finished work at 14:00_

Even feels himself start to smile and, ignoring the slight trepidation in his chest, he writes a reply.

Even: _I’m finished school at 15:00, we can get coffee?_

Yousef: _Sick! Meet you at KB :)_

“What did he say?” Isak asks, breaking him out of his reverie.

Even looks up from his phone, unsure whether he wants to smile or not. “I’m meeting him tomorrow.”

In the end, Isak smiles _for_ him, getting out of his chair and coming over to sit beside Even. He puts a hand on Even’s shoulder, squeezing lightly, before leaning their temples together. “It’ll be okay.”

Even really hopes so.

* * *

**Onsdag 15:13**

He and Yousef have been sitting in KB for about ten minutes so far, drinks in front of them as they engage in pointless conversation about the weather. Even wants to say something, feels like he owes it to Yousef to be the one to broach a meaningful topic, but he has no idea what to say.

Eventually, he just decides to bite the bullet and blurt it out.

“Sana said you gave up your faith because of me.”

Yousef pauses with his coffee halfway to his mouth. He looks at Even with an inscrutable expression and sets his cup down again. He mulls over his response for so long Even can feel himself getting antsy, hands twisting in his lap and leg jiggling beneath the table.

After what feels like far too long, Yousef sighs and looks down. “It’s not because of you entirely,” he says quietly. “It’s- what happened with you was just finally the thing that made me start to question everything.”

“I never meant for you to do that,” Even mumbles, guilt welling up inside him at the thought of taking this away from him.

Yousef looks up at that, expression surprised as his eyebrows knit together. “Even, I know that. Everything that happened wasn’t your fault. I just hated the thought that something I always viewed as being about love and being a good person could hurt you that much.”

Even’s heart clenches in his chest at the sight of Yousef’s pained expression and he tries to figure out a way to explain it. A way for them both to maybe make peace with what happened at Elvebakken. “I’m bipolar,” he tells him. “Everything that happened last year happened because I was manic. Islam and what Mikael said- I- I don’t even know if I would’ve fixated on it so much if I hadn’t been.”

“It still doesn’t change the fact we almost lost you because of it,” Yousef says, voice quietly defiant, and Even sucks in a breath.

He doesn’t really know what to say to that. He never anticipated that any of the boys would be so affected by his suicide attempt. Then again, he’s been assuming the entire time that they stopped wanting to be friends with him ever since his episode. He’s let himself believe that that would’ve been enough to repel them and erase the care they’d had for him before.

He’s starting to think it was really fucking stupid to think like that.

“Anyway,” Yousef exhales. “Don’t blame yourself, okay? I’ve thought about it a lot over the past year and it’s my decision and I’ve- I’ve made my peace with it.”

Even can’t even fathom what a difficult decision that would be to make and he’s not sure if he entirely believes Yousef when he says he’s happy about it but he nods nonetheless.

They stay quiet for a beat and Even takes a nervous sip of his coffee, unsure of how to make the conversation move forward after such weighty confessions, but then Yousef speaks.

“Did Sana tell you I work in a kindergarten now?”

Even takes the subject change for what it is and lets himself smile. “No, she didn’t. Tell me about it.”

Yousef’s expression lights up and he immediately starts off on a tangent about how he got the job and how great the kids are and Even feels himself settle in his seat. He’s missed this.

He’s missed this _so much._ And he’s finally starting to think he might be able to have it back.

* * *

 

**Onsdag 20:01**

Even: _Thank you for telling me to talk to Yousef. We had coffee today_

Sana: _How did it go?_

Even: _We had a really good talk_

Sana: _That’s so great to hear, Even. I know it probably meant a lot to him too_

Even: _:)_

_Anyway, do you want to come over to mine and Isak’s for dinner on Friday? As a thank you_

Sana: _Even, I’m fasting_

_Even: I know. We can have dinner really late :P_

_Pleeease. I’ll stop by the halal butchers on the way home from work, Sana, come on!!!!_

_We need to celebrate you and Isak getting 6’s on your mock exam on Friday!_

Sana: _I’m getting a 6. I don’t know about your boyfriend_

Even: _Hey Isak’s a genius :(_

Sana: _Fine, I’ll be there_

_Thank you_

Even: _See you then! :D_

* * *

**Torsdag 15:30**

“How are you feeling this week, Even?” Margo asks, and he thinks he’s starting to be able to pick out the care that’s usually hidden in her questions. He could never hear it in the beginning.

“I’m- I think I had a good week,” he answers with something of a self-deprecating smile. “I talked to two of my old friends.”

Margo’s mouth curves up into a smile almost instantly. “That’s excellent, Even. You should be very proud of yourself for doing that. I know I am.”

Even feels himself preen a little and nods.

“How did it go?”

“Good,” he breathes. “With Elias, Isak was with me and Sana was there too so it helped a lot. I wasn’t thrown into it that way, y’know? And I felt like I could leave whenever I needed to.”

Margo nods in approval, gesturing for him to keep going.

“We talked a bit about last year and cleared the air. We mostly just stuck to lighter topics but it felt really nice being able to talk to him again.”

“Do you think you could still be friends with him?”

“I hope so?” Even says uncertainly. “It- It was a start. And I’m really glad I did it. Then I met Yousef yesterday and we- it was kind of the same thing, really. We cleared things up a little and then kind of just focused on catching up. But it felt good. I know we’ll need to have more conversations about it. But that doesn’t seem as scary anymore.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Margo tells him. “Those conversations are going to be difficult regardless of how many of your old friends you choose to let back into your life but I’m really proud of you for taking the first step. And with all the progress you’ve been making I have no doubt you have the strength to do this.”

Even blinks, feeling taken aback, before letting his lips drift up into a smile. “Thank you.”

They talk about Elias and Yousef for a little while longer after that. He goes into detail about what his friendship was like with the both of them before and how that feeling, while fleeting, was still there now. He also talks to her extensively about Yousef not practicing Islam anymore as a result of Even’s episode.

It’s complicated and he’s not entirely sure how he feels about it yet but Margo helps assuage his guilt somewhat.

Towards the end of the session, she asks the question he’s been avoiding in his head all week. “Have you considered reaching out to Mikael?”

He _has_ , is the thing.

He has so many times in the last year but the thought of doing so makes his stomach churn. He has no idea how Mikael feels about him now. He has no idea how to ever possibly repair the friendship they once had. He has no fucking idea.

“I don’t know,” he mutters evasively, keeping his gaze firmly on Margo’s desk.

“You don’t have to, Even,” Margo tells him gently. “Rightly or wrongly, Mikael is associated with a very traumatic part of your life. One you’re only just starting to work through. It’s understandable if you don’t feel ready to talk to him. But you told me once that you never felt like you got closure over what happened between you two. I think it could be beneficial for you to talk when you’re ready.”

“Maybe,” Even allows, voice hesitant.

Margo appraises him for a moment and nods. “Just think about it.”

* * *

**Torsdag: 17:00**

Even gets home to find Isak at their desk studying. It’s pretty much been his permanent place of residence for the last week but Even can tell his stress levels are up a little with his biology exam tomorrow.

Even’s had a couple of his own exams this week already with the rest coming up next week and he’s surprised at how well they’ve gone so far. Study has proven to be something of a good distraction over the last week or two. It’s one of the rare times he’s managed to just compartmentalise and forget all about his stress for an hour or two while he focuses on his work.

It helps that when they’re not making eyes at each other Isak is actually a really good study partner.

“Hi,” Even says after he’s dropped his bag, bracing a hand on the back of Isak’s chair and leaning down to kiss his cheek.

“Mm hi,” Isak greets, leaning back in his chair so his head rests against Even’s stomach as he stretches his arms. “How’d your session go?”

“It was good,” Even replies, hands falling to Isak’s shoulders and absently rubbing away the tense spots there. “We talked about Elias and Yousef mostly.”

Isak hums, more likely at Even’s hands than his words, but his voice is serious when he speaks. “I’m so proud of you for talking to them, baby. I know it wasn’t easy.”

Even feels himself smile, warmth spreading throughout his chest as Isak leans into him a little more. “Thank you for helping me.”

“Nah, that bravery was all you,” Isak murmurs before slipping out from underneath Even’s hands and standing up. Stepping around his chair, he comes to rest in front of Even, hands sliding over Even’s shoulders.

“Wanna make dinner together?”

Even raises his eyebrows. “You mean you’re actually going to help me?”

“Fuck you, I help!” Isak exclaims indignantly before he surrenders to a laugh at Even’s sceptical look, locking his arms around Even’s neck. “I’ll help properly this time.”

Even laughs, tightening his arms around Isak’s waist. An hour or so spent cooking with Isak and making out in the kitchen sounds exactly like what he needs. “Come on, let’s go. I bought pizza bases the other day. We can make our own.”

“A man after my own heart,” Isak sighs airily before grinning and darting in to kiss him.

Even responds happily, only breaking the kiss when his smile becomes too big for their lips to meet properly.

And then he’s letting Isak tow him down the hall into the kitchen. It’s something like domestic bliss.

* * *

**Fredag 22:05**

Even is in the middle of preparing dinner, idly listening to Sana and Isak talk in the living room through the open door.

They’d been in here with him at first, offering their help and company but the kitchen barely fits him and Isak, not to mind all three of them while trying to cook a meal. So he’d shooed them off to the living room and promised it’d be ready the second Sana was able to break her fast. They’d been talking about biology at first, going over their exam today, and Even had mostly tuned them out but still smiled fondly to himself at how invested they both were in the conversation.

It’s when Even is opening the oven to turn the meat, however, that he hears a lull in conversation and Sana speaks after a prolonged pause.

“Can I ask you something?” she says and Even stills at how hesitant she sounds. That’s not like her.

“Sure, what’s up?” comes Isak’s unassuming response.

Realising there’s not much left for him to do in the kitchen until the food is ready to be plated up, Even considers joining them in the living room but he doesn’t want to interrupt their conversation. Then again, eavesdropping in the kitchen isn’t a great option either.

Sana is in the middle of her question when Even comes through the door and she cuts herself off when she notices him, looking from him to Isak with an unsure expression on her face.

“Everything okay?” Even asks cautiously.

Sana blows out a breath and nods her head. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’d be able to help with this too actually.”

Even frowns but joins them where they’re sitting on the floor between the coffee table and the couch.

Sana seems to deliberate for a moment before she finally directs her question at Isak. “When you’re hanging out with the boys, do they ever…unintentionally make you feel left out?”

Even feels his eyebrows furrow deeper. He’s got an inkling as to why Sana’s asking this.

Isak shrugs next to him. “Yeah, not so much now, but before I came out,” he answers honestly. “They never really meant to. I mean, they didn’t _know_. But sometimes it felt like the only thing they ever talked about was girls and sex with girls and how to hook up with girls and I couldn’t relate to any of that, y’know?

“And after they knew?” Sana asks, chewing on her lip.

Even catches Isak frown out of the corner of his eye but he still answers. “Not really? I mean, Mags asks dumb questions sometimes or says ignorant things but he’s way better with that now. They- things actually got a lot better once they knew. Partly because I was less closed off but also because they really made an effort to include me then. Like, yeah they still talk about girls but they also always make sure to ask me about Even or keep me involved somehow. And one of them usually notices if the girl talk is going on too long and changes the subject.”

Jonas is the one that does that the most often. Even’s noticed too. He’s been secretly appreciative of it for Isak’s sake for months.

Sana nods but it doesn’t look like she’s had any of her questions answered.

“Why do you ask?” Even asks softly and she looks at him, lips slightly downturned.

“The girls- just- sometimes it’s like they _forget_ that things are different for me or they say things that are just-“ Sana cuts herself off, staring down at her hands before returning her gaze to Even. “Like, when you asked me over for dinner tonight. You offered to wait until I was finished fasting and went to the effort of getting halal meat and I know you know all of this stuff because you were friends with Elias and them for so long but we’ve been friends for nearly two years and they just- they still don’t understand it.”

Even gives her a sympathetic nod. He knows the girls aren’t malicious and that they love Sana. But ignorance can be just as painful as outright hatred sometimes. He’s also not sure either he or Isak are the most qualified to offer advice in this particular instance but he’s just glad she’s actually talking to someone.

“I know they care about me,” Sana murmurs. “Like, when we found out Sara planned to kick me off the bus, they rallied around me straight away and had my back 100% but- it’s the little things,” she finishes, voice trailing off desolately.

“Have they ever asked you about Islam?” Even asks.

Sana shrugs, eyeing at the coffee table. “Not really.”

“Call them out,” Isak says beside him, startling them both. When he’s met with Sana’s blank expression, he continues. “I’m serious, Sana. They’re your friends and if they’re making you uncomfortable they should know. If it’s not on purpose then they’ll apologise and change their behaviour.”

For a brief moment Even allows himself to feel proud of how far Isak’s come. Isak, who used to internalise every homophobic or ignorant comment he heard, now telling Sana to stand up for herself and not let people get away with treating her badly.

“You really think I should?” Sana asks and that hesitant tone is back. Even doesn’t like it.

“Yeah, Sana,” Even cuts in. “Ask to meet them and sit down and have a real conversation about it. They need to know how they’re making you feel.”

Isak nods in agreement. “You know when I came out, Jonas pulled me aside one day and apologised for every dumbass comment he’d ever made? Even back from when we were like fourteen or fifteen? I never asked him to do that but it meant so fucking much to me that he did. Talk to them.”

Sana nods to herself before smiling at them both. “Thanks,” she says. “I know we’re not all going through the same stuff but it’s nice to have someone kind of get it.”

Even is about to reply when the oven timer and Sana’s phone go off at the same time.

“I think it’s time for you to eat,” he says with a wink and Sana’s smile finally widens to show off her dimples – he’s secretly glad to see it back.

“Babe,” he says to Isak as he pushes himself up off the floor. “Can you get drinks and stuff? I’ll get the plates ready.”

“Sure,” Isak answers, offering Sana a fist bump before scrambling to stand up and follow.

“Sana, you can pray in our room if you want?” Even offers over his shoulder. “We’ll have everything ready when you’re finished.”

Later, when they’re all gathered around the coffee table again, sitting on the floor tucking into their food and carrying out an easy conversation, Even is sure. A night like this is just what they all need.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :') you can find me on tumblr at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is in the middle of obnoxiously cheering Isak on a few minutes later in the hopes of making Jonas lose his concentration when his phone buzzes loudly on the bedside table. 
> 
> “Babe, is that mine?” Isak asks distractedly over his shoulder.
> 
> “Think it’s mine,” Even answers, reaching over and grabbing his phone. He presses the home button with one eye still on the TV but he freezes when he realises who’s been texting him.
> 
> Mikael: _Hey Even. Elias and Yousef told me they talked to you recently and I was just wondering if we could meet up? I’m not trying to push you and it’s fine if you don’t want to but please, man. I really want to talk to you. Let me know_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An here's the big one!!! I know quite a few of you have been waiting for this, i hope it lives up to your expectations :')
> 
> The final scene is also based on a prompt that I got from an anon where Even and Yousef compare flirting tactics haha so shoutout to you anon!! i hope you like it :D
> 
> Enjoy, my friends <3

  **Sondag 14:37**

“Goal! Goal! Fuck- _Jonas!”_

“It’s not my fault you’re shit!” Jonas retorts, cackling when Mahdi attempts to elbow him while his fingers still move furiously over the controller.

Even huffs a laugh at the colourful smack talk flying between them while Magnus is ribbing them both from where he’s stretched out on the bed behind them. Isak’s sitting beside Even, legs tucked up and his back against the wall while he half-leans against Even’s side.

His and Isak’s lazy Sunday has been extended to include Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi for a Fifa tournament but Even can’t even think of being bothered about the interruption. He hasn’t laughed this much in a while. Honestly, they should probably all be studying with exams next week but he figures a break for a couple of hours could do them all some good.

“Isak, you’re up,” Mahdi calls, sighing wistfully at the score on the screen that reads 7-5 to Jonas.

Isak grins, darting in to kiss Even’s cheek before he climbs over Magnus and takes Mahdi’s vacated seat. Mahdi plops himself down in Isak’s spot and immediately steals some of Even’s chips, offering him a sunny smile when Even raises his eyebrows.

Even is in the middle of obnoxiously cheering Isak on a few minutes later in the hopes of making Jonas lose his concentration when his phone buzzes loudly on the bedside table.

“Babe, is that mine?” Isak asks distractedly over his shoulder.

“Think it’s mine,” Even answers, reaching over and grabbing his phone. He presses the home button with one eye still on the TV but he freezes when he realises who’s been texting him.

Mikael: _Hey Even. Elias and Yousef told me they talked to you recently and I was just wondering if we could meet up? I’m not trying to push you and it’s fine if you don’t want to but please, man. I really want to talk to you. Let me know_

Even’s not sure what it is that makes it obvious he must be close to hyperventilating but suddenly Magnus isn’t starfished out on their bed anymore and Isak is kneeling in front of him, game paused on the TV. Even looks at Isak with confusion in his eyes and Isak answers his silent question.

“You didn’t answer when I called your name,” he murmurs, hand trailing over Even’s neck and cupping his jaw. “And you’ve gone all pale.”

Even can see the other boys sitting behind Isak, watching him concernedly but still giving him space. “Mikael text me,” he mumbles.

Isak’s thumb pauses for the length of a breath from where it’d been tracing over Even’s cheek but just as quickly he resumes. “What did he say?”

“He wants to meet up.”

“Who’s Mikael?” Mahdi asks tentatively.

Even glances at the boys again, keenly aware that they don’t know the full story. He doesn’t have the energy to get into the whole thing right now but he’s pretty sure they’ll accept the bare minimum without pushing. “He’s one of my old friends,” Even answers quietly, watching their shifting expressions as they seem to consider what they should say next.

Isak moves out of the way a little so Even can see everyone better, taking up residence beside him to lean his chin on Even’s shoulder and hold one of Even’s hands in both of his.

“But you hung out with a couple of them last week, right?” Jonas asks and Even feels faintly touched when he sees Jonas is wearing the worried frown he usually reserves for Isak.

“Yeah but-“ Even heaves a breath and stares down at his and Isak’s hands. “This is different. Me and Mikael were like…like you and Isak,” he says to Jonas and the others nod in understanding. “And what happened between us is a lot more complicated than what happened between me and the rest of the guys.”

No one speaks for a minute – Even is pretty sure none of them know what to say – but then Magnus meets his gaze.

“Do you _want_ to meet him though?”

And a part of him…a part of him is _desperate_ to. He just wants to fucking understand. He wants to stop feeling this fucking horrible, twisting feeling in his stomach every time he thinks of Mikael. Whether that means fixing things or never speaking again, he just wants to find some kind of peace with what happened. He wants to get over it. And he’s not sure how to do that without talking to Mikael.

“I think so,” he utters after a moment. “But- it’s- I’m-“

“We could come with you,” Magnus offers when Even’s stutters fall away to nothing.

Even starts at the suggestion and the shock must show on his face because Mahdi immediately jumps in.

“Mags is right. We could totally all be there if it’d make you feel better.”

And it’s- they’re so _good_. Even is stupidly fucking happy these are the people Isak chose to surround himself with. And he’s stupidly happy he gets to be a part of their lives now too.

“Thank you,” he says earnestly, making sure to meet each of their gazes, and he can feel Isak smiling softly against his shoulder. “But I think this is probably something I should do on my own.”

“We’ve got your back though, okay?” Jonas says. “We’ll text you while you’re with him and if it’s too much or you don’t feel good just pretend we’re texting you about an emergency or something and you can bail.”

“You’d do that?”

The question is out before Even can even consciously think it and it has all three of them sending him supportive smiles and clapping him on the shoulder not currently occupied by Isak.

After a round of affirmations from each of them and a quiet, “I’ll pick you up afterwards,” murmured into his shirt by Isak, the boys turn back to Fifa to give him the privacy to text back. Isak stays next to him but Even’s glad to have the anchor honestly.

Even: _Hey. Yeah we can talk, I think it’s probably about time we did_

Even presses send and tries not to let the pounding of his heart drown out the boys’ joking and Isak’s quiet breathing beside him.

With the four of them by his side, he can do this.

* * *

**Mandag 15:59**

The park has never felt more foreboding to Even than it does right now. He can see Mikael sitting on a bench from where he’s standing, with his back to Even and his head bowed, likely looking down at his phone. Mikael was always the type to pretend to be on his phone whenever he felt too awkward sitting on his own.

The way the little tidbit of information immediately makes its way to the forefront of Even’s mind makes him pause for a minute to take a breath. So much. They know so much about each other and all that information has been useless for the past year. But a part of him wonders if all that information even matters when he considers the fact they never really knew each other’s biggest secrets.

Forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other, he makes his way to the bench. His chest is constricting and making it hard to breathe and his hands are trembling in his jacket pockets but he gets there. He gets there and feels like he’s about to collapse when he’s finally faced with Mikael’s gaze.

“Hi,” Mikael breathes, eyes wide like he hadn’t actually expected Even to show up.

“Hi,” Even mumbles, taking a seat a careful distance away from Mikael. It’s nothing compared to the metaphorical distance between them for the past year.

He catches Mikael opening and closing his mouth a couple of times from the corner of his eye but no sound makes it past his lips. Even isn’t strong enough to make the first move in this case. With Elias or Yousef, maybe. But now he’s just- he’s lucky he’s even able to remain upright.

“Even, _I’m so fucking sorry_ ,” Mikael pushes out in a rush, looking up at Even with a devastated expression. And that- Even doesn’t really expect that.

Even stares at him, unsure of what to say. But Mikael continues before he has a chance to come up with anything.

“I hate myself for what happened,” he says, voice harsh and thick with emotion. “I can’t believe what I did to you. I can’t believe I fucking let things get that far, I should’ve _helped_ you.”

“Mikael, I-“ Even stutters, fumbling for some kind of coherent response. “I was manic and I was undiagnosed. Nobody could’ve stopped that from happening.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Mikael denies vehemently. “Fucking hell, _you almost died,_ Even.” He swallows hard after he says it, choking on the words and blinking back tears. “All because I was too afraid of my own fucking feelings to notice how much you were hurting.”

Even closes his eyes, feeling them burn but refusing to let any tears fall, and takes a steadying breath. He only opens his eyes again when Mikael’s words register with him. “What do you mean feelings?” he asks, voice so quiet he’s not even sure Mikael hears him.

He does though and he immediately looks down, bouncing his leg in a nervous habit. “I’m gay,” he whispers and Even’s world crashes down around him.

“When you kissed me,” Mikael mutters weakly. “I- I was so fucking scared and I wasn’t ready and I still had barely admitted it to myself and you just- it made it too real. And I panicked.”

He meets Even’s gaze then, expression solemn, and Even is reeling. He can’t- he didn’t make it up? It hadn’t been all in his head?

“What I said to you,” Mikael continues. “It’s what I’d been telling myself the whole time. And I- Even, there’s not a fucking day goes by that I don’t despise myself for hurting you like that. For not only hurting you, but not being brave enough to save you afterwards when you needed me. It’s the worst thing I ever did and I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to make it better.”

“It’s okay,” Even finds himself saying. And it’s not. Not entirely. Because at the end of the day, kissing Mikael was a catalyst and no matter what happens that’s always going to be true. But he also knows Mikael could’ve never predicted this, could never have imagined his reaction would’ve affected Even the way it did. And knowing- knowing now how much Mikael was obviously struggling with his own sexuality…none of it is simple.

And he’s tired. He’s so fucking tired of feeling like this. He wants them to move on. He doesn’t want to forget it happened but he also just wants to let it be. He doesn’t want to ruin himself over it anymore.

So when Mikael whispers a shocked, “It can’t be,” Even shakes his head.

“Mik…it- you couldn’t have known that was going to happen to me. _I_ didn’t know it was going to happen to me. And I can blame myself and you can blame yourself but it’s not going to change the fact that it happened but I _survived_. We both did and I just- I’m sick of hating myself for it. You should be too.”

Mikael sniffles, wiping hastily at his eyes and Even is surprised to find his own eyes still dry. He’s not sure where he’s pulling his own strength from but he’s clinging to it with everything he has.

“I’ve been working so hard to get better and I _am_ better. I feel so much better and feeling better means figuring out how to move on from this. I really, really want to move on from this,” he confesses, voice quietly beseeching as he takes Mikael in.

Mikael takes a second but he nods, rapidly, with his throat bobbing. “I want that too. I miss you, Even. I want- I don’t know if we can be friends like before but I want to be in your life again. I want to talk to you again.”

“I want that,” Even mumbles. And they’re not healed yet, not even close, but he thinks someday – maybe even someday soon – it won’t hurt as much anymore.

The silence that falls between them is heavy but he thinks they need it. They need a moment to breathe and digest what’s just happened.

“Do any of the boys know?” Even asks after a few minutes.

“Adam does,” Mikael replies before letting out a half-hearted laugh. “I got really drunk one night and hooked up with some guy. I called him when I couldn’t figure out how to get home.”

Even smiles because he thinks that’s what Mikael wants from him now.

“I want to tell them,” he continues, blowing out a breath. “I just- don’t really know what to say.”

“You know they won’t look at you any differently.” And Even is the world’s biggest fucking hypocrite because half the reason he cut off contact with the boys is because he was afraid of their reaction to him being pan. But after his sessions with Margo and talking to Elias and Yousef he knows he was wrong to think that.

“I know,” Mikael says, smiling tightly. “I just keep trying to find the right moment.”

Even nods and they go quiet again.

“What’s um- your boyfriend-“

“Isak,” Even tells him and Mikael repeats the name to himself under his breath.

“What’s he like?”

Even smiles and it has no trouble spreading across his face now. It’s his Isak smile. “He’s amazing,” he murmurs, ducking his head to point his grin at his hands. “I have no idea how I would’ve made it through the past few months without him.”

Mikael looks relieved when Even looks up again, nodding to himself. “Sana said he makes you really happy.”

“He does,” Even agrees.

“That’s good,” Mikael nods. “I know things between you and Sonja weren’t always great so- I’m glad you found him.”

Even spares a rueful smile at the mention of Sonja. He thinks about it sometimes. He and Sonja had actually been on the verge of breaking up before his episode but she couldn’t leave him after that. So they’d stayed together and the resentment grew and she’d become controlling and he’d become surly. But once, a long time ago, they’d been happy.

Even’s phone interrupts the calm between them and he pulls it out of his pocket to find a text from Isak.

Isak: _I’m almost at the park. Text me if you want me to wait a while, love you <3_

He doesn’t text back, can already feel the vestiges of tiredness encroaching on the corners of his mind. He’s glad he met Mikael. He’s glad they talked. But he’s not sure how much longer he can sit here without crumpling.

Isak arrives two minutes after his text, coming to a stop next to the bench and clearing his throat to make them both look up. Isak smiles at him – quick and private – and when Even lifts a hand he takes it, squeezing lightly.

“Mikael, this is Isak,” Even introduces, turning back around on the bench in time to see Mikael pull a grin onto his face and shake Isak’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, man,” he says sincerely and Even feels something like excitement tingle in his veins at the thought of them getting along one day.

“You too,” Isak answers. He releases Mikael’s hand after a moment and looks down at Even. “You ready to go?”

Even nods and looks back to Mikael. “We should-“

“We should hang out,” Mikael finishes for him when Even’s voice gets stuck in his throat. “Answer my texts this time, yeah?”

Even nods again and Mikael studies his face for a moment before reaching over and squeezing his shoulder. He stands then, smiling at them both before walking away. Even watches him go and tries to remind himself to breathe, the realisation of what he just did hitting him all at once.

He feels Isak’s arm come around him, lips pressed against Even’s temple as Even releases a ragged breath.

“Let’s go home, baby.”

* * *

**Mandag 18:07**

Isak orders a pizza when they get home and then puts on Pretty Woman and lets Even lie with his head in his lap.

Truthfully, Even feels so in over his head after his conversation with Mikael that all he can really focus on is Isak’s fingers trailing through his hair and the warmth of Isak’s thigh beneath his cheek but he appreciates Isak putting on the movie for him in the first place.

He feels overwhelmed, still trying to make sense of their conversation and the feelings that arose inside him as a result of it. At the same time, he sort of just wants to compartmentalise and wait to talk to Margo about it on Thursday before he tries to make sense of it. Isak had asked him once on the tram ride home if it went okay and didn’t push after Even had said that it did. Instead he’d just said a hushed, “I’m glad,” and kissed Even’s hand.

He really doesn’t know what he’d do without Isak.

He doesn’t know how to thank him. He doesn’t know how to make it up to him for all the ways he propped Even up in the past month and a half. He’s been there every step of the way, never pushing, never arguing with him, just holding Even’s hand so he wouldn’t feel alone.

Even is hopelessly in love with him.

“Isak?”

“Yeah?” Isak’s fingers tickle over his scalp and Even wants to hold him for the rest of his life.

He shifts onto his back so he’s looking up at Isak and he feels his mouth lift in a small smile. “I love you.”

Isak’s gaze softens and he leans down, pressing a kiss sideways across Even’s lips. “I love you too.”

Even sits up with him as he moves, shifting until he’s kneeling in front of Isak and dancing his fingers over Isak’s jaw. Isak’s eyes are flickering all over his face but they drift shut as Even leans in to connect their lips. It’s blissful – every kiss between them is – and Even is suddenly deaf to the movie playing behind him, is only concerned with coaxing little soft sighs out of Isak as he melts into the kiss. Nothing can clear his head like this.

They move without detaching their lips – Isak lies down on his back, hands clutching Even to pull him down over him, and Even moves until chests and hips align and their legs tangle. He uses his hands on Isak’s jaw to guide the kiss, licks into his mouth and rolls their foreheads together until Isak is making quiet sounds in the back of his throat.

Isak’s hands travel over his back, tugging Even’s t-shirt with it and he sits back on his haunches long enough to drag it over his head, shivering when Isak’s hands coast over his bare skin to reel him in again.

“Even,” Isak mumbles, and it seems more like an idle thought than anything else but it still makes Even’s spine tingle.

Even kisses his lips, draws them apart until Isak’s sighing airily and then moves onto his neck. “Let me take care of you,” he whispers, breath fanning over Isak’s pulse point and making him shiver.

It’s a series of vignettes after that. Close up shots that pull together to create something profound.

Him slowly pushing his hands up Isak’s sides and drawing his shirt up with it while smudging kisses across Isak’s torso.

Clumsily shuffling out of their sweatpants and giggling into each other’s mouths when Even’s foot gets stuck in the cuff.

Bruising kisses and soothing brushes of lips that mingle together so much it’s impossible to tell them apart anymore.

His fingers trailing over every inch of Isak’s skin that he can reach, leaving goosebumps in their wake and making Isak’s breath quicken against his cheek.

Working Isak open and pushing into him so slowly they both hold their breath.

Whispered, “I love you”s and, “You’re beautiful”s and, “Don’t stop”s that sink into their skin like they’re imprinted there.

And when it’s over – when Isak crashes over the edge and drags Even with him – he thinks this is the part in the movie where he’s supposed to have a cigarette with the sheet draped lazily over his lap. But this isn’t a movie and Isak is real and _this_ is real so he cleans them up and gathers Isak to his chest and they kiss.

And they kiss and they kiss and they kiss.

Wrapped up in their blanket, wrapped up in each other, and Even thinks this is the one thing that’ll never end in tragedy.

* * *

**Tirsdag 16:21**

Even is in the work the next day when Isak and Eva amble through the door together, laughing loudly and making Even’s mood immediately lift. (Isak tends to have that effect on him.)

They make their way up to the counter and Isak plants his hands on top of it when he arrives. “Hey, so I heard there was a really hot barista working here, could you maybe go get him for me?”

Even smirks, raising his eyebrows. “Oh yeah, Nils with the face tattoo? Let me just-“

Isak doesn’t let him finish his sentence, curling his fingers in the front of Even’s apron and reeling him in for a kiss.

Even moves willingly, humming contently against his lips.

“Lise’s not here, is she?” Isak mumbles, barely detaching their lips long enough to ask the question.

Even manages a minute shake of his head before proceeding to plant a series of tiny little pecks all over Isak’s lips. It’s only when Eva clears his throat that they actually separate.

“Hi Eva,” he greets sweetly and Eva offers him a suggestive grin back.

“Do I get the same customer treatment?”

“Sorry, loyalty cared holders only,” Isak answers smoothly and Even snorts.

“What can I get you?”

They head to a table once Even has made their coffees but Eva darts back up to the counter almost as soon as they sit down. She asks Even for napkins first but when he hands them over she hovers, biting her lip anxiously.

“Isak told you we’re having a party at Chris’ place for my birthday on Friday, right?”

Even nods. “Yeah. Thanks for the invite, by the way.”

Eva gives him a look that plainly reads as _Of course you’re invited_ and Even tries to hold back his grin. But then her expression turns serious. “We were thinking of inviting Sana’s brother and his friends since we get along with them pretty well but with everything that’s happened- I just wanted to know if you’d be okay with that?”

Even blinks in surprise. He appreciates the head’s up and doesn’t feel quite so panicked at the thought of them going as he thought he would but he still hadn’t expected Eva to actually ask him. “Eva, it’s your birthday. You can invite who you want.”

Eva huffs like he’s being purposefully obtuse. “Even, I’m not gonna invite them if it’ll make you uncomfortable. You’re my friend first.”

Even’s heart squeezes in his chest as he’s reminded once again that he needs to stop referring to everyone as Isak’s friends. They’re his now too and he feels so unbelievably lucky to have them.

“You can invite them, I don’t mind,” he tells her. “But thank you for asking.”

Eva grins and offers him a soldier’s salute. “Thank _you_ for the napkins.” With that, she strides back to Isak who’s watching the two of them with a bemused expression on his face.

He lights up when he meets Even’s gaze, blowing him a kiss and succeeding in making Even feel like he’s about to melt into a puddle of goo right here in the middle of the coffee shop.

He blows a kiss back and gets back to work.

It’s a good shift.

* * *

**Onsdag 17:33**

**Sana:** _I just wanted to let you both know I talked to the girls_

_Like properly talked to them_

_I think everything is okay now_

_Thank you for letting me ramble on Friday_

**Isak:** _what are best buds for? I’m glad everything worked out <3_

**Even:** _that’s so great Sana, I’m so happy they listened_

_And you can always ramble to us <3_

**Sana:** _< 3_

* * *

**Torsdag 15:30**

“I saw Mikael on Monday.”

Margo stills in front of him, lips pursed as she takes him in. “How did it go?”

Even feels tears sting behind his eyes as everything rushes over him at once. He’s been trying to suppress it all since Monday, hasn’t let himself dwell on their conversation for longer than a few seconds, trying desperately to focus on exams and work and Isak. It’s worked for the most part but now that he finally has to talk about it he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

Margo must sense his distress because her soothing voice cuts through the blood rushing in his ears. “Why don’t you tell me what happened first and then we’ll talk about how it made you feel?”

Even swallows hard and takes a breath. “Yeah, okay,” he mumbles, trying to clear his head enough to tell the story with something akin to detachment. “He text me on Sunday asking if we could meet up and I panicked a bit but Isak and the guys- they helped me and I agreed to meet him.

“We met at the park and he apologised for what happened. He- he told me he was gay,” he admits lowly, feeling somewhat guilty at telling Mikael’s secret even if it means nothing to Margo beyond how it effects Even. “That’s why- that’s why he freaked out when I kissed him, y’know? Because he hadn’t come to terms with it yet. I think he blames himself for everything that happened but…we talked everything out, I think. Or, as much as we could after seeing each other again for the first time in a year.”

Margo regards him for a moment and Even feels vulnerable under her gaze, like she can see every emotion swirling around in his head.

“How did you feel when you found out Mikael was gay?”

Even runs his tongue over his teeth, brow furrowed, and he considers lying but he doesn’t know how much good it would do. “Angry, kind of?”

“Why?” Margo asks, not judgemental, just wondering.

“Because- because,” Even shifts as he tries to find the right words. “I felt like I was crazy when I thought Mikael had feelings for me. For so long, I just thought it was a by-product of the mania and that’s why I thought he was attracted to me. And I know just because he’s gay doesn’t necessarily mean he ever _did_ have feelings for me but…”

“The chances of him reciprocating and you reading the situation correctly are much higher now than they seemed before,” she fills in for him and he nods.

“I know trying to kiss him when I was hypomanic wasn’t the best decision but I can’t help feeling like _I_ wasn’t totally wrong when I thought we liked each other and- I’m angry that I spent so long convincing myself it was my brain working against me when it might not have been.”

“Did you ask him if he had feelings for you?”

Even shakes his head. “I think I was kind of afraid of his answer, honestly.”

“Do you think you still might have feelings for Mikael?” Margo asks gently and Even reels back before he can stop himself.

“ _No_ ,” he says with conviction. “No. I know I don’t. What I have with Isak- it’s more than I ever could’ve imagined and more than I ever could’ve believed I’d get to have. I love him so much, nothing- I’ve never felt anything like that before. He’s the only one I want.”

Margo has a tiny smile on her face when he finishes. “I was just checking.”

Even huffs out a brief laugh, closing his eyes.

“How do you feel about the entire situation now though?” she asks then. “Besides the anger. With this new information, does it make it easier or more difficult to forgive Mikael?”

Even sighs as he considers the question. “Easier, I think? I told him it was okay and that he shouldn’t blame himself. That we should both move on.”

“That was very mature of you,” she observes. “Brave too.”

Even shrugs half-heartedly. “I just- I think I know now that what he said had less to do with me and more to do with him. And- he was _scared_. I get that. He had no way of knowing how his reaction could’ve triggered me and- I’m just tired, Margo.”

“That’s okay, Even,” she says, tone calm and grounding. “It’s good that you recognise Mikael’s intentions weren’t malicious. It’s good that you know now that he never intended to hurt you. But you are also allowed to be upset with him because, regardless of his intentions, you _did_ get hurt.”

“I know,” he mumbles, twisting his fingers in his lap. “And I think a part of me will never feel good about what happened but…I can’t keep holding onto this. I need to let myself move on. I need to let the boys back into my life.”

Margo is quiet for a beat and Even’s heart swells at the pride in her voice when she finally speaks.

“Even, I’m so proud of you,” she tells him sincerely. “You’ve made so much progress in the past few weeks. And everything that happened could’ve made you relapse and there’s nothing wrong with that but it didn’t, instead you confronted your past head on. I hope you can see how much strength that took. I hope you feel like you’ve achieved something.”

Even swallows the lump in his throat but he doesn’t think he can do anything to stop his eyes from welling up. So instead he just smiles and gives Margo a heartfelt, “Thank you.”

He still has a long way to go, he knows that, but he also knows now that he can do this.

He can move on.

* * *

**Fredag 19:18**

Mutta and Adam tackle him with a hug when he first arrives at Eva’s birthday, calling out excited exclamations of, “I missed you, bro!” while clapping his back. Even is taken aback by it but he manages to laugh and hug them back. Elias, Yousef and Mikael follow at a more sedate pace but all hug him nonetheless and offer genuine smiles when they say hi.

Even takes a few minutes to introduce each of them to Isak and the boys and- and the world doesn’t implode.

He plays croquet with Isak, Elias and Mikael and he spies Yousef sitting with Mahdi and Jonas while Mutta and Adam talk to Eskild and it’s- he doesn’t really know how he feels about it but he thinks he’s happy. He thinks that’s what the feeling in his stomach is. He’s surrounded by his friends, old and new, and for once he doesn’t feel scared or panicked. He’s having fun.

Things aren’t normal yet. He knows it’ll take time but with how easily both groups seem to slot together he feels sure they’ll get there.

It’s after Eva’s cut her cake and Eskild has popped open the champagne and their impromptu dance party has quietened down that Even finds himself sitting in a circle on the grass with all his old friends. It’s the first time all night he’s been alone with the five of them and he has a moment to feel nervous before Mutta catches his attention.

“Wait! Okay, Even, bro. You’ve gotta help Yousef,” he declares and the others promptly break down into a fit of snickers while Yousef ducks his head.

“Uh with what?” he asks, laughing unsurely.

“With Sana, man,” Adam explains. “He’s obsessed and it’s pathetic. He’s terrible at flirting.”

“I’m taking things slow!” Yousef protests, blushing furiously down at his drink.

“He’s being respectful,” Elias adds, puffing his chest out in some kind of approximation of a protective big brother and supportive friend. “But if you don’t hurry up my sister’s probably gonna turn you down, bro.”

Yousef groans and hangs his head, completely unmoved when Mikael pats his shoulder sympathetically.

“Anyway,” Mutta blusters on. “We’ve seen you with Isak and he’s totally in love with you. You must’ve done something to woo him. Yousef could use the pointers.”

Even’s lips quirk in amusement but then he thinks about all his own tactics to get Isak to notice him and, well…

“Uh I don’t know if I’d be all that helpful,” he laughs. “I basically watched him from afar for like, two months until Sana got him to agree to go to this kosegruppa thing she and her friends set up. When I actually met him for real I panicked and took all the paper towels before he could get any then lured him outside with a joint.”

The boys are silent for a moment before crowing with laughter.

“At least it worked!” Adam exclaims. “Yousef’s idea of flirting was trying to teach Sana how to peel a carrot. A carrot!”

“Will you keep your voice down?” Yousef hisses. “She’s right over there.”

His protest seems to fall on deaf ears however when Mikael jumps in with, “Oh my god remember when he tried to talk to her and freaked out and stole her basketball instead? Playground tactics are weak, bro.”

Even suppresses a laugh at Yousef’s distressed expression but he very nearly breaks when Elias adds, “You know he texts her dumb memes too?”

“I used to send Isak memes all the time,” he offers, grinning when Yousef’s expression brightens.

“And it worked?” Yousef asks hopefully.

“Well, I mean, I also made him food and gave him weed,” Even points out. “He asked me to buy him beer once and I pretended to forget my ID so I could get him to come back to my place.”

“See that’s slick!” Mutta laughs, elbowing Yousef in the ribs. “That’s how you do it.”

Elias points a warning finger at Yousef. “Don’t you dare convince Sana to go back to your place.”

Yousef rolls his eyes, heaving a pitiful sigh. “I just don’t know how to tell her,” he whines.

“Just be honest,” Even advises, glancing across the garden to where Isak is being squished in a hug by Eskild. He breaks free with a laugh and playfully shoves Eskild’s shoulder before catching Even’s eye. His entire expression softens when they lock gazes and he throws Even a wink. Even ducks his head to hide his smile before looking back to Yousef.

“And if it helps,” he continues. “Sana and Isak are pretty similar and it sounds like a lot of the stuff you’ve pulled so far is just as desperate as all the ridiculous shit I tried and now Isak and I live together so…”

Yousef grins, looking a combination of triumphant and determined. “Thanks, Even.”

“Yeah but Even’s also more attractive than you,” Adam remarks, setting them all off laughing again. And Even feels good. He feels comfortable which is more than he’d ever expected.

That familiarity between them is still there and he thinks they might not be able to go back. But they can definitely go forward.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it!!!
> 
> you can find me at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m just saying. All those videos would look mighty suspicious.”
> 
> “Well maybe they’re for something special,” Even hedges. He hasn’t told Isak about his birthday surprise, obviously. But waiting is also killing him a little bit.
> 
> Isak pauses his game at that, turning around to appraise Even for a moment before he cocks an eyebrow. “What kind of something special?”
> 
> Even smirks, keeping the camera trained on Isak’s face. “Can’t tell you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearly there, folks!! Only one more chapter to go!!! I should post it on either Wednesday or Thursday <33 Like the last chapter, this one has a scene dedicated to a prompt I was sent so I hope you like it, anon!!!!!
> 
> I feel like the unofficial summary for this chapter is "Even gives people advice" hahaha but i hope you enjoy it <33

**Lørdag 11:51**

Even wakes up on Chris Berg’s couch on Saturday morning with his back pressed against the cushions and Isak plastered to his front.

After the party had ran late last night they all decided to crash here. Elias and the guys had said their goodbyes somewhere around midnight and Eskild had left with Linn a little bit earlier, announcing they were going clubbing, but everyone else had stayed. And even though he’d taken it easy on the champagne, Even is still feeling the effects of a late night right now.

Raising his head off the throw cushion under it, he finds Mahdi asleep on the floor with his legs half under the coffee table. Noora is curled up in the armchair fast asleep with a blanket thrown over her but what’s probably most surprising is Eva and Jonas asleep together on the floor.

Or well, not completely together but Jonas has an arm thrown over her waist. It’s more contact than he’s ever really seen from them before. He knows they used to date but with how sparsely they interact now you wouldn’t even know it.

Another glance around the room shows Vilde, Magnus, Sana and Chris are all missing so he assumes they’re either already up or in the bedrooms. He’s about to lie back down and close his eyes again until Isak starts to stir but then he hears a voice from the floor.

“ _Even_ ,” Eva calls, drawing out his name and giggling when he pokes his head back up.

“ _Eva_ ,” he drawls in a similar fashion. “Are you still a little drunk?”

Eva’s pushed herself up on her elbow, hand holding up her head, and she laughs again. “Maybe.”

“Sounds like it was a good birthday then,” he huffs amusedly and she beams back at him.

“It was,” she sighs happily, idly looking around the room before her eyes land on Isak. (She doesn’t seem to have noticed Jonas’ arm yet. Or if she has, she certainly doesn’t seem to mind.) “Is Isak a good boyfriend?” she asks out of the blue and Even blinks.

“What?”

Eva heaves an exaggerated huff. “It’s hard to imagine him as like, a _boyfriend_ , you know? He’s always been like my little brother.”

Even’s eyes flick down to Isak, still sound asleep and using Even’s bicep as a pillow.  He looks ridiculously adorable even if Even has lost all feeling in his upper arm. “He’s the best,” he murmurs quietly, mouth curving up in a small smile. “You know when I was sad he let me use his good pillow so I’d be more comfortable.”

Eva’s definitely still teetering somewhere around tipsy to say that that confession almost makes her cry. “That’s so nice,” she whispers. “Isak thinks you’re the best boyfriend too.”

“Does he?” Even asks wryly and Eva gives him a serious nod.

“Oh my _god_ , he loves talking about you,” she informs him. “He’s always telling me about all the nice things you do for him and how happy you make him. I’d be pissed if he didn’t look so cute whenever he gushes about you.”

Even desperately wants to lean down to wake Isak up with a thousand kisses when he hears that but he refrains – just about. Instead, he drops one chaste kiss on the ball of Isak’s shoulder and smiles at Eva.

They’re interrupted after that when Chris and Sana amble into the living room. Sana’s clearly been awake for hours, probably getting up early to eat before sunrise. Chris, on the other hand, still looks half asleep and seems to be surveying the room to find someone with cooking abilities to make a start on breakfast.

Even breathes a silent sigh of relief when her eyes pass over him and land on Noora instead. Chris immediately crosses the room to start poking her arm until she wakes up

Even only feels a little bad about cuddling into Isak again and pretending to be asleep.

* * *

**Lørdag 13:10**

Later, when it’s time to head home, Magnus walks with them to the tram stop and it takes him about six minutes before he finally decides to say anything.

“So I talked to Vilde,” he exhales, eyes darting nervously to Even before he looks away. And Even instantly thinks back to the conversation in the cabin. He feels bad he never followed up with Mags about that but his life had kind of been thrown into turmoil in the weeks that’d followed so he thinks Magnus probably kept it from him on purpose.

“Talked to her about what?” Isak asks and Even raises his eyebrows at Magnus. Why would he even bring it up if Isak didn’t know the whole situation?

They reach the tram stop and Magnus looks from one of them to the other before sighing and directing his answer to Isak. “I- things have been a little off with me and Vilde for a while. I thought there was something she wasn’t telling me and, well, she finally told me what it is.”

Even frowns, taking in Magnus’ anxious expression as he glances around to see who’s listening in.

“I’m telling you this because she said I could and I really think you could help her better than I can right now.”

He pauses and Even spares a look at Isak, guessing what Magnus is about to reveal right before he says it.

“Vilde said she thinks she likes girls,” he tells them quietly. “She doesn’t really know if it’s like, exclusively or whatever but- I thought you two could maybe talk to her? Maybe help her make sense of it.”

There’s a beat of silence and then Even speaks.

“Yeah, Mags. Of course we will,” he assures him, feeling a pang of sympathy in his chest at how confused Vilde must be feeling right now.

Isak’s hand tightens in Even’s and his other claps down on Magnus’ shoulder. “It’s really fucking good of you to be supporting her right now, Mags. She’s really lucky.”

“I just want her to feel okay,” Magnus says sincerely, looking between them both and offering them a rueful smile. “But thanks. For agreeing to talk to her and stuff. I think that’ll help a lot.”

Even offers him a reassuring smile in return as the tram pulls up. “You got it. We’ll talk to her.”

Later, when they’re on the tram and Magnus has left them, Even looks around the mostly empty carriage before his gaze flits to Isak leaning against his shoulder.

They haven’t talked much about Even’s conversation with Mikael yet. Even told him the basics, told Isak that he and Mikael had cleared the air, but after talking to Magnus, Mikael’s story is on his mind again.

Clearing his throat, Even twists his fingers in Isak’s. “Mikael told me he’s gay,” he murmurs, careful to keep his voice low because this still isn’t really his story to tell but he also wants Isak to understand.

Isak doesn’t react outwardly, just continues playing with Even’s fingers. “Is that why he freaked out when you kissed him?”

“He’s not out yet,” Even says by way of an answer. “He hadn’t even started to accept himself back then.”

Isak is quiet for a long time before eventually mumbling, “I get that.”

Even kisses the top of his head. For all that he knows Isak is paying attention to him, he knows he’s also thinking about his own situation and how deep in denial _he’d_ been last year.

“How do you feel?” Isak asks then, holding Even’s hand tightly. “Knowing that now.”

“I- it makes everything a lot more complicated but also a lot simpler,” Even says uncertainly.  “I feel better about moving on now. I’m _ready_ to move on.”

Isak lifts their joined hands, pressing a soft kiss to Even’s knuckles before he lets their hands fall to his lap again. “I’m really proud of you.”

Even’s a little proud of himself too.

* * *

**Sondag 14:23**

Isak curses at the TV for the tenth time in as many minutes and Even suppresses a laugh. He’s been playing Fifa on his own ever since Even claimed he was too tired to go up against him, though really Even’s spent the past few minutes leaning back against the pillows with his phone out, recording Isak’s never-ending commentary.

He grins down at his phone, unsure how Isak with bedhead, in comfy clothes and complaining at the TV is somehow the most ethereal thing he’s ever seen but his heart’s fluttering so much he can practically see it beating through his chest.

After another minute or so, he can’t help himself and prods Isak’s back with his toe to catch his attention. Isak cranes his neck, grumpy frown still in place, but then his eyes settle on the phone in Even’s hand and his expression smooths out a little until he’s winking at the camera and turning back to his game.

“You know if I mysteriously go missing and anyone looks at your phone they’ll think you stalked me,” Isak says casually.

“Isak, we live together,” Even scoffs, zooming in a little on the tiny flicker of Isak’s smile when he turns his head slightly.

“You can’t prove that.”

“Your name is on the buzzer next to mine downstairs.”

“Maybe you put it there,” Isak shoots back before yelling at the TV when his player misses a goal.

“Your name is also on the lease,” Even counters reasonably. “And all our friends will vouch for me.”

“I’m just saying. All those videos would look mighty suspicious.”

“Well maybe they’re for something special,” Even hedges. He hasn’t told Isak about his birthday surprise, obviously. But waiting is also killing him a little bit.

Isak pauses his game at that, turning around to appraise Even for a moment before he cocks an eyebrow. “What kind of something special?”

Even smirks, keeping the camera trained on Isak’s face. “Can’t tell you.”

There’s a beat before Isak’s expression turns mischievous and he’s dropping the game controller, shifting onto his knees. With a sly grin he crawls up the bed and over Even’s body and Even lets the phone fall carelessly on the mattress, far more interested in the way Isak is leaning up over him.

“Are you sure?” Isak asks lowly, nosing at his cheek and letting his breath fan out over Even’s skin.

Even indulges for a moment, skims his nose against Isak’s and leans up until their lips are barely brushing before murmuring, “I’m sure.”

Isak groans, flopping down and rolling to the side to bury his face in their comforter. “You’re the worst,” he whines.

“Aw baby, don’t be like that,” Even coaxes, shifting onto his stomach beside Isak and drawing him in close, but Isak continues his half-assed attempt to suffocate himself. “You won’t have to wait long,” Even tells him, pressing his lips to Isak’s shoulderblade and feeling his mouth lift in a smirk when Isak’s head pops up to look at him.

“Promise?” Isak asks, likely catching onto the meaning behind Even’s words.

Even leans and draws their lips together in a soft kiss, lightly bumping his nose against Isak’s when they part. “Promise.”

* * *

**Mandag 12:03**

**Even:** _ok so everyone needs to clear their plans for next Wednesday_

**Magnus:** _wait like, Wednesday two days from now?_

**Even:** _no, Wednesday as in the 21 st_

_Isak’s birthday_

**Mahdi:** _Oh yeah, lay the birthday plans on us, man_

**Jonas:** _Can we establish right now that this is supposed to be a SURPRISE???? That means no telling isak_

_Lookin at u Eskild_

_And Magnus_

**Eskild:** _um excuse me, I can keep a secret from my son??????????_

**Magnus:** _wtf I can keep a secret Jonas!!!!_

**Even:** _Yes this is a surprise so please no telling Isak!!!_

_I was thinking we could have a barbecue/picnic in the park???_

_Something chill, not too extravagant but still really nice_

**Vilde:** _that sounds like a lovely idea, Even_

_We can all bring food_

**Chris:** _me and Vilde will bake cupcakes!!!_

**Noora:** _I can whip something up too :)_

**Eva:** _Aww Even <33333_

_Isak is so lucky_

**Eskild:** _I knOW_

**Sana:** _I’ll be there :)_

_I can throw him off the scent too, if you want_

_You know how nosy he is_

**Even:** _He’s already preoccupied trying to figure out what his present is_

_So thanks, Sana, that’d help <3_

**Linn:** _we can go to kollektivet after the park and have the after-party there_

**Eskild:** _wow Linn!!!!!_

_I knew you secretly loved our messy little gremlin_

_I’m onto you <333_

**Even:** _that’d be amazing, Linn, thank you so much <3_

**Jonas:** _alright everyone over 18 handle the alcohol?_

_Me and the boys can organise the food_

**Mahdi:** _perfect_

**Magnus:** _Operation Slay Isak’s Birthday is a goooooooo_

* * *

**Tirsdag 19:20**

Vilde comes over to see them on Tuesday and Even has a vague urge to wrap her up in a hug when he finds her on their doorstep, gaze cast to the floor and looking impossibly small. There’s a bit of awkward shuffling and stilted small talk while she takes off her shoes and they lead her into the living room but when they’re finally all seated she says a toneless, “Magnus talked to you.”

Even looks to Isak to see if he’s going to say anything but Isak just looks back helplessly. He thinks this is a side of Vilde Isak probably isn’t used to seeing. “Yeah, Vilde. He did,” Even answers instead. “He said you’ve been feeling a little confused.”

Vilde’s shoulders hunch and Even’s gaze catches on the way she’s wringing her hands together in her lap. She shrugs a bit, meeting their eyes for a fleeting second before she looks away again.

“He said he think you might like girls,” Even tries again, careful to keep his tone gentle.

“How did you know?” she asks quietly, finally raising her head long enough to look at them both. “When you realised you liked boys, how did you know?”

“I realised I was looking at boys the way the guys used to talk about girls,” Isak offers. “And kissing girls never felt the way it was supposed to.”

“For me, I realised the way I looked at girls wasn’t _just_ exclusive to girls, y’know?” Even tacks on, not quite sure how much Vilde knows about pansexuality and the way it works.

Vilde nods, looking slightly reassured. “Eva said she’s bi.”

Even blinks a little at that but Isak is quick to respond. “Have you talked to her about this?”

“We were playing truth or dare when she said it,” Vilde replies, shaking her head. “The rest of the girls were there so I didn’t say anything.”

“It might be good to talk to her too, Vilde,” Even suggests. “She could offer you another perspective.”

There’s a beat of silence while Vilde seems to considers that.

“Kissing Eva felt nice,” she confesses after a brief pause and the way her eyes widen at the words makes Even think it’s probably the first time she’s admitted that out loud.

“Do you like Eva?” Isak asks carefully and Vilde thinks hard about the question before she shakes her head.

“I don’t think so? …But- kissing her felt the way it’s supposed to feel, I think?”

Even’s mouth lifts up in a tiny smile. “That’s okay.”

“Do you like Magnus?” Isak asks then, the same cautious tone as before, and Vilde’s expression shutters for a second.

“I love Magnus,” she says surely before hesitating. “But- I don’t know if…if it’s the way I’m supposed to. Sometimes I think I do. It’s hard to tell?”

“Hey, sexuality is fluid,” Even assures her calmly. “You can like girls or boys or both or everyone or no one. It doesn’t all have to make sense right away. There are no rules.”

He catches Isak smiling at him out of the corner of his eye and then Isak is picking up where Even left off. “And remember you have an amazing support system, Vilde. You have the girls and Magnus and us. This doesn’t have to change anything other than how you feel about yourself. You have all the time in the world to figure it out.”

Vilde sighs and seems to take a moment take in everything they’ve said. When she meets their gazes again she doesn’t look quite so frightened as before. “Thank you,” she whispers. “Can we- I’m not really ready to talk about this with anyone else yet-“

“Our lips are sealed,” Even promises. “Take your time.”

She smiles gratefully at them both, inclining her head.

Isak seems to deliberate for a moment before making a decision. “How about I call Magnus and we can get dinner and watch a movie or something?”

Vilde nods, expression brighter this time. “He’s been really good about all this. It’s- even if I don’t- like boys, he’s a really important part of my life.”

“He knows that, Vilde,” Isak murmurs, putting his phone to his ear to call Magnus’ number.

Even gives into his urge while Isak is on the phone and crosses the room to pull Vilde into a hug. She’s surprised for a moment before her arms come around him and she hugs him back.

“It’ll be okay,” he promises. And it will.

Everything will.

* * *

**Onsdag 16:01**

Even hadn’t realised just how much footage he’s taken of Isak over the past six months until it’s suddenly all laid out in front of him on his laptop. There’s literally _hours’_ worth of videos. How is he supposed to cut this down for Isak’s movie?

He’ll admit though, going through and watching every single video has left him feeling a little tingly and his stomach filled with butterflies. He’s so in love with Isak. He’s so in love with their love. It’s sometimes hard to believe that he’s actually watching _them_ on screen. That all of this is real.

He’s so absorbed in splicing clips together that he doesn’t hear it when the front door opens.

He does hear it, however, when Isak is suddenly in their bedroom doorway calling out an amused, “Halla?”

Even jumps and snaps the laptop shut, eyes wide as he shoots his head up to meet Isak’s gaze. “Hei!” he exclaims, voice probably twelve octaves higher than it normally is.

Isak narrows his eyes, glancing from the laptop to Even. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing!” Even insists. “Nothing, just- browsing, you know…”

“Were you watching porn?” Isak snorts, dropping his bag and wandering over to the bed.

“Yep, you caught me,” Even laughs uneasily. “It was- you were taking too long to get home and-“

Isak nods, humming idly as he pushes the laptop gently off Even’s lap, replacing it with himself. Even gulps as he stares up at him, Isak’s hands travelling to his shoulders and head bowed so their noses are just shy of touching.

“Even,” he says softly.

“Yeah?” Even breathes.

“Remember how you said I’m a terrible liar?” he drawls, lips so close Even is aching to close the distance. Isak leans even closer, turning Even’s face to the side so he can reach his ear. And then, he whispers, “Well, you’re worse.”

Even reels back, expression going slack with shock as Isak cackles on top of him.

“Fy faen, you’re so ridiculous,” Isak laughs. “I’ve never had someone actually try to convince me they were watching porn when they weren’t.”

“Wh- I couldn’t tell you what I was actually doing!” Even splutters.

“Is it a surprise?” Isak grins, expression giddy as his fingers dance over Even’s shoulders.

Even heaves an exaggerated huff and wraps his arms more securely around Isak’s middle. “ _Yes_. So no asking questions.”

Isak pouts for half a second before he’s beaming again. “Is it for my birthday?”

“You’re so fucking nosy,” Even groans, using his grip around Isak’s waist to topple them over until they’re both tangled together on the mattress. He pushes himself up on his elbows a little to lean over Isak who’s still smirking smugly beneath him. “You’ll find out soon, okay?”

“Okay,” Isak relents. “And Even?”

“What?” Even huffs.

“I love you.”

And well, now Even just has to kiss him. It’s probably a good distraction tactic anyway.

* * *

**Onsdag 21:32**

**Elias:** _Even, man! We told you about the YouTube channel, right?_

**Even:** _Yeah, I watched some videos since you mentioned it! They’re good, really funny_

**Mutta:** _man, you flatter us :’)))))_

**Elias:** _Anyway we were thinking since Yousef’s gonna be away for the next couple of weeks that maybe you could come on the show, if you wanted?_

**Adam:** _psh, bro. stop calling it a show_

**Mikael:** _It’s a show!!!!!!!!!!_

**Yousef:** _Are you trying to replace me?!?!?!_

**Elias:** _bro, you’re irreplaceable <3_

**Adam:** _I thought Sana was the Bakkoush sibling in love with Yousef?_

**Elias:** _Fuck off_

_Even, what do you think?_

**Yousef:** _She said she loved me????????????????????????_

**Even:** _Yeah, that sounds like fun!_

**Elias:** _Awesome, I’ll text you the details and we can hang out :D_

_And Yousef, ask her yourself fy faen_

* * *

**Torsdag 15:30**

“How are you feeling this week, Even?”

“Good,” Even replies and he finds that he means it. He really, really means it. “This is probably the best I’ve felt in weeks. I don’t- it doesn’t feel like there’s anything hanging over my head anymore.”

Margo smiles at him, looking pleased. “How have things been with your old friends?”

“They came to one of our other friend’s birthday party on Friday and it was actually really nice,” he tells her. “Seeing all my new friends and my old friends hang out together. It didn’t freak me out the way I think it would’ve before.”

“I imagine that’s because everything is out in the open now,” Margo comments and he nods in agreement.

“Probably. Things still aren’t perfect, obviously. And it’ll take a little bit of time to get back to normal but they’ve been texting me and it- my past doesn’t feel like this big, cavernous black hole anymore. Everything doesn’t feel so hopeless, if that makes sense? I know I can have a good relationship with them again.”

“That’s wonderful to hear,” she replies earnestly. “And your graduation is on Monday. How does that feel?”

Even still shakes his head a little at the sound of it. He can’t believe he’s actually made it. He can’t believe he’s finishing school. “I never really thought I’d get here,” he admits softly. “After last year…this just- it didn’t even seem possible anymore.”

“Like I’ve told you before, you’ve come _so far_ , Even,” Margo says. “Your progress has been immense. Have you considered what you want to do next year?”

“I’ve applied to a few different colleges around Oslo,” he replies. “I want to stay here. I’ve- I feel like I’ve figured out my routine here and I don’t want to disrupt that too much. Besides, I don’t want to leave my family and friends, y’know? Not when things are finally settled.”

“I think that’s a very good decision,” Margo answers, nodding in approval. “And I have no doubt you’ll get into whatever course you choose to do.”

“I wanna direct,” he says quietly. He’s mentioned it to her before, he thinks, but now – with university just around the corner – it’s actually something that seems possible.

“Make sure you get someone young to play me when you make a movie about your life,” she winks, making Even bark out a surprised laugh.

“I’ll let you pick,” he tells her.

* * *

**Fredag 14:45**

Even’s editing process is interrupted by someone incessantly pressing on their buzzer. Heaving a sigh, he drags himself out of the chair to answer the door, pressing the intercom button.

“Hallo?”

“It’s me,” Jonas answers. “Let me up.”

Even buzzes him up, leaving the front door open and returning to his perch at the desk in his bedroom, running his finger over the trackpad to rewind a piece of footage. He hears footsteps on the stairs thirty seconds later and then Jonas is closing the front door and shuffling his way into the bedroom.

“Is Isak here?”

Even looks up at the frantic tone to Jonas’ voice, furrowing his brows in confusion. “No,” he answers warily. “He’s gone for coffee with Eva.”

Jonas groans, flopping down on their bed in an impressive display of dramatics. “Fuck,” he exclaims. “She’s probably telling him right now.”

Even eyes him, electing to push himself out of his seat and move towards the bed. “Telling him what?” he asks, perching on the edge of the mattress and watching Jonas drag a hand over his face before he turns to eye Even speculatively.

“I guess telling you is just as good as telling Isak,” Jonas sighs, closing his eyes, before muttering, “I slept with Eva.”

Even raises his eyebrows. “At her birthday?”

“No, yesterday,” Jonas sighs. “We just kissed at her birthday.”

Even doesn’t think two people who used to be in love with each other could ever “just kiss” but he’s not sure how helpful that observation that would be right now. “Do you still have feelings for her?”

Jonas sighs again. “I think so,” he admits before letting out a noise of frustration. “Jesus christ, I thought I was over her. I was _so sure_ I was over her. But we- we started talking at her party and I realised how much I just missed hanging out with her, y’know? Like how much fun we used to have.”

Even nods sympathetically. He never knew what Jonas and Eva were like together so he can’t really offer more than that.

“I don’t know,” Jonas mumbles. “I just- I guess I always thought of our break up as a _break,_ y’know? Like, we’d take the time to figure out how to be on our own and grow up a bit and then we’d find our way back to each other.”

“If you were so sure you’d get back together why are you freaking out so much about this?”

“She’s got this weird friends-with-benefits thing with Penetrator Chris,” Jonas huffs. “I don’t know if she just thought this was a bit of fun, y’know? Like a one-time thing.”

“Technically a two-time thing,” Even points out, pushing himself up from the bed and going to their chest of drawers. This seems like an emergency.

“What are you doing?” Jonas asks, confusion melting into a grin when Even turns around with a joint in hand. “Does Isak know you have a secret stash?”

“Do you want the weed or not?” Even asks flatly.

Two minutes later, they’re both sprawled out on the mattress passing the joint back and forth while Jonas gives him a play by play of his and Eva’s relationship.

“Why don’t you just tell her you’re still in love with her?” Even asks, cutting Jonas off mid-rant.

“How do I fucking say it though?” Jonas complains. “Like, she was the one who made the first move the first time around. She was the brave one. I don’t even know what to say…Like- like, how did you do it?”

Even looks over at him, taking the joint when Jonas offers. “What do you mean?”

“You and Isak were friends for a little while before you got together, right?” Jonas asks. “So like, how did you know making a move would be worth the risk?”

“I didn’t,” Even answers honestly. “I mean, fucking hell, I still had a girlfriend who I refused to break up with because I was so stupidly scared Isak wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings but…I really wanted to kiss him. And sometimes he looked like he really wanted to kiss me too.”

Jonas regards him for a moment before rolling his head to look at the ceiling. “That kind of sounds like me and Eva. The first night we kissed we were at this party and I kept telling myself if Take Me to Church came on it was a sign I should kiss her.”

“Does she know that?” Even asks and Jonas nods. “Then the movie buff in me is telling you to go stand outside her window and blast Take Me to Church from your speakers.”

Jonas huffs a laugh, taking another drag. “You know, that’s not a bad idea.”

“Just tell her the truth,” Even advises. “If you still feel it and she still looks at you like she still feels it then tell her and go from there.”

Jonas is quiet for a moment while he ruminates on that before he grins. “Thanks, man.”

Even is about to reply when the front door abruptly bangs opens and the sound of Isak kicking off his shoes floats through the threshold. “Baby, I’m h- Are you fucking smoking without me?” Isak demands, voice full of indignation.

Even looks from Jonas to the joint in his hand back to Isak. “Uh…no?” he replies sheepishly.

Isak jumps onto the bed, landing unceremoniously on top of both of them and worming around until he’s lying between them in some approximation of comfortable. “Gimme,” he requests, making grabby hands at the half-finished joint in Even’s hand.

Even holds it up to his mouth for him, pulling away once Isak’s inhaled. “Fuck, I haven’t smoked in a while,” Isak sighs before rolling his head to the left to look at Jonas. “What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you but you weren’t here.”

“Yeah I was with Eva. What’s up?”

Jonas takes a breath like he’s steeling himself. “I’m guessing she told you we slept together.”

“No but I saw you making out at her birthday,” Isak snorts and Even doesn’t manage to stifle the laugh that startles out of him. He really loves Isak’s particular brand of bluntness.

“I think I still have feelings for her,” Jonas confesses.

“Good,” Isak says, stealing the joint from Even. “Tell her soon so we can go on double dates.”

And it’s possible it’s the weed talking, but Even’s starting to feel like everything is finally falling into place.

*


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even slowly slips into consciousness to the feel of gentle lips brushing over his face. His forehead, one cheek and then the other, his nose, and finally, the corner of his mouth. Fluttering his eyes open, he finds Isak hovering above him, wearing an affectionate smile on his face.
> 
> “Good morgen,” Isak murmurs. “You’re graduating today.”
> 
> The corners of Even’s mouth tip up in a smile of their own accord as he slides his hands up over Isak’s back, the words leaving a pleasant hum in his veins. He’s actually here. After all these months, he’s actually finishing school today. He’s going to be handed a diploma and it won’t be taken away from him. This time last year Even was barely functioning, recovering from a suicide attempt and the worst depressive episode of his life, and feeling like he was miles behind his friends.
> 
> But now, he’s living with the love of his life, he has a job, he’s reconnected with all of his friends as well as making new ones, and he’s finished school.
> 
> It doesn’t feel real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are!!!!! The final chapter!!!!! 
> 
> There's a couple of bits and pieces in here that were suggested/prompted to me from anons/people on tumblr so i hope you enjoy those little moments!!!! I also want to say a major thank you to [Top](http://softnorwegians.tumblr.com/), [Kristina](https://skamisako.tumblr.com/) and [Shola](http://deepinskam.tumblr.com/) for being so incredibly encouraging and letting me talk to them about this fic whenever i needed it. I appreciate you all so much <3
> 
> Warning for discussions of homophobia that occur in the Even clip in 4x10
> 
> For the last time, enjoy, friends <3

  **Mandag 8:00**

Even slowly slips into consciousness to the feel of gentle lips brushing over his face. His forehead, one cheek and then the other, his nose, and finally, the corner of his mouth. Fluttering his eyes open, he finds Isak hovering above him, wearing an affectionate smile on his face.

“Good morgen,” Isak murmurs. “You’re graduating today.”

The corners of Even’s mouth tip up in a smile of their own accord as he slides his hands up over Isak’s back, the words leaving a pleasant hum in his veins. He’s actually here. After all these months, he’s actually finishing school today. He’s going to be handed a diploma and it won’t be taken away from him. This time last year Even was barely functioning, recovering from a suicide attempt and the worst depressive episode of his life, and feeling like he was miles behind his friends.

But now, he’s living with the love of his life, he has a job, he’s reconnected with all of his friends as well as making new ones, and he’s finished school.

It doesn’t feel real.

“I am,” he replies and it sounds disbelieving even to his own ears.

Isak only smiles at him though, bumping their noses together before connecting their foreheads. “I’m so fucking proud of you, do you know that?”

Even’s heart swells and then he can’t help pulling Isak close, sliding his arms over his back to hug him. Isak settles on top of him, hugging him back tightly and smushing his cheek against Even’s chest.

“I think I’m proud of me too,” Even whispers and then Isak’s cheek is replaced with his mouth as he kisses the spot over Even’s heart.

“You should be,” Isak tells him firmly. “You’re amazing.”

Even lifts a hand to Isak’s cheek, drawing his face up to slide their lips together. And then they’re getting lost in a kiss, soft and languorous and lazy, and Even thinks this is just one of the ways they’ve learned to say I love you without using words.

Eventually though, they have to separate, with Isak pulling away reluctantly and mumbling, “I need to get ready for school,” with only a hint of a whine in his voice.

Even wants to tell him to skip, to spend the day in bed with him, but he knows he can’t. Besides, Isak is finished on Wednesday and then they’ll have an entire summer of lazy mornings ahead of them. So he lets Isak get up and watches from the bed while he moves around the room to get dressed.

“Are we meeting your parents there tonight or are they coming here?” Isak asks as he shrugs a t-shirt over his head.

“I think they said they’ll come here so we can drive together,” Even replies. “I’ll call them later to check.”

Isak bobs his head, disappearing from the room for a few minutes to use the bathroom and brush his teeth.  When he returns he plants a minty kiss on Even’s lips and picks up his backpack before throwing a snapback on his head.

“I gotta go but I’ll be home at like, 15:50. Do you need me to pick up anything?”

“Nah, I think we’re all good,” Even assures him, holding out a hand. “Give me one last kiss before you go.”

Isak rolls his eyes, looking hopelessly fond as he leans over the bed to brush his lips against Even’s in a lingering kiss. “See you later.”

“Ha det.”

Isak hurries out the front door then and Even remains in bed, mind still reeling.

He’s graduating today.

* * *

**Mandag 19:34**

“Okay, smile!” Even’s mom exclaims, holding her phone too close to her face while she tries to take yet another picture. Honestly, Even would give anything to take charge of photo-taking duties but considering he’s supposed to be the focus of every picture it kind of defeats the purpose.

So instead, he readjusts his hand on Isak’s waist and smiles.

“Aww, that’s a nice one,” she says, studying the picture on her phone before grinning up at Even and Isak. “Okay, now one of the whole family.”

Isak moves to let go of Even, offering his hand for the phone. “Want me to take it?”

Even is about to protest that Isak is absolutely a part of his family but his mom beats him to it.

“Honey, when I said the whole family I meant you too,” she tells him, like it should be obvious.

Even chances a glance at Isak and finds him frozen beside him, mouth dropped open in surprise and cheeks flushed red. Even presses a kiss to the side of his head to snap him back to reality and squeezes his waist as his dad comes to stand on Isak’s other side. His mom quickly hands her phone off to a stranger to take their picture and then bustles over to stand next to Even.

The ceremony hadn’t been too long but Even had mostly tuned out once he’d been handed his own diploma.

The weight of it feels heavy in his hands now. But it also feels right. He feels like he’s earned it. He knows graduation for most people isn’t a big deal. He knows for any regular person graduating from school is just expected, a given, not a never-ending uphill battle that at one point didn’t even seem achievable. But after everything that’s happened to him in the past year, he deserves this.

Having his parents and Isak at his side right now is a bonus. Getting to share this moment with the people he loves the most, being the subject in front of the camera for once, allowing himself to feel happy with the attention rather than shying away from it – it just makes this whole day feel even more special.

“Should we get ready to leave?” his mom asks after another round of photos, looking to Even’s dad. “What time did you make the reservation for?”

His dad checks his watch. “20:00. If we want to beat the traffic we should probably go. Are you boys ready?”

Even glances at Isak who seems a little overwhelmed by all the activity around him – of all the families flurrying around the concert hall chatting and taking pictures – but he immediately calms once Even slips his hand into his. “We’re ready,” Even answers, squeezing Isak’s hand in his.

They’re ready for anything now.

* * *

**Tirsdag 18:03**

Even loves Isak. He really, truly loves Isak. But he’s the messiest fucking person on the planet.

Even isn’t exactly a neat freak himself and, to be fair, Isak’s pretty good about laundry and making sure the bathroom and kitchen stay clean but in general he’s a bit of a slob. Even can deal with it. He’s adapted.

It’s that fact alone that makes it both hilarious and alarming that Isak has been obsessively cleaning the flat since he got home from school. Even only sees him in bursts, relegated to the kitchen to focus on preparing dinner. When most of the hard work is over he turns the pot down to simmer, wipes his hands on a dishtowel and makes his way into the living room where Isak is arranging throw pillows on the couch. _Throw pillows_.

Even smirks, leaning against the doorframe and waiting for Isak to notice him.

Isak does a moment later, whirling around and faltering to a stop when his eyes land on Even.

“I’m nervous,” Isak blurts out. “Why am I so nervous?”

Even shakes his head, an unbearably fond smile spreading across his face as he steps into the room. He stops in front of Isak, planting his hands on his shoulders and giving them a reassuring little squeeze. “It’s the first time your parents are coming to the flat,” he says softly. “It’s okay that you’re nervous.”

Isak blows out a breath, nodding to himself, before smiling up at Even. “I’m sorry I’m being weird. I just- I don’t want them to _disapprove_.”

“Baby, I know things have been complicated with your parents,” Even says, which is the understatement of the year but he doesn’t think bringing that up will help now. “But they _do_ love you. As long as you’re happy, they’ll be happy.”

Isak’s shoulders drop and he leans into Even, bringing his arms around Even’s waist. “I _am_ happy,” he replies, booping his nose against Even’s. “You make me the happiest.”

Even grins, pecking his lips. “Ditto.”

Isak huffs a laugh, rolling his eyes and letting himself be pulled into a hug.

“They’re coming here to celebrate your eighteenth birthday,” Even reminds him. “It’s going to be a nice night, okay?”

“Except I’m not eighteen until tomorrow,” Isak points out, pulling back a little in Even’s arms to meet his gaze.

“Yeah, well they can’t have you tomorrow. I’m stealing you.”

Isak raises his eyebrows. “For the surprise you still won’t tell me about?”

“Do you not know what the word surprise means?” Even retorts wryly.

“Yeah but I’m your boyfriend,” Isak whines, pout closer to a smile than something petulant.

“You’re so needy!” Even exclaims with a laugh, tugging on Isak’s hands when he tries to turn away.

The buzzer sounding interrupts their teasing and Isak visibly freezes at the noise. Even squeezes his hands, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Det går bra.”

Steeling himself, Isak takes a deep breath and nods, dropping one of Even’s hands and leading him to the door with the other. “Let’s do this.”

They open the door together, shoulder to shoulder while they face Isak’s parents. Things have gotten better in the past few months. Isak’s mother had checked into a care facility at the beginning of the year but she moved back home at the end of March and she has a live-in nurse staying with her. It’s made the world of difference. Things between Isak and his dad still aren’t perfect but Isak answers his texts now, at least, and there isn’t quite as much animosity between them as their once was.

He can still feel anxiety rolling off Isak in waves though.

“Mamma, pappa. Hi,” Isak says timidly, stepping forward into his mom’s embrace.

“Isak,” she says warmly, hugging him tight. “Happy birthday, darling.”

Isak steps back with a shaky smile, accepting a slightly more stilted hug from his father while Marianne turns to Even. “Even, sweetheart,” she greets him with a kind smile, holding out her arms to hug him. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he murmurs, hugging her back and kissing her cheek before leaning back. “It’s so nice to see you.”

She pats his cheek after she releases him and Even turns to Terje, shaking his hand and offering him a polite, “How are you?”

Once they’ve ushered them inside Isak takes his parents to the living room and Even slips away to check on dinner, careful to give them those few minutes alone. Isak appears when it’s ready to help him serve up the plates and they move around each other with a kind of seamlessness that comes with occupying such a small living space together for so long.

He can tell Isak feels a little uncomfortable about the fact they have to eat in the living room since they don’t have a dining table but Even thinks Isak’s parents are just happy to see him.

In spite of everything, dinner actually ends up being a pretty nice evening. Isak’s parents ask him about school and his exams, they ask about the flat and how they’ve been settling in and Even thinks this is probably the best birthday present Isak could’ve hoped for. To have his parents take an interest in his life and for them all to have a peaceful meal together.

When they’re in bed a few hours later Isak pillows his head on Even’s chest and cuddles close to him, melting under Even’s touch while he runs his fingers through his hair.

“Thank you so much for tonight,” Isak mumbles into his t-shirt. “You’re the best.”

Even cranes his neck to kiss the top of Isak’s head. “I’m glad it went well.”

Isak hums and Even just _knows_ he’s smiling, even if he can’t see him. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

* * *

**Onsdag 7:00**

Considering these are the first days of Even’s summer break, he’s awake at an ungodly hour. He slips out of bed as quietly as he can, careful not to disturb Isak – whose alarm shouldn’t be going off for another forty-five minutes – and, picking his laptop up off their desk, he pads out to the kitchen. He watches over the video one last time with his earphones plugged in, smiling to himself at the two of them on screen, and when he’s satisfied he opens YouTube.

As soon as the video starts uploading Even leaves the laptop on the counter and moves to the fridge to get out his ingredients. He deserves a fucking medal for managing to get the pan out of the cupboard without making it crash against anything but once he’s got everything laid out in front of him he gets to work.

By 7:35 breakfast is ready and the video is uploaded so Even closes the tab and clears his browser history – because Isak is just enough of a little shit to try that – and then shuts down his laptop.

He plates up their eggs and toast, pouring two glasses of orange juice and arranging everything on a tray. It’s hardly a culinary masterpiece but it’s also the first breakfast Even made Isak so he thinks he gets extra points for sentimentality.

Picking up the tray and nudging the door open with his foot, Even makes his way back to their bedroom. Isak is still sprawled out on his stomach, fast asleep, and Even’s heart lurches when he looks at him.

He sets the tray down precariously on their nightstand, kneeing up on the bed and running a hand through Isak’s hair to brush it off his forehead. “Baby,” he murmurs softly. “It’s time to wake up.”

It takes a little more coaxing before Isak is finally groaning and fluttering his eyes open. He rolls onto his back, blinking tiredly up at Even, and Even doesn’t think the smile on his own face could ever look more affectionate than it probably does right now.

“Happy birthday, baby,” he whispers, leaning down and brushing their lips together.

Isak kisses back with a hum, hands clumsily lifting to situate themselves in Even’s hair. Even lets the kiss linger for a few seconds before leaning back and touching Isak’s cheek. “I made you breakfast.”

Isak glances to the side and catches sight of the tray before groaning and covering his face with his hands. “Why are you literally the best boyfriend on the planet?”

Even laughs, pulling Isak’s hands away from his face and planting a kiss on his cheek. “Because I love you.”

Isak fixes him with that signature droopy-eyed, love-drunk grin that makes Even’s insides dissolve so he pulls away before he gets too lost in kissing Isak once again. Isak sits up against the pillows while he grabs the tray, pushing over to make room for Even. Even sets the tray between their laps and they both dig in, eating in silence for a few minutes while Isak wakes himself up properly.

“I don’t wanna go to school,” Isak complains around a mouthful of eggs.

“I’m pretty sure we’ve had this conversation too many times this week considering it’s only Wednesday.”

Isak huffs, rolling his head to the side to pout at Even. “But it’s my birthday.”

“It’s also your last day of school,” Even retorts. “Besides, you need to be gone for a while so I can get your surprise ready.”

Isak looks like he’s about to ask – again – but he seems to decide better of it and takes a bite of his toast instead.

Grinning, Even can’t help himself when he says, “But you can have your present if you want.”

Isak immediately perks up, dropping his toast back on the plate as his lips tilt up in a smile. “Present?”

Even nods, biting back a laugh. There’s a nervous kind of giddiness inside him right now. He knows Isak will like it but his tummy still feels a little funny. Sharing a piece of his art – even with the person who’s a part of that art – feels like one of the most personal and vulnerable things he could do. Leaning in close, Even cups Isak’s cheek, brushing his thumb over the smooth skin and letting their noses touch. “I made a movie about you,” he says, voice an echo of words that passed between them so long ago.

Isak stills, eyes widening almost imperceptibly as his mouth parts. “You did?” he whispers.

Even nods, their foreheads brushing.

“Can I see it?”

Even only feels a little bit bad when he leans back and says, “Nope. You have to find it.”

Isak blinks, disorientated, before letting out an indignant, “Even!”

“Isak,” he mimics back, letting a laugh bubble out of him. “Google it. Guess the title and it’s yours.”

“But-“

Even cuts him off with a kiss. “You need to get ready for school.”

Isak stares at him in shock before his eyes narrow and he pokes Even in the chest. “You’re fucking evil, do you know that?”

“Happy birthday, beautiful,” Even replies sweetly, letting out a squawk when Isak hits him with a pillow.

* * *

**Onsdag 13:29**

Isak is quiet on the way to the park. Not overly so, just a little bit more withdrawn. He still holds Even’s hand and doesn’t shy away from him, for which Even is grateful. Isak has come so far in terms of his comfort with his sexuality and Even doesn’t want that to suddenly be taken away from him just because of one homophobic asshole’s opinion.

“Are you okay?” Even asks when they’re almost there.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Isak replies automatically and Even knows he’s lying. It takes a second of waiting him out before Isak finally sighs. “I just didn’t expect it,” he answers with a tiny voice.

Even’s heart clenches. The thing is, the words had hurt him too. Of course they had. It’s taken him a long time to get to the place of comfort that he’s at now with his sexuality but that doesn’t means words that are designed to cut don’t sting. But at the same time, he thinks he’s okay. He’s better than he would’ve been a year ago, at least. But Isak…Isak has only really learned to open himself up like this in the past couple of months and Even knows he’ll fixate on it. He won’t be able to help it.

Even pulls them both to a stop before the entrance of the park, cupping Isak’s face between his hands and pressing their foreheads together. “There’s nothing wrong with us,” he says, voice gentle but still full of conviction. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Isak stares at him for a moment, eyes searching Even’s expression before his shoulders drop and he nods. “I know.”

“I know,” he repeats after a second, stronger this time as he lets himself sink into Even’s arms for a hug.

Even holds him tight and then releases him, catching his hand and tugging him into the park. “Come on. Our friends are waiting.”

When they reach the little area their friends have sectioned off and claimed for themselves Even has a brief moment where he wishes he wasn’t holding Isak’s hand, just so he could be standing in front of him and recording his reaction. But his smile still overtakes his face when Isak stumbles to a stop and lets out an audible gasp beside him.

All of their friends are sprawled out on different picnic blankets, weighted down with cooler boxes full of drinks and ice-cream that’s probably already half-melted. There’s a series of mini disposable barbecues set up a little off to the side that are being manned by Mahdi and Eskild and Even can spot paper plates and plastic cups ready and waiting.

There’s an obnoxiously loud, “Gratulerer med dagen!” from everyone when they notice them and it’s finally the thing that knocks Isak out of his stupor and makes him let out a breathless laugh.

“You did all this?” he asks incredulously, whipping around to face Even.

“Everyone helped,” Even says with a smile, leaning in to kiss Isak’s temple before gesturing him forward. “Go say hi.”

Isak is enveloped in hugs the second he steps forward and Even watches on fondly, accepting a hug from Magnus and backslaps from Mahdi and Jonas when they get around the crowd.

“Thank you so much for helping out,” Even tells them sincerely. “Everything looks great.”

“Of course, man,” Jonas says, like it should be a given that they would help. Even supposes it is.

“I think a day to chill and celebrate is what we all need anyway,” Mahdi adds. “It was a good plan, this is definitely Isak’s kind of vibe.

“And,” Magnus says more quietly as he throws an arm around Even’s shoulder to lead them back over to the picnic blankets. “Chris was right in the chat earlier. You know the thing that makes you and Isak so great is that you’re both good for each other. That’s what makes you work.”

Even looks at him, feeling himself smile in some odd mixture of bashfulness and gratitude. “Thanks, Mags.”

Magnus grins and then proceeds to loudly exclaim, “Let’s eat!” right in Even’s ear but Even decides to let it slide this once and instead allows himself be engulfed in a hug by Eskild.

The afternoon passes by with an overwhelming sense of calm.

The sky stays clear and the sun stays shining and Even feels something settle in him being surrounded by all their friends, laughing and talking and letting themselves totally relax. They  devour all the food and Even is glad he decided to get extra. When they’re tucking into the ice-cream after lunch Even is listening fondly as Isak tells some story about first year and then the most bizarre thing happens.

Isak shovels another spoonful of ice-cream into his mouth and freezes, staring wide-eyed at someone on the other side of the blanket. When Even follows his gaze he finds Chris staring back at Isak with an almost identical expression on her face, right down to the spoon stuck in her mouth. Then, almost simultaneously, Isak blushes and Chris coughs and they both avert their gazes.

Even looks between them with his brows furrowed, nudging Isak. “What just happened?”

Isak opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, looking lost for words before he finally mutters, “You don’t want to know.”

(Even is definitely asking Jonas about Chris’ crush on Isak in first year later.)

Once they finish their food Magnus procures a soccer ball and a makeshift game of football is organised with Isak, Sana and Mahdi on one team and Jonas, Magnus and Vilde on the other.

Even is content to watch, sharing a picnic blanket with Linn and occasionally passing commentary on the game back and forth with her. She almost gets as animated as she used to whenever they played Fifa and it makes Even laugh; Linn may be quiet but her barbs are deadly.

Isak catches his eye at one point and ends up letting Vilde steal the ball from him, much to the dismay of his teammates, but Isak just laughs, shooting Even a goofy grin. Even grins back, blowing him a kiss and watching in delight as a blush spreads across Isak’s face. Isak hesitates in place a second longer before blowing Even a kiss back and then running after the ball.

It’s a good day.

* * *

**Onsdag 21:34**

They’re halfway down the first flight of stairs from the kollektiv when Isak pauses to push him against the railing and crash their lips together for approximately the tenth time since they left the party six minutes ago.

“I love you,” Isak muffles into his mouth again, sounding giddy as he curls his fingers in Even’s hair. And Even had _hoped_ he’d like the video but god, he never expected this kind of reward for it.

“I can’t believe we’re ditching your birthday party,” Even says between kisses, making a strangled noise in the back of his throat when Isak curls his tongue just right and deepens the kiss.

“I don’t care about the party,” Isak mumbles after another dizzying minute and it takes Even a second to remember what they’d been talking about. “You made a fucking movie about me. I care about _you_ right now.”

Even pulls back then, taking in Isak’s flushed face and tousled hair courtesy of his own hands. But more than anything, he notices the light in Isak’s eyes and the anticipation that tilts his mouth. So Even does the only thing he can think of – he grabs his hand.

“Let’s get out of here then.”

They end up giggling like a couple of kids while they pull each other down the stairs, half power walking-half running towards the tram stop. When the tram pulls up they find an empty car and end up making out hidden in two seats at the back and by the time they reach their own flat complex Even feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin.

They get through the main door easily, it’s when they reach their apartment that the real issue begins with them both fumbling to get out their keys in between trading kisses and laughing into each other’s mouths. Eventually, Isak manages to get his key in the door, no thanks to Even who mostly spends the time he takes to unlock it trailing his hands up Isak’s sides and kissing his neck.

Even is honestly glad they live alone now because it means no one’s around to witness it when they almost trip and go careening to the floor roughly seven times in their attempt to make it from the front door to the bedroom without detaching their lips.

They land on the bed with a bounce, knocking foreheads and laughing out pained groans as they struggle to rearrange themselves.

“I can’t believe you made a movie about me,” Isak mumbles when their mouths find each other again, sighing against Even’s lips and rolling their foreheads together. “I love you so fucking much.”

Even leans back, meets Isak’s gaze and touches his thumb to his lip. “I’m going to make so many movies about you,” he murmurs. “I’m going to make a movie about every single one of our love stories. In every universe.”

Isak stares at him with a mesmerised look in his eye before he reels Even down for another kiss and it’s like falling into oblivion.

Like falling into the space between this universe and the next.

Like falling into each other.

* * *

**Onsdag 21:45**

**Magnus:** _uhhhh where are isak and even????_

**Eva:** _they’re probably making out in the bathroom_

**Vilde:** _Or isak’s old room_

**Noora:** _please tell me they’re not making out in my room_

**Mahdi:** _p sure I saw them sneak out like twenty minutes ago_

**Jonas:** _you ditched your own birthday party?_

_Classy isak_

**Eskild:** _aw leave him alone he’s getting laid_

_He deserves it!!!!!_

**Chris:** _I second that_

**Eva:** _Here, here!!_

**Sana:** _if that *is* what they’re doing I don’t think you’re going to be getting a reply any time soon_

**Magnus:** _lol true_

_Happy birthday, isak!!!_

_Hope ur ending ur birthday with a  bang ;)_

**Jonas:** _oh my gOD mags_

_Happy birthday bro_

* * *

**Torsdag 12:09**

“Babe?”

“Hmm?” Isak is lounging on their bed, playing on his phone while Even changes into clean clothes after his shower.

“I was thinking,” Even hedges, chancing a glance at Isak once he’s pulled his shirt over his head. “I thought maybe, if you wanted to, you could come with me to talk to Margo today.”

Isak stays quiet and Even hesitantly walks around the bed to sit next to where he’s lying.

“Why?” Isak asks after a moment, voice small.

“Yesterday- what happened with that guy-“ Even winces when Isak’s expression shutters. “You don’t have to come, of course. But I- baby, I know that affected you more than you expected it to. And obviously you can talk to me and Eskild but Margo’s always been really good at helping me make sense of my feelings about stuff so I thought it might help you too.”

Isak doesn’t reply right away but Even is honestly just surprised he hasn’t shot the idea down already.

“I’m planning on talking to her about it today anyway,” Even offers softly because he is. He wants to. “I know you don’t like the idea of talking to a professional and I’m not saying you have to. This can be a one-time thing. I just- Isak, if you want to talk about it she’d help us.”

Once again, Isak remains silent but Even can see the wheels turning in his head while he thinks it over so he waits him out.

“Would she mind?” Isak asks eventually.

Even refuses to let his surprise show and works to keep his voice as soothing as possible. “I can text her and ask. But I really don’t she’d think have a problem with it.”

Isak nods uncertainly and Even leans down to kiss his forehead, making the tiny crinkle that’s appeared there smooth out. “I’ll be with you the whole time and you can leave whenever you want.”

Isak nods again, latching onto Even’s left hand to play with his fingers. It’s a nervous habit so Even decides to let him be and give him time to process. Sitting back up, he grabs his phone off the nightstand and opens Margo’s contact.

* * *

**Torsdag 15:30**

Isak is fidgeting in his seat beside him, glancing around the room and cataloguing the details on the walls – quite like Even used to when he first started coming here. Even takes his hand, laces their fingers together and lets them rest on his thigh. It makes Isak calm somewhat but he’s still radiating anxiety.

They’d made their introductions in the reception when Margo had gone out to call them but everyone’s been quiet since they’ve come into her office.

Margo clears her throat then, smoothing her hands over her desk before smiling at them both. “Even, how are you? How was graduation?”

“It was a really nice night,” Even tells her with a smile. “The ceremony wasn’t too long and me and Isak went out for dinner with my parents afterwards. My mom took so many pictures I think she could fill an entire photo album with them.”

Margo’s mouth lifts in a warm smile. “She’s just doing her job as a proud mom.”

Even huffs a laugh, nodding in agreement, and then the room falls silent again. Margo looks between them for a moment before ultimately addressing her question to Even once again.

“So why did you want me to meet with both of you today?”

Even hesitates, looking to Isak – who’s staring steadfastly down at his feet – before returning his gaze to Margo. “Yesterday was Isak’s eighteenth birthday-“

“Happy birthday,” Margo says and Isak mumbles a quiet thank you.

“I went to pick him up him from school and when we were kissing outside on the bench this guy-“ Even stops to take a breath, gearing himself up to repeat the words. “He called us fags,” he says matter-of-factly, feeling Isak flinch beside him. “He said we were disgusting.”

Margo sighs and she almost looks frustrated but her calm façade returns quickly. “I’m very sorry you had to experience that; no matter how accepting of yourself you are, that’s not an easy thing to contend with. How did you feel?”

She doesn’t specify who she’s directing the question to but Even thinks it might be best for him to go first, to help normalise the situation for Isak.

“It hurt,” Even answers and he catches Isak’s head snapping up to look at him from the corner of his eye. “It’s- it’s not the same as what happened with Mikael or the same words I used to tell myself but you still internalise it, y’know? It hurt that someone wanted to hurt us for no reason and it hurt because it brought up a lot of bad memories. Especially when I’ve been trying so hard to move past them lately.”

“You seemed okay yesterday,” Isak says quietly beside him, sounding a little confused.

Even turns to him, shrugging half-heartedly. “Baby, you were really upset. I was far more concerned with you in that moment than anything else.”

Isak appears taken aback at that, looking lost as he struggles for something to say. In the end he settles for a mumbled, “Oh.”

Margo waits to see if they’ll continue their conversation before opening her mouth to speak. “It’s completely understandable that those words would still get to you, Even. You’ve worked incredibly hard to confront your past and you know how proud I am of you for taking strides to move forward the way you have. But this person – a stranger – said those words for no other reason than to express his hatred. What’s important for you now, is to make sure you don’t internalise it like before. That’s why talking about this now will help, we can get to the root of it before it festers.”

Even nods and watches Margo’s gaze slide to Isak.

“Isak,” she says gently. “How did you feel when that happened?”

Isak looks surprised at being addressed directly and he throws a quick, helpless look in Even’s direction before he stutters out an answer. “I- I kind of freaked out,” he mutters before the rest of his answer trips out of him. “I started yelling- I just got so _angry_. That’s never happened before.”

“No one had ever talked to you like that before?”

Isak shakes his head, frowning. “Not- not harassing us like that but- last year before I came out, there was this guy Elias who used to hang around with me and my friends and he- he used to say stuff like that about me.”

Even’s heart clenches and he squeezes Isak’s hand. Isak had told him about this before. It’s not any easier hearing it the second time around.

“I never defended myself properly before because I was afraid I’d somehow out myself,” Isak continues lowly. “And I guess a part of me believed he was right. But- but yesterday. It took me a really long time to be comfortable with myself and Even helped a lot with that. At the beginning, even if- even if I wasn’t really okay with calling myself gay, I still never thought there was anything wrong with _us_. With our relationship.”

“So it made you angry when this man yelled at you as if there was,” Margo fills in and Isak nods. Even thinks he’s mostly not aware of how much he’s talking, that it’s more he can’t stop now that he’s started.

“It kind of surprised me how angry I got,” Isak admits. “I just- I didn’t want to just accept it anymore. I couldn’t let someone talk about us like that.”

“Do you think maybe it wasn’t just anger at this person but maybe at everyone who’s ever made you feel wrong for your sexuality?” Margo suggests. “You said you never defended yourself before, do you think it’s possible it’s been building up inside of you for a while and this was just a catalyst?”

Isak pauses for a second, thinking it over before he nods uncertainly. “Maybe? Being with Even helped me accept myself and I- I’m not going to let anyone tell me there’s anything wrong with that anymore.”

Margo nods, a small smile curving her mouth. “That’s a very good principle to stand by.”

She looks at both of them then. “From the sounds of it, you’ve both had negative experiences in the past where people have told you things about your sexuality that have made you feel as though it’s somehow wrong. The fact that you’re here and you’re together shows you’ve clearly made great progress in moving past that but that doesn’t mean something like what happened yesterday won’t still get to you.

“Isak, Even has told me enough about your relationship by now for me to know that you’re good at communication,” she continues. “I want you both to utilise that now. When or if something like this happens again, talk to each other. Talk about how it makes you feel. Take the time to reassure each other. It’ll help.”

“Even was really great yesterday,” Isak supplies after a moment, casting Even a sidelong smile. “He calmed me down and took my mind off it and made me feel okay again.”

Even still can’t help the way the words surprise him a little. He knows he helps Isak, he knows he’s helped him a million times over in the past six or seven months, but to hear Isak still say it so plainly jars him. He thinks his favourite thing about their relationship might be the way they take strength from each other when they need it most.

“And Isak’s done that for me plenty of times too,” Even adds.

Margo smiles. “Keep doing that. Keep talking. And you’ll be okay.”

They’ll be okay.

* * *

**Fredag 15:43**

Even gets home from his shift on Friday to find Isak sitting up on their bed on his laptop.

“Hey babe,” Even greets as he pulls his apron out of his backpack to dump in the pile on the floor with the rest of their laundry. It takes him a second before he realises Isak’s not replying. When he looks over to the bed Isak is staring at Even with raised eyebrows.

Even raises his eyebrows back and Isak smirks.

“When did you get together?” Isak says, voice toneless, and Even frowns in confusion until he follows it up with, “Like half a year ago or something.”

Isak gives him a deadpan look then. “Half a year ago or something?” he repeats dryly.

So Isak’s seen the Hei Briskeby video then. Welp.

“Isak,” Even starts, padding over to the bed and climbing up on his knees. Isak eyes him, pushing the laptop off his lap after a moment’s deliberation and letting Even take up the space in front of him.

“I kissed you for the first time on the 28th October,” he says lowly, watching the way Isak’s expression softens just the tiniest bit. Even leans a little closer, placing his hands on Isak’s knees. “I kissed you _again_ on the 25 th of November. And on the 9th of December we finally got it right. It’s been seven months and twenty-five days since our first kiss, six and a half months since we’ve been together officially and ten weeks since we moved in together. And every day I still can’t believe how lucky I am that I get to call you mine.”

Isak is staring at him by the time he’s finished, eyes wide and mouth parted and Even can see his resolve crumbling.

Ducking forward until their faces are mere centimetres apart, Even’s mouth lifts in a smile and he whispers, “How did I do?”

Isak is still for a second before his hands travel up to settle on Even’s neck, fingers twisting in the hair at the nape and he nods, nudging their noses together. “You did pretty good,” he mumbles, sliding their mouths together with a soft sigh.

Even kisses him back, eyes fluttering closed and lips brushing against Isak’s in the same familiar way.

“You know I think we should test your relationship knowledge,” Even says when he pulls back. “Since you’re so serious about making sure I know my stuff.”

Isak rolls his eyes and Even feels a beaming grin spread across his face because of it. “I know everything about our relationship. Ask me anything, I know my shit.”

Even thinks for a minute then asks, “Do you know how much I love you?”

The words catch Isak off guard and he blinks in surprise before his expression melts into his signature droopy-eyed smile, fingers curling tighter in Even’s hair. “I’ve got an idea.”

When Isak leans in to kiss him Even meets him in the middle.

* * *

**Lørdag 19:42**

Even finishes doing his hair with a satisfied nod at the mirror before trailing back into their bedroom to find Isak scrutinising two shirts laid out on the bed.

“Can’t decide?”

Isak cranes his neck to look at him, nodding absently. “I want to look nice.”

Even comes to stand beside him, eyeing both shirts. “That one,” he says pointing at the deep grey option. “We’ll complement each other then.”

Isak casts him sidelong glance, huffing out a laugh before he grabs the shirt anyway. Once he’s shrugged it on Even bats his hands out of the way and starts doing up the buttons.

“Normally your hands are moving in the opposite direction,” Isak says conversationally.

Even tuts, grinning when Isak rolls his eyes. “No dirty talk at Sana’s Eid party.”

“That wasn’t even a little bit dirty,” Isak denies. “Besides, we haven’t left the house yet.”

Even does up the final button, brushing his hands over Isak’s chest before planting them on his shoulders. “You look handsome.”

“So do you,” Isak says, leaning in to peck his lips. “Ready to go?”

“Ready to go,” Even nods.

Isak threads their fingers together and they head for the front door, stepping out into the hallway and locking it behind them.

They make their way down the stairs hand in hand and Even imagines a long shot in his head. Of their backs as they step out onto the street where the camera lingers on their linked fingers before panning out to reveal the sun still shining bright as the soundtrack swells to something fulfilling.

The credits roll but their movie plays on.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this fic offered you some kind of closure or comfort or, if not, that at the least you could enjoy it!!! It was a personal challenge for me to attempt to write Even's story and I hope I did it justice :') Thank you so much for all your kind words and for often sharing your personal experiences with me and telling me how you related to Even, it was such an honour to read your thoughts <3
> 
> Finally, if you're looking for me on tumblr i'm at [littlespooneven](http://littlespooneven.tumblr.com/) :')


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